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Im I the only one whos felt this way?

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 6:58 PM
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Hello,

I'm new here.

Im 26 and in my first year of marriage. I have a very loving husband who has a 3 year old son from a previous women.

I'm a new step mom and I find myself struggling deeply with the fact that my stepsons mother will always be in the picture. I'm struggling with jealousy and insecurity and its beginning to cause fights.

I've been in the word and praying but, sometimes I feel so alone in this struggle. Are there any other women out there who've dealt with the same thing? How did god show you to be at peace with your accepting the mother will always be part of the relationship?

April

by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 6:58 PM
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Replies (1-5):
whatIknownow
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 7:18 PM

Serious question here, how is the mother "part of the relationship?"

She is part of the relationship that your husband has with their shared child, but how is she part of the relationship between you and your husband?

backyardgypsy87
by New Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:30 PM
I guess it's a matter of me accepting that she will always be in contact with my husband even though there is no relationship between them.
youngstepmom512
by New Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 9:19 AM
I stuggle with the same thing, I'll keep you in prayer but I haven't found a way around it yet
SoccerStepmom2
by Member on Apr. 6, 2014 at 10:57 PM

I guess my first question is whether the jealousy and insecurity is about the boy's relationship with his mom or your husband's relationship with her? 

My youngest was 3 going on 4 when I first started dating my husband.  He would be very sweet and cuddly with me, being a mamma's boy already, but then when she was around he was completely hands off.  I found that hurtful, though I understood it.  A year or two into our relationship we were at one of the older one's basketball games, and his mom, when she came in with the younger one, sat down next to me and started to chat.  (We'd talked breifly before and she'd been friendly, but never long chats or sitting together during a game.)  Almost immediately Josh started showing affection for me; he could tell that she was ok with me.  He went back and forth almost the entire game hugging me then her, and taking turns sitting in our laps; it felt like he was relieved.  I realized how important our relationship was to his emotional health and (not that I was ever on bad terms with her) I was convicted to really make the effort to have a strong relationship with her.  I've struggled though over the years knowing that as much as he loves me, it will never compare to the bond he has with her.  And that hurts me very much at times.

Regarding my husband and his ex's relationship - they weren't on very good terms.  I would have to remind him that the way he would treat her was teaching the kids how to treat women.  He's gotten a lot more civil over the years, and I've occassionally had jealousy there.  In conversations she frequently brings up things from their past.  I can't tell if it's intentional jabs, like "I was here first and we have history" or if it's just her searching for common ground, but I've struggled with a little jealousy there, too.  Sometimes she'll send my husband pictures of the boys while there with her or email him, excluding me, about things going on.  But, in the end, I put my faith in Christ who brought us together.  I know that jealousy (which I struggled with a lot at first in other, non-ex-wife areas) does nothing to improve our relationship and everything to errode it.  I trust God to bring me through whatever might happen and I realize that the chance of him cheating on me (with no previous history of it) is very low.  I think it just takes time.  It felt so real and scary back then, and now, 5 or so years later, I almost can't even remember feeling that way.

I suspect I didn't really get to the heart of your question, but I hope it helped some.  Just keep praying about it and doing your best.  I think it gets better in time, as God changes our heart.

Jenn

missmel91
by New Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 6:40 PM

I too struggle with this. The hardest part I have found is that his ex and I have completely different personalities, and sometimes I feel as though I'm doing more for her child than she is. Its hard for me to "Let go and Let God", if that makes any sense. I will keep you in my prayers :)

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