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BM threatens to call the police on us tonight

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:24 AM
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So my stepdaughter's biological mom has been crossing the line a lot lately. She gets my SD every other weekend technically from Friday night to Sunday night. It takes us like four hours to get to the visitation meeting spot, its not such an enjoyable trip every two weeks. Anyway, she was supposed to have my SD last weekend, but she canceled because she said she had to work. So she asked if she could move it to the next week instead ( this weekend). We said fine, even though technically if she skips a week we don't have to bring my SD until the week after, like normal. But we thought we would help out . We have been very workable with her, giving her extra time over my SD's summer break from school, and last year my husband gave her weeks at a time during the summer to have with my SD even though none of that was ordered by the court. This year however, we decided not to give hr extra time because of the way shes been acting. My husband and I have only been married for three months, and his ex wife has threatened me, has threatened him, has told my SD that she will "beat her ass" if she tells us what her BM doesn't want her too. This all isnt new to my husband... its been going on for years. But its getting to a big climax now because im here and have a good relationship with my SD.

We have been recording phone calls that my SD has every night with her mom an there are some bad stuff in there. There's a lot of stuff that my SD has been sharing with me lately about things her mom says an does at her house, stuff she's not supposed to say. Her BM knows that her daughter has been sharing stuff with me, and we have a lot more info then we did before. She even made my stepdaughter cry on the phone yesterday telling her that " you don't care, no one loves me" and all that manipulative stuff. Her BM told us that when we drop her off this weekend shes "straightening things out" between all of us. And tjat was after she was threatening me and telling my husband to "keep your wife in check" and telling us that she has proof againt us that will give her back custody of her child, and so on...my husband decided that we weren't going to bring my SD this weekend because he was so pissed off at his ex threatening me and acting as if she has control of the situation. He was double upset because on top of all this i am pregnant and he knows that his ex is the kind of person who, if they are mad they will put there hands on people and not even care when they are arrested for it. And he doesn't feel comfortable leaving my SD there when she's so upset anyway because she will scare my SD and tell her lies. Not to mention we found out that she has a man living with her now, which she never told us. And that's bad for her because one of he reasons she lost custody of her daughter was because in the past she lived with an abusive guy and kept her daughter with him. Anyway, now since we told her we aren't going this weekend she said if we don't show up she is calling the police and she's getting a lawyer again and taking it back to court. My husband isn't concerned. She's called the police plenty of times in the past only to get herself locked up instead. This I my first time dealing with all this though. I hate having to see my husband go through all this...especially my SD who can be so easily manipulated. I don't know exactly what's going to happen once we dont show up tonight. I guess we'll see. My SD is supposed to call her every night. We'll see what comes out of the conversation tonight. :p I know this is all normal stuff with a lot of stepmoms, I just needed to vent a bit. I am alittle nervous just because she is a kind of person who you never know what she is going to do.
by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:24 AM
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whatIknownow
by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:54 AM

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.

sonshining
by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:11 PM

Well, unfortunately it sounds like you have a very toxic ex you are having to live with. And you say it's nothing new for your husband, I'm sure you were aware of her behavior before you got married. Continue to stay unattached to the drama because, it involves your dh and his ex, and the situation with their daughter. Unfortunately it does indirectly involve you as her stepmom. Your dh should  document every situation, and if she chooses to take your dh back to court, let her. He shouls have his documents to share and can stand by his care and involvement of the situation.

djscinnabun
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:18 PM


Actually, depending on the state, recording the calls is perfectly legal. Our lawyer even advised us to do so (check with yours, however) We live in MI, and our case with my DD crosses into WI as well; as long as one of the parties -i.e. your DH acting on SD's behalf- is aware of recording, you do not have to inform the other party -i.e. BM. We even record any time we're in physical contact for pickup/drop offs, school meetings, etc. In our situation it has been beneficial on multiple occasions, one example being DH's ex accusing him of abuse, on a certain occasion, when in actuality she was crying wolf in an attempt to manipulate the courts in her favor. Lo and behold we held the evidence that proved our innocence of the event in question and the allegation was dismissed. 

My SS's BM is also dangerously manipulative, I urge you to carefully document everything on a calendar or something where pages are not easily added or removed, as this can be presented as evidence in the event your SD's case goes back to court that your DH has been trying to act in your SD's best interests, as well as documenting threats and inappropriate statements made to your SD.

I wish you all the best, believe me, I know what a difficult situation you're in :( good luck and God bless - message me any time if you need someone who just understands to be there for you... 

P.S. when are you due? We're expecting a baby girl in early August!

