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ADVICE: Contemplating Stepmotherhood?

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 3:35 PM
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Hello. This is completely new to me. I have been dating a man that I absolutely love for about a year. He is wonderful, and I know that I could spend the rest of my life with him without a doubt.I am 28 and he is 33.

However - there is a catch. He was previously married for 6 years and has two little girls (4 and 2). His girls are precious. We do not see them very much. Right now, while they are little, he sees them about once a month for about 3 days. Yet, when they get older, it will be just holidays (every other Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter and a week during summer vacation.)We get along well. And, it has not been an issue. Yet, I know they are young.

I know that it's time to take another step in our relationship together, but it makes me nervous even contemplating stepmotherhood - esp at 28.  My own mother has not been a good help - she fills my head with the financial perils of children and esp little girls. And, has told me that I will not be able to have the number of children I want because of his girls - and that I will have to work the rest of my life.

We are both professionals. He is an attorney and makes over 100k and I do pretty well for myself too. Any advice y'all have for me would be greatly appreciated? 

Again, I love this man. We pray and seek the Lord together daily. He is my best friend.


by on May. 24, 2013 at 3:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
djscinnabun
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 4:13 PM

He doesn't have them very often for the time being, but that doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship with them later in life.

As for the other, are these YOUR fears, or your mother's fears just getting to you? His financial obligations to assisting in raising his children are an inexcapable reality, but shouldn't prevent you from having a family or staying at home with your eventual children should you choose to... it's simply a matter of organizing priorities and based on his income after support is deducted, can you make this a liveable budget for your eventual family? I urge you to fully consider what sacrifices might be needed in comparison to your current lifestyle, and if your relationship with this man is worth whatever it might take.

Good luck and God bless, wherever your path may lead!

Kay20002
by New Member on May. 24, 2013 at 4:27 PM

He reassures me all the time that we will be fine financially. And, tells me constantly that he loves me more than life. And, he treats me this way too! Yet, when I start to work through and plan with him, my mom pops back in the picture telling me that I am not living in reality and that she feels sorry for me...

djscinnabun
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 5:05 PM

 She's just being a mom, it sounds like - which means she's going to worry because she wants the world for you and to protect you, and that would be the case no matter what the situation. From the sound of it, she just wants to know you're taken care of - she'd probably be just as concerned, if not moreso, if you were in love with someone who didn't have children, but wasn't as financially secure. Ultimately you are the one who needs to determine the right decision for yourself and your situation; don't let her fears stand in the way of something you feel in every fiber of your being is where God wants you to be.

Funny enough, my mother always said she'd known I would eventually marry someone with a more difficult lifestyle, but that she knew if anyone could handle it, she knew I had the patience for it; she said she dreamt when I was a child, I married some kind of farmer - lol - CLOSE if you consider a pastor a shepherd! It may not be an easy path in life, by any means, but I know without a shadow of a doubt, this is where I'm meant to be...

I hope you can make this decision in your own life with that same certainty :)

He reassures me all the time that we will be fine financially. And, tells me constantly that he loves me more than life. And, he treats me this way too! Yet, when I start to work through and plan with him, my mom pops back in the picture telling me that I am not living in reality and that she feels sorry for me...


 

Kay20002
by New Member on May. 24, 2013 at 5:14 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you. I really appreciate your insight. I completely love him (yet, this is something that I have never contemplated for my life!). So, it has taken me by surprise. I want to be loving and understanding. And, God is giving me peace about the whole situation. I will continue to seek the Lord and not make any rash decisions. Blessings!

whatIknownow
by on May. 24, 2013 at 5:38 PM

well, he has very little parenting time, and in the future, he will continue to have very little parenting time. So really, all you have to do is be nice to his kids when they are visiting their dad. Not much more than that is required of you.

He will have expenses - in addition to child support, there will be other expenses, including college.

As long as you are prepared for that, I don't see any real issues that should affect you.

sonshining
by on May. 24, 2013 at 6:19 PM

Well, you can look through this group and read some posts from stepmoms to see what they go through and evaluate your own situation. Now, every situation is different, but I would caution you still. Observe his relationship with his ex. They will need to stay in touch because of the children they share. And if marriage is in your future, please seek stepparenting counseling. I don't doubt you love him, and you may love the girls. It is important to stay on the same page so you don't struggle with parenting issues when they do come up.

mrskimberlyh
by Member on May. 28, 2013 at 11:39 AM
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I agree with sonshining, but also want to mention that just reading the stories on here gives a somewhat unbalanced view of stepmothering in my opinion.  People tend to post when things are going badly and they need advice, not when things are going well in their stepmothering.  But it can't hurt to hear what other people have gone through.   Go into your own situation with both eyes open and lots of prayer and communication, and counseling could be a good idea too.

I also want to agree with not letting your mother's fears about finances become your own.  If you prioritize, it is still totally possible to have some of your own children and not need to work outside the home.  (I'm almost completely a stay at home Mom with three stepchildren, one of my own and one on the way and my husband makes much less than yours). 

It is a big and exciting decision you have ahead of you.  Let us know how it goes!

dreamypeony
by Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 10:08 PM

I have been married two years to my husband and we have two step kids full time (6 and 7).  Step parenting full time is really really hard and yet I adore my husband. I could never imagine being married to anyone else, and even when I hit rock bottom and am feeling dismayed by being a stepmom, I don't regret marrying.  If I were you, I wouldn't regret marrying the man I adore who is also my best friend.  I also don't think that the amount of time you will see the girls would be very difficult. What's hardest in the weird relationships that stepparenting presents to you is that they are weird and not normal.  It has taken me a long time to get over the fact that my step kids don't adore me like they do their mom. And that may be something you may face too. Another issue is how does your boyfriend relate to his ex. Does he still talk to her? Are they "friends"? Is she awful?  Having another woman who is regularly involved in your life financially and in other ways can be really hard.  A lot of times my husband's ex has made decisions that has affected our lives (like us having to cancel a date because she couldn't take the kids, etc.).  My husband often doesn't want to tell her no because he wants to keep the peace with her and doesn't want her to take custody back.  My advice would be to consider these kinds of scenarios and how you will feel having a woman around all the time who has slept with your man and has a say in what you do and the choices you make.

mariekay
by on Aug. 16, 2013 at 10:58 AM

I agree wholeheartedly.  

Quoting djscinnabun:

He doesn't have them very often for the time being, but that doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship with them later in life.

As for the other, are these YOUR fears, or your mother's fears just getting to you? His financial obligations to assisting in raising his children are an inexcapable reality, but shouldn't prevent you from having a family or staying at home with your eventual children should you choose to... it's simply a matter of organizing priorities and based on his income after support is deducted, can you make this a liveable budget for your eventual family? I urge you to fully consider what sacrifices might be needed in comparison to your current lifestyle, and if your relationship with this man is worth whatever it might take.

Good luck and God bless, wherever your path may lead!


Graceplustwo
by Member on Aug. 17, 2013 at 6:47 PM
What a amazing sched. You willl barely see them so I don't think you will have many problems. Just be nice and before you know it , it will be time for them to go back home.
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