I've been a step mom for 6 years and we have custody of my stepson after having gone through a court battle. His mother has been so mean & horrible & I am just at my wits end. I've tried to forgive her but I'm actually in therapy because of all the anger I have inside of me. I'm reaching out to you - PLEASE give me a Christian perspective. She recently called me a vulgar word for having had a child out of wedlock when I was a teen but she herself had an abortion as a teen. She ignores my stepson yet complains that I have anything to do with the poor kid. She doesn't live close by and he talks to her maybe twice a month, goes to her house every other weekend where she sends him to her mothers but she thinks she is a perfect mother and person. There is so much negative I can go on & on about but that's not what I want - please remind me of what to do. It's so hard to keep forgiving, it's so hard to not have hate. It tears me up and I know that every mean thought I have or every moment of hate is going against God. Please help me understand what I should do.
Hie...breath .You will just be fine.I am a step mom too to 111 year old girl and 5 year old boy who live with us full time! But the BM does not cause me trouble at all! So maybe i would not be of much help.However its alredy tough being a step mom without a silly BM..u cant stop forgiving because thus what we are called to do as christians.So even when u dont feel like keep, on forgiving. And most importantly stop giving her undue attention! Just ignore her! She will feel stupid and eventualy leave you alone.And continue doing what you are supposed to do! That is the right thing! Liberate yourself of her.She aint worth all your energy and stress honestly! That is my dollar advice! Good luck and keep on keeping on!
I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. My SS lives with his BM who does a pretty good job, she just treats my and my DH poorly and I struggle with anger and hatred over it. I've cried and have been in counseling since the fall. I joined this support group- and it has helped but none of that has fixed the problem inside of me. So I think God is teaching me something.
I'm reading a book right now called 'one thousand gifts' by ann voskamp. I strongly recommend it. She's a farmer's wife, stay at home mom of 6- how different could she be than me? I'm a non-custodial step mom and I work outside the home, a lot- what could we share in common? We share what all human beings share- a debased, sin-broken body in a sin-broken world.
I have wondered why the counseling, support groups, exercise and diet and sleep regimen haven't fixed the angry hole inside my heart? Why haven't I found peace even though I practically beg for it every night? Only to wake up to the same situation and the same angry conversation going on in my head about how it isn't fair, it isn't right to be treated this way.
So it hit me as I read this book that the full, Christian life experiences JOY AT ALL TIMES, regardless of the circumstance. Is that even possible? I know I don't live that way. But Paul says it in Phil 4- he has learned to have joy in abundance and with nothing. HOW?!?
I think its an issue of perspective. How you see the world around you. Do you see God? Can you be thankful to Him for what you see? The Bible says that God is always there and He is always good! You're circumstances may not seem good, but can you find the God in it? Can you see Him? Ask him to show you, and find things to be thankful for. Be thankful in the moment, say thankful for the sunset you see right now- rather than spending time being angry about the past or anxious about the future. Ask God to open your eyes to what He is doing in your life and the lives of your children RIGHT NOW.
Can you trust Him? That even though things are they way they are, that God is GOOD even though He has allowed it to be this way? HE IS GOOD, my friend. Believe!
This is very hard. But Jesus, the night before he was betrayed by his closest friends, tortured and crucified, broke bread and said Thank You to God, His Father. He did that for us so the we can follow in His footsteps. I hope and pray that the more you are able to say Thank You to God, regardless of your circumstances, He will fill you with the true goodness and Joy of his holy spirit.
I really feel for you as I am struggling with my situation too. I will be praying for you. I have learned in last 15 months that being a step parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Parenting period is hard but when you add the step in there its even harder. Just remember the Lord and what he wants you to do. I have a boyfriend with two sons 9 and 7 and it has been a weekly struggle for us. I have had so many days where I don't think I can do it anymore or I don't think I'm strong enough. But then I remember the Lord and think maybe he called me to do this. I struggle because it makes me so miserable. I love the boys but it is now become an expectation on me to help my bf with his sons. I would love to chat with you about this more. Take Care. All you can do is be yourself and remember its for the children. And try not to put the blame on anyone even though you might want to. Make sure your man is respecting you too and most of all you have to make time for yourself!
