Hi everyone. I'm really lucky to have found a Christian group that can offer advice on stepparenting. I am a childless stepmom of an 8yr old girl. My husband and I were both married before. I didn't have any children, and he had 1. We have been married for 5 1/2 months and have a great Christian relationship. My stepdaughter (SD) and i have a great relationship...in fact sometimes she even calls me mom...and I never asked her to do that...she did that on her own. I love her to death....but it's still very hard being a stepmom. We have my SD every Wed overnight, and everyother weekend. I too, like many other stepmoms feel extreme guilt because most often, I can't wait for her to go back to her mom's so my husband and I can have "our lives" back. I feel so un-Christian like even saying that...I do love my SD...but I think I'm jealous. Jealous that my husband had his first child with his EX rather than me. im jealous of the attention my SD gets when shes here...and I hate the fact that i'm the prime disciplinarian in the house. Wow...reading what i just wrote makes me sound so malicioius...and I promise im a good person.
I need some help channeling these feelings that im having. i don't want to harp on the fact that there will always be another woman (the biomom) in our lives...i have talked to my husband about this and he is very supportive and tries to the best of his ability to understand....but i know deep in my heart he never will because he's not a stepmom. it's def one of the hardest things ive ever done. My husband is my gift from God...I truly believe that...I just have to get past all these ill feelings...help!
wow! reading yours make me feel normal because these are the eaxct feelings i get and nobodt even my good hearted hubby gets it..I also believe am not a bad person.I am a born again christian and i generally think that i am a good person.I am a SM to a 5 year old boy and 11 year old girl.They live with us fulltime.I find myself wishing they could be with their BM and never be with us.Thye are sweet kids.But i think what helps me go through is just to accpet the fact that they are my husband's kids,that will never change and somehow i just have to live with it,secondly i know thay have a better life with us and it would make me feel guilty for the rest of my life to know that they didint get the best from their dad just because i didnt want them around ,thirdly lets face it they are just so innocent in the whole thing.With that i simply ask for God's grace to get me through each day.But its not easy! No its not easy! I am 13 months in marigae and he had been a single parent for 4 years when i met him! Not married to BM! All the best sis! This is biggest test of faith and character!
Well you will have to come from my side of the world to understand my response.I come from an insanely patrilineal systme where children are reagrded to belong to the man's family.No i am never in touch with the BM.She is simply someone i dont think you would have a sensible discussion with and i know she is afraid of me.We just belong to 2 diferent worlds..And well teh kids were with the father even before i came along and long after they separated.My hubby is a verly liberal person and i know he could have let her have them,but honestly interms of proper upbringing and instiling of proper values they are better with us.Not that i am the best but hey sometimes beter say things the way they are supposed to be said she was a kind of a woman who could sleep with 3 men whilst enganged to my hubby! Actually there are times when my hubby greatly doubst if he is the father but since he was the one enganged to her this was kinda forced on him! He cant do DNA because we need to travel abroad for that!The little boy looks nothing like him at all! But deep down my heart i know that if they are to live with her then honestly speaking their future is just as well as doomed. So this is where i find myself! Its very hard to say the truth because considering the kind of life i have led to date sometimes wished it was diffrent.That there was no this third person hanging over our heads in the name of BM and even the SCs.But she is out there and they are with us. So i understand you yvery much sis and without God's grace am telling you it is impossible to go through this sanely.We need to tap on on HIS grace everyday.And talking to others who are going through it helps a lot! And am thankful to God for you and this website! I am able to speak to people who can hear what am saying!
I completely agree. I am thankful to God for this forum as well...and for people like you where I can vent! :) It makes it a little easier to cope with things. How long have you and your husband been married? Do you have a good relationship with your SC? Are you planningn to have children of your own? My husband and I are trying to conceive...and we have been since May. Anyway, I'm happy that God is working in your life. It sounds like things are going better than they were in the past.
thank you for your insight. it's definitely hard. my SD calls me mom as well..and we have a GREAT relationship, but her BM likes to put me in my place..alluding to the fact that i son't know what it's like to be a mom cuz im not a BM. its hard to deal with....especially when i have a BM that's a lil hard to deal with. but Godl does have a plan... i pray on this often. i have to keep an open mind, knowing that its like this for a reason. i love my SD tons....
I know how you feel to some degree. I am not married yet but I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months and he has two young boys 9 and 7. He has full custody of them right now. So we barely get any free time to go on dates or do anything together really. Its really hard. And he needs me at least twice a week now to help him take are of the boys while he is at work. Which creates even more stress because I didn't raise these children and so I feel like I'm constantly teaching them what I would have already taught them. Its the hardest thing I have done in my life so far. Extreme stress that has almost broke me and my boyfriend up. Its very self sacrificing to be a step parent I'm learning. You don't always get to do what you want to do. I cry and am down a lot because I feel like my needs are not being met. I wish the best for you and try to remember to be patient and things will get better.
Hey Sunshine.
I can intimately relate to your feelings because I feel the exact same way, if not worse in some degree. In my situation, the small girls (2) are resentful of the thought of their daddy and me (girlfriend) marrying. We used to all be besties and get along great, but now it's 3 against 1...or it feels that way.
I too look forward to the moments they return to their mom and I feel most of my jealousy toward his ex-wife. I hate anytime that my man has to correspond with her, even re: the kids. I understand it's important for the kids to spend time with the bioparents, but I wish I could be involved as well, not only involved but wanted. The hardest part of this journey for me is to sit on the sidelines and wait for the kids to accept me into the family.
Wondering about ss bm
- sunshine0528
on Nov. 7, 2011 at 9:49 PM