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"Our" family

Posted by on Apr. 24, 2012 at 10:51 AM
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Hello! I just joined this site today... I am glad to find a group of Christian Stepmoms that I can relate to. Here is a little about me. I have been married to DH for almost a year and half. I have two stepsons, 9 and 11. This is my first marriage, and I have never had any children of my own. We have 50/50 custody, so the boys are with us Friday through Thursday every other week.

I have been through a lot of emotions, trying to just get my footing as being the second wife and stepmom, dealing with BM and in-laws and being so far away from my own family. It's been a wild ride! But God has been faithful and he has really helped me. I feel like I have grown a lot in the past year and half. But sometimes I still struggle.

For awhile now, I've been thinking about what it would be like to have my own baby... DH and I have talked about it, but the timing just isn't right. We are thinking about waiting for about two to five years. This breaks my heart because I want a baby so much. But at the same time, I feel like this may be the best decision for us and for our furture child.

One of the reasons, is because first of all, we currently live in a tiny house that DH and BM lived in together while they were married. It has a large mortgage and we can't move until it is paid off. We are estimating about two years left on that if we really work hard to pay it off. Secondly, I want to be able to stay home with my baby. In order for us to pay off the house, I have to work. These are pretty good reasons, I think.

But the last reason may sound a little selfish... Maybe some of you Christian ladies can give me some perspective. I long to have a family with my husband. A family that is mine and his and is not interrupted with the drama of his ex. In a way, I think that if we wait until the ssons are older, then they will be more able to take care of themselves, and I can give more of myself to my own child. Also, the longer we wait, the sooner the child support will end, and BM will no longer be continually in our lives.

I don't know if any of this makes sense... or if I am being reasonable or not. I know that DH will always loves his boys and they will always be a part of our family. I love them too and I want them to be involved with their half-sibling one day. I just want my own family to be complete and I want my child exposed to the drama that BM puts in our lives as little as possible.

It's so hard to wait... I am getting older, and I have read that after the age of 30 fertility goes down in women. I feel like crying just thinking about it... I feel like all control has been taken out of my hands, except for the fact that I can control when I have a baby. I feel like waiting to have a child is protecting him/her. But then there is the risk that I may not be able to conceive at all... I know I have to leave it in God's hands.

by on Apr. 24, 2012 at 10:51 AM
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Replies (1-4):
Moma3boyz
by on Apr. 24, 2012 at 10:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I think that you are trying to do what is best for your family. I don't think that it is selfish to want a family with your husband. The bm of your step sons will always be there though, just maybe more in the background. Every wedding, party for grandkids ect. Just pray that God reveals his will to you and your hubby. Oh and welcome to the group!

welcome

kristielw
by Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:00 PM
My husband and I are coming up on our two year anniversary and I am full time step mom to three! He adopted his ex-wifes daughter and they had twins together (why he married her). We had a baby last august and I had the same feelings you do! I want a family that feels like its mine. I still feel like a nanny to my step kids - 11, 6 and 6 - though I pray daily theyd feel like my own.

When they visit their mom I feel more at home and I feel so horrible saying that. But it's natural and again - I can only pray that I'd love them like I do my baby.

We are planning to have another - I want my son to not feel alone and like an outsider since he doesn't have two mommys like my step kids.

Keep praying and talking to your husband - I think it is wise to wait till you're more financially ready and planned but also, if it's Gods will it will happen and He will bless you and the child! As a stepmom, the drama will probably never go away, so I wouldn't wait on that issue unless you wait till your step kids are 18/21!
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LizziMO
by New Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:22 PM

Thank you ladies! I know that prayer and waiting on the Lord is the key. I know that BM will never completely be out of our lives, but I am hoping that the older the boys get and the more atonomous they are, the less we will have to deal with her. Right now, it is like we have to go through her with every thing. Even if it is as simple as I want to go visit my mother on mother's day... can she keep the boys the whole weekend? When they are older they will be able to stay home alone, and drive, do their own laundry, cook their own meals. It's not all about BM either. It is also about having to do for them, having the responsibility of a mother without the authority or respect of one. All of this is stressfull for me. And I do not want to deal with it (or at least deal with it less) when I have my own baby. And I want to implement rules and ideals in my home that is difficult to do with these boys since they've already been "programed". I may sound like I am rambling... sorry about that. :)

kristielw
by Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I totally understand - there with you right now. I want to start thinking about having our second baby... I've always wanted my own kids and know that I have one, I want to do it again! But I'm in the same boat as you - it's so stressful and frustrating having to take care of other kids and feeling like you have to put your family growing on hold. Does not help with the bitter feelings :(
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