Quoting whatIknownow:

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.



whatIknownow
by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:57 PM


I didnt' say anything about it being legal. I asked if she knows that her private conversations with her daughter are being listened to and recorded for the purpose of finding dirt on her to use against her.

There is a lot going on here that is contributing to the dysfunction of the situation, and eventually, the child will be stuck in the middle. Visitation is already being used as a means of retaliation for BM's " acting as if she has control of the situation." 

Quoting djscinnabun:


Actually, depending on the state, recording the calls is perfectly legal. Our lawyer even advised us to do so (check with yours, however) We live in MI, and our case with my DD crosses into WI as well; as long as one of the parties -i.e. your DH acting on SD's behalf- is aware of recording, you do not have to inform the other party -i.e. BM. We even record any time we're in physical contact for pickup/drop offs, school meetings, etc. In our situation it has been beneficial on multiple occasions, one example being DH's ex accusing him of abuse, on a certain occasion, when in actuality she was crying wolf in an attempt to manipulate the courts in her favor. Lo and behold we held the evidence that proved our innocence of the event in question and the allegation was dismissed. 

My SS's BM is also dangerously manipulative, I urge you to carefully document everything on a calendar or something where pages are not easily added or removed, as this can be presented as evidence in the event your SD's case goes back to court that your DH has been trying to act in your SD's best interests, as well as documenting threats and inappropriate statements made to your SD.

I wish you all the best, believe me, I know what a difficult situation you're in :( good luck and God bless - message me any time if you need someone who just understands to be there for you... 

P.S. when are you due? We're expecting a baby girl in early August!

Quoting whatIknownow:

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.





djscinnabun
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 2:50 PM
1 mom liked this

 Oh, I was under the impression BM was NCP (and trying to gain control... being that in most states it's unusual that there not be shared custody without good reason to issue primary to one parent over the other, assuming there had to have been a reason BF was awarded primary custody to begin with) and that by recording calls due to threats made to themselves and the child, it was more about protecting the best interests of the child, rather than attacking or gathering dirt on the mother. (With the same assumption that it would be having been a decision made with the child's best interests in mind regarding reservations about allowing visitation on their time after the BM forfeited her scheduled time)

Of course we don't have detailed knowledge of the situation in its entirety either, each of our statements are based on assumption, really - the best I think any of us can do is offer support outside of judgement, giving benefit of the doubt.

Quoting whatIknownow:

 

I didnt' say anything about it being legal. I asked if she knows that her private conversations with her daughter are being listened to and recorded for the purpose of finding dirt on her to use against her.

There is a lot going on here that is contributing to the dysfunction of the situation, and eventually, the child will be stuck in the middle. Visitation is already being used as a means of retaliation for BM's " acting as if she has control of the situation." 

Quoting djscinnabun:

 

Actually, depending on the state, recording the calls is perfectly legal. Our lawyer even advised us to do so (check with yours, however) We live in MI, and our case with my DD crosses into WI as well; as long as one of the parties -i.e. your DH acting on SD's behalf- is aware of recording, you do not have to inform the other party -i.e. BM. We even record any time we're in physical contact for pickup/drop offs, school meetings, etc. In our situation it has been beneficial on multiple occasions, one example being DH's ex accusing him of abuse, on a certain occasion, when in actuality she was crying wolf in an attempt to manipulate the courts in her favor. Lo and behold we held the evidence that proved our innocence of the event in question and the allegation was dismissed. 

My SS's BM is also dangerously manipulative, I urge you to carefully document everything on a calendar or something where pages are not easily added or removed, as this can be presented as evidence in the event your SD's case goes back to court that your DH has been trying to act in your SD's best interests, as well as documenting threats and inappropriate statements made to your SD.

I wish you all the best, believe me, I know what a difficult situation you're in :( good luck and God bless - message me any time if you need someone who just understands to be there for you... 

P.S. when are you due? We're expecting a baby girl in early August!

Quoting whatIknownow:

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.

 

 

 

 


 

Maesm0mmy
by Member on May. 26, 2013 at 8:51 AM
We live in Virginia, and its legal in certain circumstances. We did our homework on stuff. We talked to our previous lawyer about this too. The point is not to "get dirt" on the ex wife, we already know that she has issues. We just don't want it affecting our daughter. There is stuff that my SD wont tell us because her BM told her not to or she will "beat her ass", yet sh can make I so my SD still would like to see hr mom because she does some "fun stuff" for her. We have been documenting everything that happens, the things we are being told from day to day and are being careful. My SD is doing really well with everything surprisingly. And of course, her BM didn't call NY cops, even though she said she did. I'm sure ill be asking more advice about this situation as things progress. BM has accused us in the past and recently too of beating our daughter like yours. She also is known for getting herself landed in jail for fist fighting and going to houses to make trouble. She makes my SD feel bad when she says stuff like "its all your fault, you don't love me anymore, your not supposed to tell them stuff, if you don't want to talk to me or live wit me don't call me". She talks trash, and I mean like the f-bomb trash everywhere to my daughter about her dad and whatever else makes her mad. My SD is only 8, and lately sh wats me to be in the room anyway when she is on the phone with her BM in case she "needs help" she says.

And I am due in December:) this is my first, I'm so nervous but super excited:) I have m first doctors appointment next week. I'm about 7 weeks along I am guessing. Congrats on your baby girl! That's so exciting:) I wish you the best. Is it your first?


Quoting djscinnabun:


Actually, depending on the state, recording the calls is perfectly legal. Our lawyer even advised us to do so (check with yours, however) We live in MI, and our case with my DD crosses into WI as well; as long as one of the parties -i.e. your DH acting on SD's behalf- is aware of recording, you do not have to inform the other party -i.e. BM. We even record any time we're in physical contact for pickup/drop offs, school meetings, etc. In our situation it has been beneficial on multiple occasions, one example being DH's ex accusing him of abuse, on a certain occasion, when in actuality she was crying wolf in an attempt to manipulate the courts in her favor. Lo and behold we held the evidence that proved our innocence of the event in question and the allegation was dismissed. 

My SS's BM is also dangerously manipulative, I urge you to carefully document everything on a calendar or something where pages are not easily added or removed, as this can be presented as evidence in the event your SD's case goes back to court that your DH has been trying to act in your SD's best interests, as well as documenting threats and inappropriate statements made to your SD.

I wish you all the best, believe me, I know what a difficult situation you're in :( good luck and God bless - message me any time if you need someone who just understands to be there for you... 

P.S. when are you due? We're expecting a baby girl in early August!


Quoting whatIknownow:

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.





djscinnabun
by Member on May. 26, 2013 at 9:43 AM
1 mom liked this

I hear ya, wouldn't it be nice if everyone involved could be reasonably mature and acted in the kids' best interest? If only... my ex can be downright stupid sometimes, but is at least civil for the most part, the boys mom is beyond reason and lives to make my DH's life hell on a regular basis - in fact, following a recent series of events this weekend, it looks like he's going to have to contact MI's FOC regarding her disrespectful and intrusive behavior. (We never NEVER address anything of the nature in front of the children, where like your DH's ex, my DH's projects inappropriately to the children) What I wouldn't give for a civil, if not respectably tolerant, situation for the sake of the kids... but we can't do anything about the choices and actions of another, all we can do is offer than consistency on our part and hope the courts one day begin holding people accountable for 'parental alienation syndrome' as the abusive behavior it is. 

Congrats again on your little one :) I hope everything goes well for you! This is my second, I have a six year old daughter from my first marriage and my two stepsons are five and three.


Quoting Maesm0mmy:

We live in Virginia, and its legal in certain circumstances. We did our homework on stuff. We talked to our previous lawyer about this too. The point is not to "get dirt" on the ex wife, we already know that she has issues. We just don't want it affecting our daughter. There is stuff that my SD wont tell us because her BM told her not to or she will "beat her ass", yet sh can make I so my SD still would like to see hr mom because she does some "fun stuff" for her. We have been documenting everything that happens, the things we are being told from day to day and are being careful. My SD is doing really well with everything surprisingly. And of course, her BM didn't call NY cops, even though she said she did. I'm sure ill be asking more advice about this situation as things progress. BM has accused us in the past and recently too of beating our daughter like yours. She also is known for getting herself landed in jail for fist fighting and going to houses to make trouble. She makes my SD feel bad when she says stuff like "its all your fault, you don't love me anymore, your not supposed to tell them stuff, if you don't want to talk to me or live wit me don't call me". She talks trash, and I mean like the f-bomb trash everywhere to my daughter about her dad and whatever else makes her mad. My SD is only 8, and lately sh wats me to be in the room anyway when she is on the phone with her BM in case she "needs help" she says.

And I am due in December:) this is my first, I'm so nervous but super excited:) I have m first doctors appointment next week. I'm about 7 weeks along I am guessing. Congrats on your baby girl! That's so exciting:) I wish you the best. Is it your first?


