Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Need to get this off my chest.. (Super long vent!)

Posted by on Nov. 5, 2012 at 9:56 PM
  • 4 Replies
  • 254 Total Views

I've been a member here a while, but this is my first actual post.   I've been posting in other groups and I just end up more frustrated by the situation than when I first began.. I realize some of the things I've written are silly, but I am just curious about others' opinions..

Well, I met my boyfriend 3 years ago, started dating two years ago and "moved in" about 6 months ago (that is in quotes because my clothing and I moved in... all of my belongings are in my parents' basement because this house is too small for anything else and we plan to upgrade soon).   He has primary custody of his three children- they go to their mom's EOWE and EOWednesday.   BM walked away almost 6 years ago, had almost no contact with SO or SC initially, and there has been a lot of drama, court dates, fighting, etc... she finally seems to be acting like she cares about the kids- which is good! (it sounds harsh... just trust me, it's the truth).  Although, she's almost been going too far... SF randomly showed up without calling this morning which SD was here alone so he could "drop off shoes" (they came home Sunday night, go back wednesday evening and she has about 16 pairs of shoes)   Or they randomly drop off other toys the kids leave there.   It'd be one thing if they called SO first and did it when SO was home... I would never randomly stop at BM's house to drop something off.    Also, BM and SF are upset because we won't let SD make unnecessary phone calls if SO and I aren't home- not just to BM- this includes MIL, her friends... anyone.    SD is alone for about 45 minutes before she gets on the bus in the morning.  It got to the point where she would call BM and hang on the phone all morning..  and I just don't trust BM.  I've watched her pretend to be everyone's friend and then lie through her teeth in court.  She is still after 50/50 custody... and has been planting the "why doesn't mommy get as much time with us as daddy does?" seed in their heads... I hate the idea of unsupervised calls with her.. who knows what she is saying?   Plus, it's just a safety thing... what if SO needs to call SD and can't because she is on the phone?   

So, after BM left, SO's mom took over SO's house... he didn't stop her, but she's pushy enough that I'm sure she would have found a way in.... she was cleaning, cooking, running errands, making sure homework was done, taking SC to the doctors, scheduling SO's appointments... the list goes on.      Well, then I came along... I knew she helped out but I didn't realize just how involved she was.  I was doing things that I thought were helping DH and she took it as me taking over and saw me (still sees me, though it's improving) as a threat. At this point, she will back off for awhile and then all of a sudden one day she goes into panic mode and has to buy everyone something they already have, or come check everyone's homework, or schedule a bunch of appointments in te same week.      Then there's the ways she just flat out crosses the line... She wil talk to SF (Not BM) about rearranging who gets the kids when without talking to SO... most recently she has been going to BM's house to see the kids when they are with her.   I realize I can't control this, and what happens on BM's time is up to BM... But, seriously?? I can't decide who is crazier... BM for LETTING her come or MIL for thinking it's a good idea....  

The lack of communication here is RIDICULOUS. The competition is ridiculous. The stress involved in being in a stepmom role in general  is ridiculous...   Walking into this relationship I thought "Oh, this will be fun! The kids and I will get along, we can be a happy family, I can't wait!"  ... Then reality hits.  It's not just SO, the kids, and I.... I can't make a move or do anything without being compared to someone in some way.     The kids and I really do get along well- which I am thankful for, but even they say things unintentionally that just make me cringe... trying to take them somewhere special "Oh, MIL or BM used to bring us here all the time!", at dinner tonight SD got a huge attitude and threw a fit- I sent her to her room (SO was at a class)   SS says "SD never does this at mommy's", "SF says ...." "MIL says....", "BM lets us do this... "   UGH...

This week we have a meeting with Reading teachers at my SD's school... it's like an open house for the kid's who need extra help with their reading- a chance to meet the teacher.   At this point, BM and SF are going (they are otherwise uninvolved in school- we've tried sending homework over there and it comes back undone... SO told them about it because it happens to be while the kids are at their house)   SO and I are going, AND MIL and SFIL are coming (MIL got wind of the meeting while visiting the kid's at BMs house this weekend and called SO freaking out)

I LOVE my SO (even thought sometimes I wish he would just man up) and I love all three of my SC with all my heart.... but there's part of me that just thinks "I didn't sign on for this... does SO really realize all the crap I put up with here? All the extra things I do?   All the things I do to go above and beyond? ... It's all so selfish, but I can't help it sometimes.

There's also the future... I've been feeling more selfish as time goes.  Looking down the road to a wedding and a baby and whatever else-  The wedding won't be the "normal" wedding I've always pictured, it'll be harder to involve all the people I've always wanted too... When we try for a baby- it can't be "normal"  I don't get to make all the decisons a "normal" mom gets to make... I don't get the same experience other first time mom's get. The honeymoon phase ended so much faster with the kids around.  Sometimes I just wish he had met me first, you know? Not saying that I dont want my SC around.... We could have the exact same three children and I would be ecstatic...   It's just... hard.  Somedays I just want to hide.  I don't want to get up an hour before I need to to get everyone ready for school, I don't want to feel so frustrated towards MIL, I don't want a BM to deal with,   I don't want to have to try to explain my relationship with the kids to everyone...   

It's all so selfish, and I feel awful just admitting some of these things.  It's all been weighing on me lately.  Not in an "I have to get out of this relationship" kind of way- Because I really am happy with my SO.   I just don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to who gets it... SO sure doesnt. And I don't have much of a social life since I started dating SO- mostly because I have ridiculously high expectations of myself and what I need to do and be for the kids. I put all of their stuff first and don't take time for myself.   I don't have someone to call to talk about these things- I've gotten away from church, away from God, away from the support that church provided me...

...sigh...

by on Nov. 5, 2012 at 9:56 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-4):
Elise82
by New Member on Nov. 6, 2012 at 7:38 AM
Give me a call? I will private message you my phone number. I have felt this way. I know the feelings of guilt, frustration, "selfishness" disappointment, entrapment etc etc.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
djscinnabun
by Member on Nov. 6, 2012 at 11:29 AM
(((Hugs))) these are familiar feelings here too, feel free to message me any time at all, if you need to vent or a little encouragement... A blended family is not an easy lifestyle in our cases.
God's peace,
Katie
iHay
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 7:15 PM
I am going through the same things, i have a son of my own but still it all just gets to be too much sometimes. Like the other ladies said feel free to message me if you ever want to talk, i know what youre going through. Also it might be a good idea to get back to church, might mke you feel a lot better.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
AlmostStepmom3
by Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 11:55 AM
I feel so much better after getting that all out and reading your responses! I'm thankful that you're willing to provide support for me. Thank you so much!
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN