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What is step-moms role when BM is manipulating (or controling) DH??

Posted by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 3:35 PM
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Question: What is step-moms role when BM is manipulating DH?

Options:

Argue with DH about it

Stay out of it, let DH decide how to handle it

Tell BM to stay out of our buisness

Pray...

No answer, it just depends on the situation...


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Total Votes: 8

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I've alluded to this phenomena in other posts and conversations with you ladies- which have all been really helpful!  I just want to throw this out there, because I think its a common thing that happens a lot of us and is really frustrating.  What do we non-custodial (or even custodial) step moms do when BM seems to manipulate or control DH?

In my situation, BM is cool, collected, intelligent, and plays DH constantly for SS.  She makes my husband feel like his actions harm SS, or like he doesn't really understand what is best for SS.  She plays on his feelings of responsibility for the divorce and constantly makes him feel inadequate as a father.

My DH is an incredible man.  He was saved from death by alcohol by the grace of God, and has been sober now for 6 years.  He has, against all odds, developed a very good relationship with his son, recovered his career, and is successfully recovering life.  But even with that, BM takes pieces away here and there. She says-- "Stay away from school, you can't go there without my permission because it will harm SS's reputation."  "You're on call in the hospital?  Well, you can't have SS that weekend (even though you are prefectly capable of taking care of him)."  "You got married too fast, you're not thinking about what is best for SS".  "You don't feed SS the right food and he comes home exhausted- you're a bad father". "Life is not all fun, you don't know what its like- you're the "chucky cheese" dad."

Sound familiar?  These are constant messags we get.  I was completely unaware of this 'undercurrent' when we got married.  But now I'm in it, for better or worse.  I feel like BM has more control over my life, what we do or don't do, sometimes than I do-- and it seems or feels like that is because DH gives in to her demands on a regular basis.

This is not a completely fair assessment, but it often feels like the case.  So how do you approach the situation?  How do you protect your relationship with your husband, do whats best for the child, and maintain sanity through it all?



by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 3:35 PM
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Replies (1-4):
LemonZest
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:35 PM
2 moms liked this

If you have a custody agreement in place, follow it to the letter. 

- He's on call on his weekend and she doesn't like it?  That's tough; it's his weekend. 

- He wants to go to the school and meet the teacher and she doesn't like it?  That's tough; he has joint legal, which gives him the right to communicate with the school and make educational decisions.

- Your marriage is none of her business, so comments about remarrying too quicky are best just ignored. 

Seriously, the BM only has as much power as you give her.  If you simply ignore this drama and abide by the agreement, you can knock out a lot of the manipulation and power play.  Keep the relationship professional.

Your role is to support your husband and let him handle the BM.  This passive-aggressive battle she has going on with him is the by-product of failed relationship, jealousy, inability to control the situation, etc.  If you have to deal with the BM, do it matter-of-factly.  If there's an issue with the kid, let DH handle it.  As for the manipulation, just don't play her game. 

Zamaria
by Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 10:57 PM
I deal with BM. She has tried to be manipulative but I call her on it every time. I tend to be manipulative myself, and it's not something I'm usually proud of, but it has helped a lot in dealing with her. I am better at it than she is. Probably not the best way to handle it, but it works most of the time and keeps the peace. When she is particularly difficult, I'm not afraid to put my foot down with her.
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JustMe1183
by New Member on Dec. 9, 2011 at 9:25 AM

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,  and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

I think this scripture applies in this situation. When we act on our own, without God's guidance and wise counsel, we often end up sinning and can make an already bad and difficult situation worse.

I always have to remind myself that God knows best and maybe the way I am planning on responding to BM's foolishness will only do further damage. Sometimes, God directs us to just be still and that's hard to do especially when it seems like BM is getting away with doing things in an unsavory fashion.

MarshaLynn04
by on Mar. 17, 2012 at 6:11 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting LemonZest:

If you have a custody agreement in place, follow it to the letter. 


- He's on call on his weekend and she doesn't like it?  That's tough; it's his weekend. 


- He wants to go to the school and meet the teacher and she doesn't like it?  That's tough; he has joint legal, which gives him the right to communicate with the school and make educational decisions.


- Your marriage is none of her business, so comments about remarrying too quicky are best just ignored. 


Seriously, the BM only has as much power as you give her.  If you simply ignore this drama and abide by the agreement, you can knock out a lot of the manipulation and power play.  Keep the relationship professional.


Your role is to support your husband and let him handle the BM.  This passive-aggressive battle she has going on with him is the by-product of failed relationship, jealousy, inability to control the situation, etc.  If you have to deal with the BM, do it matter-of-factly.  If there's an issue with the kid, let DH handle it.  As for the manipulation, just don't play her game. 




I agree completely
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