Quoting djscinnabun:


Actually, depending on the state, recording the calls is perfectly legal. Our lawyer even advised us to do so (check with yours, however) We live in MI, and our case with my DD crosses into WI as well; as long as one of the parties -i.e. your DH acting on SD's behalf- is aware of recording, you do not have to inform the other party -i.e. BM. We even record any time we're in physical contact for pickup/drop offs, school meetings, etc. In our situation it has been beneficial on multiple occasions, one example being DH's ex accusing him of abuse, on a certain occasion, when in actuality she was crying wolf in an attempt to manipulate the courts in her favor. Lo and behold we held the evidence that proved our innocence of the event in question and the allegation was dismissed. 

My SS's BM is also dangerously manipulative, I urge you to carefully document everything on a calendar or something where pages are not easily added or removed, as this can be presented as evidence in the event your SD's case goes back to court that your DH has been trying to act in your SD's best interests, as well as documenting threats and inappropriate statements made to your SD.

I wish you all the best, believe me, I know what a difficult situation you're in :( good luck and God bless - message me any time if you need someone who just understands to be there for you... 

P.S. when are you due? We're expecting a baby girl in early August!


Quoting whatIknownow:

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.







Maesm0mmy
by Member on May. 26, 2013 at 1:34 PM
I dont see how so...unfortunately my SD is in the middle of everything anyway because her mom has been pounding her with lies against her daddy trying to gain her favor. In fact, up until a couple of months ago, my husbad never really talked that much about it to my daughter because he didn't want to scare her or sound disrespectful towards her BM. Plus, she was to young to understand the whole situation and all the little things in between. Now, as things progress and because I am part of the family as well and my SD is getting older things have escalated. Anything we do for our daughter is because we love her so much, and honestly, I am scared when she goes to her BMs house. I don't know what's being said or what goes on and I worry for her safety. This isn't a matter of "getting dirt on the mom" ...she already has enough dirt about her known out in the open. We already know who she is. We are protecting my SD to make sure she is not being threatened or told not to say certain things. She has already threatened my SD saying she would beat her if she told is certain things or if she talks about how she loves her dad to her BM. But that's only from my SDs mouth, its not anything I can take to court. If anything happens to our daughter, or if anything is going on over there that we don't know because my SD was threatened not to say (like drugs, ect..) I just don't wather there. And there is no reason she has to be. How could you say I am recording conversations for "that purpose"? Shouldn't the whole purpose be to protect your children? Yes, I d hate her BM. But if she was any kind of a decent person and my SD wasn't in danger or we weren't threatened and put on guard every time we deal with her then we wouldn't have to do this. I'd rather we didn't have to. Who wants o deal with all this? It isn't fun. And now that we found out she has a Guy living at her house while her daughter is there (which she didn't want us knowing) scares me too, since her past involved abusive boyfriends. That was one of the reasons she didn't get custody. She told the judge though, that there were no men living at her house so it would be ok for her to have visitation. And now we found out a guy moved in from out of nowhere and we weren't told. Wouldn't anyone be cautious?

Her BM never had custody of her daughter. At first, when they were going through divorce, my husband still was given the majority of the time with my SD. Then her BM signed her daughter over to my husband while he was fighting to get custody just so she could push the divorce through. They went to court and figured out if she even should get visitation or not. There are a lot of things that happened and a lot o parts to the story and things that continue to go on, and BM almost had to have supervised visitation, if any. Judges just don't do that, its very rare that dads get custody. Especially when my husband was in the army national guard and prior to that the marines, so he was away a lot.

My SD has recently wanted me to be with her in her room when she is on the phone with her mom. She puts her mom on speaker phone sometimes but doesn't tell her I a there. I ask my SD over and over of she would like me to leave but she says no. I don't need BMs permission to watch over SD and make sure she is safe.


Quoting whatIknownow:

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.


Maesm0mmy
by Member on May. 26, 2013 at 1:50 PM
I know right? I am sick of hearing from BM "its not fair, I'm calling the cops on you!" My SD is way more mature then she is. We never wanted to talk to mySD about her mother in negative ways. We just didn't want to be like BM and the way she talks about us. We didn't want her to worry or to feel like she's being put on the middle. But Shea been asking us a lot of questions about her mom and gets upset that her mom talks certain ways. She will ask "please please tell me what did mommy do, why di she get arrested, why doesnt she have custody?" She wants to know so much and I don't want to not tell her anything cause I don't want her to be in the dark and hear only one side. I try to tell her what she wants to know in as mu h of a mature and calm way as I know how. And as a result, apparently she's been opening up way more about her mom and stuff. I just want to be careful though and never go overboard. But its hard when someone tries so hard to manipulate your life and affect it to where your kids can't hep but see it :(

But on the good side, we can both enjoy both our new little babies:) my SD is super excited about having a little brother or sister, which really makes me happy and I think it will help a lot.


