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They call me mom....

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:44 AM
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I have a question for all of you bonus mommas out there (I hate the word step)....what do your bonus kids call you? Mine call me mom or mama. The mom of the older 2 is totally cool with it. She told me once that I am their mom when they're with us. The mom of the youngest is the one I'm struggling with. She does have primary physical custody, but has zero bond with him. He knows & acknowledges that she is "mom", but with a "what's your point?"attitude. We've tried telling him to call me "mama KK"- which he was at first
..but now he's dropped the "KK" I am personally honored that they love me enough to bestow that beautiful name on me. Am I wrong for feeling this? Should I fight it or let it happen?
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:44 AM
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sonshining
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:44 AM
1 mom liked this

Let them call you whatever they feel comfortable with. My two stepsons called me by my name always, and they didn't even have a bio mom in their lives. They were 13 & 14 when I married thier Dad, calling me Mom just wasn't comfortable for them and I never forced them to call me that. I don't mind the word "stepmom" is is what I am. It's not a bad thing to be a stepmom. It's the role I was given and I've done the best I can with it.

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:46 AM

Maybe they dont want to call you their stepmom because they know you are embarrassed or ashamed of being a stepmother.

It may not mean they "love you enough to bestow that name on you."  The name does not indicate the relationship. I'm not saying they dont love you -- I'm sure they do, and that's great -- but it is not connected to the name they call you. If they were to stop calling you mom, they woudn't change how they feel about you.

kelaine1981
by New Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:43 PM
I am not embarrassed to be their stepmom. They called me mom BEFORE I married their dad. Its because they love me. I don't like" step" because in my town, it is looked at as an unimportant relationship. They didn't grow in me, but they do have a very special place in my heart. I think you must not have that relationship with yours and you are jealous. There's no reason for rudeness- I posted here bc its Christian Stepmoms. I thought I might actually come across decent people here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Maybe they dont want to call you their stepmom because they know you are embarrassed or ashamed of being a stepmother.

It may not mean they "love you enough to bestow that name on you."  The name does not indicate the relationship. I'm not saying they dont love you -- I'm sure they do, and that's great -- but it is not connected to the name they call you. If they were to stop calling you mom, they woudn't change how they feel about you.

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 7:37 PM

I'm sorry you feel that way about being a stepmother. Being a great stepmother is an honorable calling. Remember, it involves helping your stepkids keep God's commandment of honoring their mother.

Quoting kelaine1981: I am not embarrassed to be their stepmom. They called me mom BEFORE I married their dad. Its because they love me. I don't like" step" because in my town, it is looked at as an unimportant relationship. They didn't grow in me, but they do have a very special place in my heart. I think you must not have that relationship with yours and you are jealous. There's no reason for rudeness- I posted here bc its Christian Stepmoms. I thought I might actually come across decent people here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Maybe they dont want to call you their stepmom because they know you are embarrassed or ashamed of being a stepmother.

It may not mean they "love you enough to bestow that name on you."  The name does not indicate the relationship. I'm not saying they dont love you -- I'm sure they do, and that's great -- but it is not connected to the name they call you. If they were to stop calling you mom, they woudn't change how they feel about you.


NotTheBradys
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 8:54 PM
2 moms liked this

 It's great that you have such a strong bond with your stepkids.  It's also great that oneBM sees you as a strong ally in helping to rasie her kids. 

The other BM, well.... all you can do is try to reassure her that you are in no waytrying to replace her and talk to DSS about respecting his mother and not giving her 'ther attitude' when he speaks to her. 

Like you, I don't necessarily like the word 'step', but it what it is.  If the kids are happy to call you 'Mom,' then let them.  They know who gave birth to them.  They also know who loves and care for them- and that includes you.

Zamaria
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:04 PM
My skids call me mom. It's just because they want to. I don't care if they call me mom or by my name or a nickname, it's their choice. I also don't care what people think about the "position" of step mom. It isn't an easy job, and I have to say almost everyone I know is really supportive. If people are acting like you are unimportant because you're their step mom, maybe those people aren't the best people to be around. Being a step mom is very important. You have a lot of influence over the kids' you're helping to raise! Sounds like the people who are acting like it isn't important may have given you the idea that you aren't as important as you actually are. Don't buy into that. I don't actually know anyone whose skids call them stepmom. It's usually just mom, their name or a nickname. My niece was in the habit of calling me mom just because she called any female that she liked mom, so we went with Mimi to avoid confusion. It worked well for us, and may work for you if you want to avoid confusion and issues with the bio mom. With my youngest, I am mommy, his bio mom is mom. That kind of gives us some distinction too. Maybe one of those things will help.
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whatIknownow
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:12 PM

It's true! It's an honor to be a good SM. It is not something to be ashamed of.

The mother is the mother and nothing will change that. A SM  is not the mom, but being a good SM is a wondrous thing. You definitely have a lot of influence.

