overheard SD SOBBING on phn. dunno what to do :(

[pc6]

Hi everyone, oh boy I'm trying not to freak out but I'm very disturbed about overhearing my 14 year old SD seriously SOBBING crying on her phn in her room tonight. I didnt feel like I could knock on the door to ask if she was ok and I feel horrible about that. we live in a very small apt so it would be hard not to hear her (although I couldn't understand anything she was saying). At first I thought she might be on phn w/BM (who pretty much abandoned her the week before Christmas and she has been living here full time since. BM is trying to deal w/her own issues w/substance abuse & mental illness. she talks on phn and/or texts her DD everyday and she sees her about once a week. I am in contact w/BM but my DH wont talk to her at this time. sorry, I guess there is no way to make this post short! anyway, needless to say SD is dealing with alot right now and has seemed to be really holding it together well. maybe too well. she isnt chatty with us so its hard to really know what she's feeling.

so anyway... around 11pm tonight I heard her on the phn in her room until 1am... off and on crying. She must have thought I was sleeping. My 8 year old DD is home sick and SD knew I was sleeping on couch in living room with her. But I wasn't sleeping and I was not sure if she was laughing or sneezing or crying. I think she did all three but there were some definite extended periods of sobbing. I've never seen or heard SD cry before. I was frozen. I started praying for God's guidance on how to handle it because if it was one of my 3 DD's I would have immediately went to comfort them with no hesitation. but I didn't want to disrupt my SD's privacy. it seemed to me like it would have been such an invasion to her.

I also started to think maybe it was a boy on the phone. although I couldn't hear any clear words of the conversation, I could kind of hear the attitude of the conversation. and this is all new to me as she doesnt talk about boys so I didn't want to disrupt such an emotional conversation and it possibley being a boy had me freaking out as well. I really dont know how to handle this.

any insight or advice are welcome. even if you feel like I totally blew it by not going in to talk to her. I really could use opinions and prayers please.

thank you for reading!!! sooo sorry its sooo long!!

[pc6]

DH was sleeping during phn call. I told him about it and he was pretty upset and was kinda groggy from sleep. He went right into her room and asked what was the matter. I wanted to yell to him to stop because it just felt so wrong (it was about 2 or 3am and I think she had been sleeping) but I didn't say anything because I didn't want us to seem not to be united.
well if she wasnt sleeping she was pretending to be. she insisted nothing was wrong and that she hadnt been crying. DH just tried to wake her to get ready for school (I drive her in the mornings to keep her in same school - its about a half hour drive from us) and she told him she wasnt feeling well and she wanted to stay home. He asked if anything was wrong and she insisted no. so he told me and he left for work. She could be sick because two of my 3 DD's have come down with Strep throat in the past week. My 8 year old will be staying home from school today so I wont have much opportunity for private talk with SD. I'm praying for guidance.

[nickysdestiny]

That's a tough one... I'd just take a moment when you're alone and let her know you heard her crying the other night but weren't sure she'd appreciate your butting in at the time... Apologize if she seems like she could have really needed you and you weren't there. And let her know you will make time for her if she wants a private talk.

[pc6]

thank you so much for your reply! I kind of feel like too much time has passed now to bring it up to her. She ended up staying home from school that day along with my 8 year old DD. she slept really late and her eyes were kinda red. but when she did wake up she came out to the living room and hung out with us. I made them lunch and we all had a few laughs over silly things.

I just don't feel like SD would want to confide in me. I have told her in the past (the week her mom took off) that I'm here for her if she ever wanted to talk. she said ok. then I told her I loved her mom and I know her mom loves her and she would be right there with her if she wasn't struggling with her sickness. I told her we're praying for her to get well and that we know she is working on it. SD said ok again and I could tell she didn't want to talk about it any longer but she was being respectful. so I said "ok! all done with serious talk for now!" and changed the subject. and we haven't talked about her mom or the changes in her life since then. Her dad will ask her now and then how she is doing and she just says "I'm fine." and she gets annoyed if he keeps asking.

so I'm thinking if I ever hear her crying like that again I am definitely knocking on the door and then going in and ask after her. I still think she'd say she's ok or pretend she's asleep if I went in.

I have been praying for her all along. I'm going to start praying that she opens up to me and trusts me so I can be there for her emotionally. Poor kid. I wish I knew more of what's going on in her mind. She acts as though nothing is wrong at all.

thanks again for reading and for your reply!!

[MomHas17]

   My heart goes out to you and your step daughter!! Just the compassion I read in your letter says alot about your heart toward your SD. I believe if you show a heart of love toward her through your kind heartedness, silent sympathy, and kind deeds toward her, she will learn she can trust her heart to you. She may be afraid for you to know the pain she feels toward her birth moms rejection, because she loves her mom and desires her acceptance. Being there for her in the small things of life will help her be able to trust you in the big things. Sometimes we can only pray and allow the Lord to mend the heart. I pray the Lord gives you great wisdom!!! Don't grow weary in well doing for you will reap if you faint not!!