Quoting djscinnabun:

I hear ya, wouldn't it be nice if everyone involved could be reasonably mature and acted in the kids' best interest? If only... my ex can be downright stupid sometimes, but is at least civil for the most part, the boys mom is beyond reason and lives to make my DH's life hell on a regular basis - in fact, following a recent series of events this weekend, it looks like he's going to have to contact MI's FOC regarding her disrespectful and intrusive behavior. (We never NEVER address anything of the nature in front of the children, where like your DH's ex, my DH's projects inappropriately to the children) What I wouldn't give for a civil, if not respectably tolerant, situation for the sake of the kids... but we can't do anything about the choices and actions of another, all we can do is offer than consistency on our part and hope the courts one day begin holding people accountable for 'parental alienation syndrome' as the abusive behavior it is. 

Congrats again on your little one :) I hope everything goes well for you! This is my second, I have a six year old daughter from my first marriage and my two stepsons are five and three.



Quoting Maesm0mmy:

We live in Virginia, and its legal in certain circumstances. We did our homework on stuff. We talked to our previous lawyer about this too. The point is not to "get dirt" on the ex wife, we already know that she has issues. We just don't want it affecting our daughter. There is stuff that my SD wont tell us because her BM told her not to or she will "beat her ass", yet sh can make I so my SD still would like to see hr mom because she does some "fun stuff" for her. We have been documenting everything that happens, the things we are being told from day to day and are being careful. My SD is doing really well with everything surprisingly. And of course, her BM didn't call NY cops, even though she said she did. I'm sure ill be asking more advice about this situation as things progress. BM has accused us in the past and recently too of beating our daughter like yours. She also is known for getting herself landed in jail for fist fighting and going to houses to make trouble. She makes my SD feel bad when she says stuff like "its all your fault, you don't love me anymore, your not supposed to tell them stuff, if you don't want to talk to me or live wit me don't call me". She talks trash, and I mean like the f-bomb trash everywhere to my daughter about her dad and whatever else makes her mad. My SD is only 8, and lately sh wats me to be in the room anyway when she is on the phone with her BM in case she "needs help" she says.



And I am due in December:) this is my first, I'm so nervous but super excited:) I have m first doctors appointment next week. I'm about 7 weeks along I am guessing. Congrats on your baby girl! That's so exciting:) I wish you the best. Is it your first?





Quoting djscinnabun:


Actually, depending on the state, recording the calls is perfectly legal. Our lawyer even advised us to do so (check with yours, however) We live in MI, and our case with my DD crosses into WI as well; as long as one of the parties -i.e. your DH acting on SD's behalf- is aware of recording, you do not have to inform the other party -i.e. BM. We even record any time we're in physical contact for pickup/drop offs, school meetings, etc. In our situation it has been beneficial on multiple occasions, one example being DH's ex accusing him of abuse, on a certain occasion, when in actuality she was crying wolf in an attempt to manipulate the courts in her favor. Lo and behold we held the evidence that proved our innocence of the event in question and the allegation was dismissed. 

My SS's BM is also dangerously manipulative, I urge you to carefully document everything on a calendar or something where pages are not easily added or removed, as this can be presented as evidence in the event your SD's case goes back to court that your DH has been trying to act in your SD's best interests, as well as documenting threats and inappropriate statements made to your SD.

I wish you all the best, believe me, I know what a difficult situation you're in :( good luck and God bless - message me any time if you need someone who just understands to be there for you... 

P.S. when are you due? We're expecting a baby girl in early August!



Quoting whatIknownow:

It seems your husband is using his daughter as a weapon to retaliate against his ex for "her behavior.'

That's not a good road for him to go down.

Does SD's mother know you are recording her conversations with the intention of trying to find something to use against her? Does SD know you are recording these conversations for that purpose?

I dont' see this going well for you.











mrskimberlyh
by Member on May. 28, 2013 at 11:30 AM

I don't have much to add to the toxic BM situation other than to suggest that it is important to guard your heart against bitterness because that will hurt you and your family even more than the things she is saying and doing.  It is painful to hear of what your SD is going through, but I'm glad that you said you have a good relationship with your SD and you can be thankful for that.

I also wanted to share the pregnant joy!  I'm expecting my second child in September - a girl.  I currently have a boy who will be 2 in July and three stepchildren.


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