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Bonding with ADHD stepson.

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 4:04 PM
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I am having such a hard time bonding with my 6 year old stepson.  He has extreme hyperactivity and I get very stressed out around people who are hyper and out of control.  I am always getting spit on, punched, cussed at, yelled at, property destroyed etc. due to his inability to control himself.  I have a biological son (4yrs old) who is victom of the hitting as well. I try to bond with my step son but he rejects physical touch such as hugs or kiss good night on the forehead.  When I try to talk to him about things he right away cuts me off and says something inappropriate like bad words because he thinks its funny.  Example- if I try to talk to him about Jesus he says he hates Jesus and he is stupid and he likes the devil because he thinks its funny.  If my 4 year old draws a picture of a puppy, my stepson will draw a picture of a puppy with its head cut off or something that is really disturbing.  This is not just sometimes but every interaction that I have with him.  I want to love him but I am finding it very difficult to even like him.  I dont know what to do. I try to correct his behavior and his dad thinkd I just need to "let him be himself".  I almost feel like giving up but I know in my heart that that is not the answer...

by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 4:04 PM
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by on Jan. 3, 2014 at 5:53 PM
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Well, hugs going your way. Sounds like way MORE than just hyperactivity. Sounds like some level of autism. And sorry to hear your husband says "let him be himself". That is violent, destructive behavior and it needs to be addressed and the boy needs serious help. Praying for some type of communication connect with your husband as your stepson will be trying as he gets older and it isn't a phase and it won't get easier.

by on Jan. 3, 2014 at 5:58 PM

It is really not necessary that you bond with him. All you have to do is be nice to him and let his father be a good parent to him.

by Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 3:53 PM
Instead of hugs and kisses, try fist bumps or high fives. I have a child who isn't real comfortable with physical affection, and the fist bumps and high fives work well for us. It's a way to show affection without making him uncomfortable. As far as him saying he hates Jesus, etc he's doing it to get a reaction. Don't give him one. Just say "oh you silly boy!" or something and move on. For bonding, try things like scavenger hunts, gluing pennies to a picture frame and hanging it in his room, planting vegetables or flowers, etc. Active things that don't take much focus, or just let him choose something he wants to do. It takes time and it isn't always easy, but you can do it! And it isn't that he can't control himself with the hitting and cussing, it's that he doesn't see the need to. He may not be able to control the hyperness and difficulty concentrating, but he CAN control hitting and cussing. Give him a reason to control it. You may be step mom, but while he is in your house he needs to follow your rules. Ground him, take away privileges, give him chores, etc. Treat him like you would your own child.
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by New Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 9:38 AM
I am having the exact same proble, we are in behavioral counseling, it helps some, but i am sick of hearing "its for attention" hes not attention deprived he was spoiled with no rules before i met his dad. It is a constant battle, no matter what i do he doesnt want anything to do with me, i am ready to pull my hair out, my poor hubby feels bad about it but im tired....just tired
by Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:06 PM
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You are sooo blessed to have a husband who is understanding of your feelings.  My biggest challenge is dealing with my husband because he doesn't allow me to correct the bad behavior.  He thinks "I'm being mean" when I put my step son in time out or even verbally correct him. Its so frusterating that it brings me to tears almost every day but I am not going to give up. As long as you guys are willing to do the behavioral counseling, there is hope that things will get better.

I would dis agree that he needs" more attention" It sounds like you are making an effort to give him attention. The hard part about kids with ADHD is that they need more than just your attention- they need extreme stimulation because they get bored with regular things. For example my 6 year old likes to catch bees and see if they will sting him.  He has already been stung twice :( but he loves the excitement of the possibility of getting hurt.  All I can do is try to redirect him to something equally as exciting but less dangerous.dont give up- try to find things that will keep his brain and body busy so he will not destroy things or hurt people around him.

I want to share something that has been revealed to me through prayer-  in my origional post, I said "I want to love him but Im finding it difficut to even like him."  Well I have realized that the "world" tells you that you must first like someone and then that will develope into love.  But Christ loves us even when we are not likeable people and we are instructed to LOVE eachother even strangers, even people who are not perfect.  So I guess I had it backwards and am now actively loving him daily regardless if I like his behavior.  Even when it gets hard sometimes I remind my self that I love him the way that Jesus loves me even though I do a lot of things wrong all the time.  I hope that idea can help someone else who is struggeling with this. :)

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