I would just ignore anyone who says your role is not important.

Quoting Zamaria: My skids call me mom. It's just because they want to. I don't care if they call me mom or by my name or a nickname, it's their choice. I also don't care what people think about the "position" of step mom. It isn't an easy job, and I have to say almost everyone I know is really supportive. If people are acting like you are unimportant because you're their step mom, maybe those people aren't the best people to be around. Being a step mom is very important. You have a lot of influence over the kids' you're helping to raise! Sounds like the people who are acting like it isn't important may have given you the idea that you aren't as important as you actually are. Don't buy into that. I don't actually know anyone whose skids call them stepmom. It's usually just mom, their name or a nickname. My niece was in the habit of calling me mom just because she called any female that she liked mom, so we went with Mimi to avoid confusion. It worked well for us, and may work for you if you want to avoid confusion and issues with the bio mom. With my youngest, I am mommy, his bio mom is mom. That kind of gives us some distinction too. Maybe one of those things will help.


kelaine1981
by New Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Thank you! Glad to see I'm not the only one who doesnt like the word "step"- that makes me feel better. :-)

Quoting NotTheBradys:

 It's great that you have such a strong bond with your stepkids.  It's also great that oneBM sees you as a strong ally in helping to rasie her kids. 


The other BM, well.... all you can do is try to reassure her that you are in no waytrying to replace her and talk to DSS about respecting his mother and not giving her 'ther attitude' when he speaks to her. 


Like you, I don't necessarily like the word 'step', but it what it is.  If the kids are happy to call you 'Mom,' then let them.  They know who gave birth to them.  They also know who loves and care for them- and that includes you.

kelaine1981
by New Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 9:20 AM
Its not people I hang out with that feel that way. My family & DHs family are very supportive of us. Its educators that won't tell me anything bc I'm "just the stepmom. I don't need the info." Its the mom of the youngest because he does have a stronger bond with me she doesn't spend quality time with him, we do. Its the attorneys on both sides that feel none of it is any of my business, though it affects my household. So see, its not people I've made a choice to be around.


Quoting Zamaria: My skids call me mom. It's just because they want to. I don't care if they call me mom or by my name or a nickname, it's their choice. I also don't care what people think about the "position" of step mom. It isn't an easy job, and I have to say almost everyone I know is really supportive. If people are acting like you are unimportant because you're their step mom, maybe those people aren't the best people to be around. Being a step mom is very important. You have a lot of influence over the kids' you're helping to raise! Sounds like the people who are acting like it isn't important may have given you the idea that you aren't as important as you actually are. Don't buy into that. I don't actually know anyone whose skids call them stepmom. It's usually just mom, their name or a nickname. My niece was in the habit of calling me mom just because she called any female that she liked mom, so we went with Mimi to avoid confusion. It worked well for us, and may work for you if you want to avoid confusion and issues with the bio mom. With my youngest, I am mommy, his bio mom is mom. That kind of gives us some distinction too. Maybe one of those things will help.
Zamaria
by Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 11:28 AM
If your dh writes a note stating that you are to have full access to any information and have the authority to make decisions regarding the kids the school and they attorneys should honor that. They have with me, and I take care of everything as far as school, doctors, etc. goes. DH just gave them the note to keep on file and it hasn't been a problem at all since then. They run into a lot of issues because of privacy laws, etc. so they do tend to be very careful with who they share info with. Doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to tell you or don't think it's your business, they usually just want to avoid legal issues if the bio mom gets mad about it. If they have consent to share info that usually solves the problem.

Quoting kelaine1981: Its not people I hang out with that feel that way. My family & DHs family are very supportive of us. Its educators that won't tell me anything bc I'm "just the stepmom. I don't need the info." Its the mom of the youngest because he does have a stronger bond with me she doesn't spend quality time with him, we do. Its the attorneys on both sides that feel none of it is any of my business, though it affects my household. So see, its not people I've made a choice to be around.





Quoting Zamaria: My skids call me mom. It's just because they want to. I don't care if they call me mom or by my name or a nickname, it's their choice. I also don't care what people think about the "position" of step mom. It isn't an easy job, and I have to say almost everyone I know is really supportive. If people are acting like you are unimportant because you're their step mom, maybe those people aren't the best people to be around. Being a step mom is very important. You have a lot of influence over the kids' you're helping to raise! Sounds like the people who are acting like it isn't important may have given you the idea that you aren't as important as you actually are. Don't buy into that. I don't actually know anyone whose skids call them stepmom. It's usually just mom, their name or a nickname. My niece was in the habit of calling me mom just because she called any female that she liked mom, so we went with Mimi to avoid confusion. It worked well for us, and may work for you if you want to avoid confusion and issues with the bio mom. With my youngest, I am mommy, his bio mom is mom. That kind of gives us some distinction too. Maybe one of those things will help.
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