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Future SS not happy about our do I deal with this?

Posted by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 9:20 AM
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Hi Ladies,

I need some advice regarding my upcoming wedding on September 29th.  I have 3 future stepchildren, ages 13, 8 and 7.  I have great relationships with all of them but the 8 year old is really struggling with the fact that his dad is getting married again.  It's a tough situation because he and I are very close. 

My fiance wants the kids involved in the wedding.  We currently have all of them standing up, although the 8 year old said he doesn't want to.  At this point, a back up plan is developing in case he throws a fit the morning of and won't walk.  (Having a family member take him aside and keep him away from the ceremony, etc.)

I'm frustrated because this isn't what I want for my wedding day.  I know I probably sound horribly selfish but it's just the way I feel.  I'm annoyed because I wanted to go away and get married because I didnt' want to have to deal with any stress.  But it was very important to my fiance to have the kids involved so we've compromised with a plan for a small luncheon wedding. 

I suggested last night that maybe we just not have him stand up if he doesn't want to.  That didnt' go over fiance felt like that comment meant i was trying to kick the kids to the curb.  That isn't my intent.  But I feel like I have to protect myself and my feelings too...this is a very special day for me.  Once again, I feel horribly guilty admitting this but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to be the most supportive.

It's easy enough to say that we'll go with the plan...if he's fussy, someone will take care of it so that we don't have to.  But I'll know what happened when he's not up there...and so will everyone else. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 9:20 AM
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by Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 7:47 PM
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Have ur future husband to talk to him and let him handle this. You shouldnt be stress out about it. On my weeding step daughter was 8 around that time and she got annoyed about me getting married to her dad, till dad went to talk to her and everthing wet well thank god.
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by Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 6:58 PM

I agree with asking your husband to talk with him.  I would say that the talk needs to happen well before the wedding so that you all will not have the stress of "will he or won't he" cooperate on the big day.  He needs to know how much you both care about him and want him to be a part of this special day, but I think it should be your fiancee's decision whether to force him to stand up if he doesn't want to.  You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to avoid the last minute drama.  At my wedding, we had my stepdaughter stand up and my stepsons were ushers.  Every family situation is different.  God bless your coming wedding and give you peace leading up to it.

by Member on Sep. 2, 2012 at 6:02 PM

How long has his mom and dad been divorced/broken up? It may be an issue of this is too soon for him?

Either that, or he could be reflecting something mom has been saying. Do you and her have a good relationship?

For me, when my husband and I got married, we spoke to my SD about it several times and most of the time, she didn't understand what the heck we were talking about (she was 4 and 5 when we talked to her), but she finally started to understand it near the end. At first, my husband would say "how do you feel about having a stepmom" and she would say "no thanks I don't want a stepmom" but she started to come to terms with it. Now that we are married, when dad calls she will ask "can I talk to my stepmom please?" and get me on the phone too. She's very happy, now that we are married, but it took her a bit of time to come around to it. Also, she does ask those uncomfortable questions still "why aren't you and mommy together still?" and "can't me you and mom just go and do stuff together?", but you can't let those things get to you. These kids were born into a situation that's no ideal. If they could have their way, mom and dad would still be together, and that's not your fault! You did nothing to cause that! And you do deserve to be happy too.

I think talking to your husband and explaining that you would like to have a nice ceremony without the worry of what SS might do and if it would make him feel more comfortable with your marriage in the future, then it might be in SS best interest to not force him. He will be there...that will likely be enough. I mean, if you could manage to get him excited about being part of the ceremony, that might be a different situation, but he seems to not be interested in participating. We got my SD on board by making her the flower girl and made it clear to her how important it was for her and that she might not have another chance to be a flower girl and she's really special because most girls don't even get to be flower girls so she's really special and this is a big day for her. She was so excited by the time the wedding came up. She wasn't really worried about the marriage then, more about what a huge honor it was for her to have this huge role in the wedding lol. I hope that helps a little. 

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by Member on Sep. 11, 2012 at 5:49 PM

Your fiance needs to talk to the 8yo.  More than anything, it would help to find out why the he is struggling.  Children often have misperceptions about what is taking place.  An 8yo boy being upset about daddy remarrying indicates there's more to the story.  Is he afraid you're replacing BM?  Is he afraid daddy will stop being daddy?  There is some assumption of change he's holding onto that your future DH needs to figure out.  It might also help to talk to the 13yo since s/he may have a better clue about what's going, if the 8yo has been told something, etc. 

In the meantime, I would try to talk to DH again about allowing the 8yo to choose his level of involvement.  The last thing you want is for this event to become traumatic for him.  You didn't mention BM anywhere in your post, but there's always the possibility he's having loyalty issues and feels like he's not supposed to stand up for you.  And at the end of the day, it's more important (IMO) to protect and support his relationship with his bioparent than it is to start of on the wrong foot with him feeling like he has to choose between BM and SM.  Step-families dynamics can be so complicated.

by Member on Sep. 30, 2012 at 12:21 PM

How was the wedding yesterday?  I know we had beautiful weather here in Minnesota yesterday


by Member on Oct. 1, 2012 at 4:02 PM
Sept 29th was this weekend. How did everything go?
by New Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 9:57 AM
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Hi there,

I didn't get notified of this post so I apolgize for the delayed response.  The wedding was perfect.  He was very well behaved and had a complete change of heart. Thank you for checking in!!

by New Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 9:58 AM

and the weather was perfect here in Michigan too!!! It was about 70 degrees and sunny...couldnt' have asked for a better day :)

by Member on Nov. 8, 2012 at 12:11 PM
Glad your wedding went smoothly! I joined this group after your origional post, my husband and I were married in July and my oldest step-son (4 at the time) acted out some, but he suffers from PAS, so as difficult as it was for me to have that undertone on our special day, I tried to understand the stress he was under, because as unfair as it is, it's not his fault. We also opted for a small afternoon luncheon, but due to our kids ages, we had the 4 year old ring bear and then he was allowed to sit and play his nintendo ds on mute in order to keep him distracted from acting out, my 5 year old daughter was the flower girl and the 2 year old stepson walked with her, she sat down with my parents during the ceremony while he danced on the flower petals in the aisle the entire ceremony because he loved the sound his dress shoes made on the floor - lol. Just thankful they cooperated for the most part! Where in Michigan does your family live? We're up near Marquette :)
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