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Hi! I'm new here.

Posted by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 10:36 AM
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Hello, my name is Laura, and I just joined this group. I suffer from bouts of depression...or at least I think I do. I don't know.

Depression has always been a taboo subject in my family. I've learned to "put on a happy face," and "fake it until I make it" so that no one knows; no one can see.

Depression has always meant weakness, an Achilles heel that makes me vulnerable to ridicule. I can't count how many times I was scolded and told to "toughen up" and "stop being so sensitive" when I was growing up. I cried easily and often, which invited jeers, scorn, and even anger towards me from my peers, my teachers, and my parents. Now I do my best to hide the tears and the pain. Put on a happy face. No one likes a crybaby.

I get anxiety attacks sometimes. Often when I am just drifting off to sleep, I gasp and feel like I'm suffocating. Then I'm fully awake, and I have to concentrate on breathing. It's like my body has forgotten how to breathe on its own. I have to think really hard about how to breathe: Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. If my mind wanders, my breathing becomes shallow and then stops. I feel like I'm buried alive.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. It helped to write it down.

by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 10:36 AM
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Replies (1-6):
Loveneverfails2
by Member on Jul. 2, 2014 at 10:08 AM
1 mom liked this
Hi,
You should not be scolded for feeling down you shouldnt be scared to express yourself ethier if you ever want to chat inbox me. As for your breathing that is panic you haven't forgotten how to breathe. Have you seen a doctor at all?
LadyJag
by Member on Jul. 2, 2014 at 2:11 PM

Thank you for your reply and reassurance.

My gyn put me on an anti-depressant for PMDD at the beginning of April. However, I reacted adversely to it and became depressed (*more* depressed?) so I had to stop taking it.

I started counselling around the same time, which has helped, maybe. I'm not really sure. I have good days and bad days, just like everyone else. It's hard for me to open up, even to my therapist, but I'm getting through some stuff at least. Sometimes I take a step forward, sometimes a step back, sometimes two steps in one direction or the other.

Quoting Loveneverfails2: Hi, You should not be scolded for feeling down you shouldnt be scared to express yourself ethier if you ever want to chat inbox me. As for your breathing that is panic you haven't forgotten how to breathe. Have you seen a doctor at all?


Loveneverfails2
by Member on Jul. 5, 2014 at 5:36 PM
That is totally normal to be forward and back and forward. You would not have the same reaction on different meds. Are you thinking about trying a new med to help you?
LadyJag
by Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 8:48 PM
No, I'm going to try to avoid meds. Last year, I wound up in an ER while on vacation because of a DVT/blood clot caused by birth control pills, so I have to be really careful not to take any hormone based meds anymore. I'm now 5x more likely to get another clot now that I had one.

Some years ago, a neurologist put me on an anti depressant to treat my migraines (can't remember which) and I had the same reaction - depression- so I had to stop. :-(

My gyn said my calcium and vitamin D levels were really low, so I'm taking supplements, which she said would help. Only problem there is that I'm on a med for under active thyroid, and can't take calcium within 4 hours of taking this med, so I have to schedule my various pills carefully.


Quoting Loveneverfails2: That is totally normal to be forward and back and forward. You would not have the same reaction on different meds. Are you thinking about trying a new med to help you?
jackielee30
by New Member on Jul. 7, 2014 at 7:37 PM
Hi, I just wanna say that I suffer from bad anxiety and panic attacks. I have been working with a counselor for almost a year now and I am doing amazing. I am completely against meds, the thought of taking them made me super anxious. My anxiety was so bad I wouldn't even leave the house! Now I have a part time job and I am doing more everyday. It can be done without meds, I am living proof. Good luck :)
LadyJag
by Member on Jul. 8, 2014 at 8:15 PM

 Thank you for the encouragement and I'm glad that you are doing better. It gives me hope. :-)

Quoting jackielee30: Hi, I just wanna say that I suffer from bad anxiety and panic attacks. I have been working with a counselor for almost a year now and I am doing amazing. I am completely against meds, the thought of taking them made me super anxious. My anxiety was so bad I wouldn't even leave the house! Now I have a part time job and I am doing more everyday. It can be done without meds, I am living proof. Good luck :)

 

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