I also read the book mentioned above called One Thousand Gifts and I highly recommend it! I think I may go borrow it from the library again. I read it last summer and it prompted me to make my own list of what I am thankful for. I could feel god's presence very strongly during that time. I felt at peace even when higs seemed to go wrong because I had faith that the things going wrong were just part of God's plan so I went with the flow.
Thank you to katiemcb for mentioning that book! I do feel God is working in my life right now and I think it would be good for me to remember to be thankful in all things. I try to be but it's easy to fall away. So thank you for the reminder!
To add to all the great advise you have recieved... Try to live above her style. Love the kids and bless her who persecutes you. Teach the kids to honor their mother in little ways and turn the other cheek as the word instructs us. Remember that no unkind words can affect us unless we "own" them as truth. What is the truth about you? What she is saying is not it!! What does God think of you...What does your husband think of you? Embrass the truth and let her trivia GO! Look at her through the Lords eyes and you will find your heart healing, cause he sees her as a sinner needing to be saved by grace. It is what we all need. Forgive and keep moving forward. Let the negative go. " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" Blessings!
just a little bit from me..just wanted to say I'M SO PROUD OF ALL THE STEP PARENTS ESP.US MOTHERS.It's NOT a easy job looking after other ladies kids BUT remember it's your husbands kids too.Keep your heads up and don't let the enemies rule your life.We can't do anything but we can make a change.Don't let the past stopping you moving forward.I'll remember you in my prayers.In my situation I just ignore the BM if my SD with us on our week.What's going around in your place that's your business NOT HERS.Take care and God Bless.Be strong.xx
Thank you very much for the recommendation and for talking about Joy in a Christian life. I am in a similar situation as you. My stepdaughter is 5 and lives with her mother who is out of state (she moved them away). Although we pay child support and spend 80% of our income making trips to see SD and to help pay for expenses, BM still says it is never enough. She truly believes that she is a victim and that she has every right to hate me and my husband. I have been nothing but loving and kind to her all the time, but it makes no difference. I know her anger is completely due to jealousy. She straight out told me when my husband and I were having our wedding that we had no right to have a wedding because we don't do enough for SD and that she really needs her dad around and that should be more important than us being selfish and getting married. Then when we got pregnant, she told me I shouldn't be allowed to have a child with my husband because he "doesn't take care of the one he has". This is a complete lie. We do everything in our power to see SD as often as we can and as I said, spend about 80% of our entire income to make sure that SD is taken care of and that we can visit her often. I take weeks off work at a time and we spend thousands, but it doesn't matter.
I get annoyed often with her too because she loves to involve my husbands mother in the problems we face. I think she does this because she herself still lives at home with her mother and does not pay rent, so she is still under her mother's rules. She is 21 years old right now, and with a child, it is understandable that she hasn't been able to make it out on her own yet, but because she is under her mother, I think she often times believes that my husbands mother has some "power" over him still and so she will often bring her into the middle of the fights. Thank God my husband and I both have a wonderful relationship with his mother and that she is a very wise woman because she doesn't let the drama bother her, but it still annoys me. I wish we were able to work out our problems as adults, instead of having to involved "the parents".
Anyways....all of this had made me very bitter and angry towards her, but I still make sure I am always showing a good face to her. I guess I've gone on a rant here, but the truth is that I really love this woman, despite everything she puts us through. I understand completely how she is feeling and know that it is easy to fall into the sin nature instead of acting Godly, but I need to learn to control my hateful feelings toward her at times. I forgive, then remember and get angry and forgive, and remember and get angry and forgive again. I wish I could just forgive eternally, but my sin nature loves to kick in again. Any verses you have that may help?
Wondering about ss bm
- bm3sm1
on Dec. 20, 2011 at 12:38 AM