New to this

[mon78]

 HI everyone.

I'm new here and just wanted to introduce myself.  I am not a mother yet but I've been doing everything a parent would if these were my children.  I have been dating a man for the past 15 months that has two boys 9 and 7.  When we started dating he had just left his wife and needed help with his sons.  His boys are great but I didn't realize what I was getting myself into when I offered to help him.  It is a stressful situation on a weekly basis.  His ex is barely there to help with her children.  I believe she is an alchoholic; during the time I have dated him she got in trouble with the law and did put her children at risk.  I want to be there for him and help him and give the children what they need to be happy.  Its been hard because the way the kids have been raised before I met them is not how I would raise them so I feel like I'm reteaching them things they should already know by now.  We don't live together because I think that would create more stress and I also have morals I don't wanna go against.  I love him and the children very much but this has really put a strain on our relationship.  We also both work a lot.  He works fulltime and I work part time to full time hours.  Any advice would be great or if there is anyone out there going through this let me know.  I would love to chat.

[pc6]

Hi there and welcome! I'm new here also. I can relate to the part where you feel like you are teaching them things they should already know. my sd (14 yrs old) just recently came to live with us full time. She did live with BM full time prior to this and for the past year I've been married to her dad I haven't been the one to make rules or discipline her. Her dad has never been in his role before with her either. BM has established all the rules or non rules. I'm having a difficult time with some of the things SD is use to doing. for the most part I feel blessed that she is respectful to us and to my 3 DDs. but it is frustrating because I am trying to establish our rules now but also trying not to create so much more change in SD's life than is already happening.

can i ask what kind of rules you are setting for the kids that they dont have already and how is that going?

[MomHas17]

My quick advise to you is, Take this slow!! And bravo!!!! on living your morals by Gods standard. I warn you to really see what your getting into and take alot of time seeking Gods will in your life before commiting to this relationship. Strain in dating is not a good sign. Understandable, but can be a red flag. No need to rush anything when there are so many changes taking place already. I am a step mom for 6 months now and can tell you, it is harder once your married. I am happy, but it is so very hard. It takes alot of strength through Christ. God bless you friend!

[katiemcb]

Wow its true, it is harder once your married.  But if its the right thing, and you know it is from the Lord, then you can perservere- and He gives you everything you need!  I appreciate the advice above- go slow.  I didn't go slow to get married, our situation was a little different.  I had no responsibilities for  my SS until I was married, and then my husband was careful to let me take it on gradually... But one thing that I believe is true around the board is that these relationships with our step-kids take time.  Lots of time.  It doesn't get better until much time, prayer, intense frustration and moments  of joy...until all of that happens for quite some time. 

You're in a tough place I bet because roles are difficult to discern.  I'm learning about boundaries, I've never been good at them, but even after your married its so important!  Boundaries of who I am and what I can do.  If I can set those well, and teach my SS and husband, and especially myself, to respect them...then things are better.  I'm getting better at it, but it takes time to even figure out what is necessary and what isn't!  How to say Yes and also to say No.  It helps that my husband is more intune to that than I am.

I hope you can find someone to talk to, a friend of church member, counselor?  It may help you figure out where the stress and anxiety is coming from and how to work through it to find what is best for you, your BF, and the kids.

Blessings!

[mon78]

Thank you all for your replies and words of encouragement.  The Lord has really been there for me as I am praying about this situation and praying the the BM steps up to her responsibilties more.  This month she has only spent 2 days with the boys so I can't imagine the hurt they must feel.  The Lord has shown me that He put me in these boys lives for a reason so i can use my special talents to be a guiding light.  My BF and I have had a few serious conversations about this and he is being very understanding.  It does take a lot of patience for everyone.  Thank you and if any of you need prayer let me know. 

@pc6  I am not with the boys all the time as we do not live together and I do not want to until marriage but I usually take care of them on Mondays and Tuesdays after school.  They are 9 and 7 so my situation is a little different then a 14yrold SD going through puberty.  But these are my rules and DBF gives me full control.  They are to respect me, meaning no talking back when I ask them to do something example clean their room they are suppose to do it and if they are rude to me I give them time outs or no tv.  Be polite, be kind to one another.  Treat others how you would like to be treated.  Just the basics right now.  Is there something specif that you are going through that you want advice on let me know.  But I would think you are married this is your home too and your SD needs to abide by your rules and your DH should fully support you on that. 

[mon78]

@pc6 the second part of your question How's it going sorry i should have continued.  Well they both seem to be adjusting ok but I'm sure they are confused at what is happening and I think what is most important is that they feel a sense of security and they are not getting that as they never know when they are gonna see their Mom.

  Dad, Grandma, and I are the one that are constant in their lives.  Mostly Dad and Grandma.  The 9yr old can be a bit of a smartalec and likes to act much older than he is.  He is also lazy which I do not think is his fault.  When I asked him to help his brother clean his room before we ate dinner he cried and through a big fit. I had to calm him down, reassure him and explain to him why its important to have a clean home.  I don't think he ever had to do anything before to help out just watched cartoons and played video games.  But things are improving somewhat with him and he is very sweet and is usually happy.  I try to be understanding as they are going through many changes.  The 7yrold has ADHD and anxiety so its a little different with him.  I usually have to tell him something 3 times before he actually hears me.  His concentration and attention is hard to get.  (Exp.  Please eat over the plate and sit down at the table while eating, usually every night at dinner. He can't sit still for too long and needs to constantly be touching/grabbing everything)  He is going to doctors to find the right medication to help him focus at school. He is also clingy with me.  Wants me to cuddle him and rub his back. They have both learned to ask to be excused which is very promising and they are so sweet and loving and just want to please everyone around them.  I truly love them and understand what they are feeling as I went through this as child of divorce at the age of 5.