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soon to be step mom need some insight

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 7:21 PM
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Me n my bf have been together almost a year now. Been living together for the last three months. He has two kids one isn't his blood kid (13yr old boy) n a 10yr old daughter. He normally gets them weds-Friday nights. N that's fine with me. But we hardly ever have any alone more bonding time. He also has his 33yr brother who still lives here. Any time He has a random day or night off he for the most part either takes the kids or wants to go to his other brothers house or his brother in laws. But i gotta keep asking couldn't we just do something alone together instead, he never just says hey i don't gotta work its just gonna be me n you time. If its about going out to drink hes gotta find someone else to come too..it really hurts bc i feel he just doesn't wanna spend any time alone at all. He wants to marry me n have a kid when we are ready but idk if i can if we have no time alone to get to know each other more. My oldest brother has been telling me i need to leave n move with my friend up state n start fresh but im in love n don't want to let go....i really need more advice n opinions.
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by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 7:21 PM
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lildebbie21
by New Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 7:26 PM
Oh i forgot to mention he does want us to get married when we are finaincely ready. N hes technically still married just been 25years separated.
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djscinnabun
by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 2:56 AM
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You may care about this guy, but there are an awful lot of red flags here. I don't mean to be brash about it, but by asking the question, clearly a part of you recognizes something isn't quite right? No one can tell you what to do here, despite opinions they might hold, only you have control over your situation. No one is here to judge you, none of us are in a place to do so, however, here are some things I hope you might consider:

A. Despite the fact he's separated for however long, he is still technically married. If he hasn't taken the initiative to finish something in all that time, with whatever reason or excuse, is he really going to plan on doing so anytime soon?

B. If he chooses not to make time to build your relationship now (despite the fact you live together or one thing) and despite your repeated requests, how will this change in the time before or after marriage? Moreover, what does the way he handles this unequal yoke say about how he would work through other issues you will encounter in the future? 

C. Your brother has known you probably much better (deeper) far longer than you've been with this man, should you ignore his concern? If he thought even for a moment, it wasn't in your best interest to get some distance (if not the perspective distance would allow) would he have expressed his concern?

D. If you're unhappy with where his priorities stand now, and he doesn't take your concerns seriusly enough to address, are you both being selfish by remaining in a relationship knowing you each cannot give what the other needs? 

Finally... Is this the love story you'd want to tell your child someday? When you have a child of your own, is this - what you have right now - what you'd want for them? Or would you hope for something more for them? Would you want them to fight to make something work that might or might not be there no matter how bad they wanted it to be? Or would you hope they'd have the strength to start over even if it meant the heartache of the courage it takes choosing to let go of someone they deeply cared about? 

lildebbie21
by New Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:24 AM
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He has had the money to pay for a divorce, his x was supposed to pay it out of her taxes but ended up owing the government money n couldn't so hes gonna see about going half n half on the fees. But i understand...i think this could've gone diff if he tried as hard as i do but its not so im thinking of moving with my best friend to Chicago n maybe in the future meet someone who wants to spend time with me n show it to me on a whim sorta speak.
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Humility1
by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 5:47 PM
Hi I agree with djcinnabun I think I u have concerns now, it will be alot stronger as time progresses with him. I think it's good that u are starting fresh and finding someone else. It's best to find someone that spends time with you an has a balance:)
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lildebbie21
by New Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 5:56 PM
I have told him of me molling over the idea of moving. N he doesn't want me to leave, he wants to work things out bc he loves.but i don't even know if i should believe him this time or what to do or say to make this worse. Mostly bc his x is pure evil n always bitching about us going out the first time on the night he had the kids, saying hes shouldn't be running off when its his nights when we always take the kids for her so her n her new guy can go out....
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Lifeisgood0
by New Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 9:13 PM
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I had this same situation. It should have been a red flag for me, and my friends tried to tell me it was a red flag - that my fiancee should have been making our relationship and me more of a priority. We have now been married 9 months and I will be filing for divorce soon. There are several other factors for this, but the bottom line is if our relationship WAS a priority then we would be able to work through the other issues. Please google "passive-aggressive husband" and see if anything rings a bell. If so, RUN. Definitely do not get married. It's hard to give upn on a relationship you have invested so much of yourself in, but trust me here, the pain of having an unfulling relationship and lack of a partner in life after you have comitted the rest of your life to this man and his family is MUCH worse. Since you are already concerned enough about this issue to post on it, I have a feeling you already know that things are not as they should be. Marriage will not make it better, and adding a child to the dysfunction would not be wise. I'm sorry you are being treated this way - you know you deserve more out of the most important relationship in your life, and out of life itself than what you are getting out of your current relationship. I sincerely hope you step back and trust the women who have replied to this post, and do what is best for you and not what is easiest. Take care!
lildebbie21
by New Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:04 PM
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Some of it sounded like him..if i tried to talk to him he usually and mostly says the main words: i know, I'll do something, yea, and i don't know..but he doesn't fall thru most of the time. For example his older brother lives with us and has been walking all over him and steals from us. I've seen him do it since im home most of the day. And he won't do anything about it. It hurts me seeing it happen to him but hes all talk when it comes to taking action. He isn't a fighter at all. But he is warned his actions push me away..i don't think it'll truly click till im gone and living three hours away.
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lildebbie21
by New Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:13 PM
Would being in the army for 8 years have anything to do with because i my last serious relationship was with an active duty sergeant and he was passive aggressive.
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djscinnabun
by Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 12:35 AM
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I paid for 100% of my divorce with my daughter's father as I'm the one that filed (NOT that expensive if the ex's are in agreement on everything, aka "uncontested" - under $200) the respondent is required to pay half of those fees as a settlement to the petitioner.

I still have not seen a penny of it, but that person not being able to hold it over me with every excuse in the book so that I could move on with my life was definitely worth it.

Excuses are a way of holding on, especially for people trying to control others. He might want a relationship, or want just to not be alone, but still not be ready to give enough of himself to let that happen. She still controls him and he's not being fair to you by allowing every excuse in the book to come between his choices and a future with you. You shouldn't compromise your future settling for being treated as a non-priority. Believe me, I was abused by my ex for years - when you start to realize something's not right, they will know the right words to say and the right buttons to push to try to do and say anything to make you stay - you must do what you think is right for you, not let someone's selfishness guilt you into trying to fix something they refuse to fix themselves... Just something more to consider.

amg7
by Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 8:25 PM
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I think it's a good idea for you to start fresh as well.  Marriage doesn't guarantee that things will get better.  On the contrary, things often times get worse.  My relationship became worse a hundred fold.

Just ask yourself if you can handle hearing about his ex all the time, getting sucked into all of the mama drama, being last of his priorites, expected to grin and bear it all with little support or empathy, all of the potential financial strains if you go to court over the kids, and how all of this will effect any future children that you will have with him. 

You are smart to come to this forum and ask women in similar situations for advice and wisdom.  I wish I had done the same before I got married.  Being a step mom, especially with an unsupportive husband with a lot of drama is EXTREMELY difficult.  It will make you cry out to the Lord like you have never done before. 


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