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I am just not good at this whole step mom thing. :(

Posted by on Jul. 27, 2014 at 9:03 PM
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Or on second thought i just suck as a person? Im pretty down today. I know its because its my time of the month but these are just feelings that i depress normally. The back story is dad works tuesday- sat from 7-6 and the kids get in bed at about 7. So from tuesday-saturday i watch my bio kids and my stepdaughter and in the very beginning she was very resistant to me which is normal (she was a daddys girl). Well now we have gotten to a point where i do all the basics you know make her food, give her a bath, give her a hug when she wants( i dont want to over step and make her feel like im forcing myself on her) read her books when she asks, and make sure i am fair with discipline. She goes to her moms every other weekend and most of the time like last weekend her mother cancels. So she sees her about once a month. I know that i am not her mother and i am not trying to replace her what so ever but i just feel so useless. Like what is my purpose? She has a mom, she has a dad...The mom is busy working and so is the dad and so i guess you can say my purpose is to take care of her but its hard because since i have been in her life for 3 years now (she is 4) i keep feeling a protectiveness over her like her mother would and i know its not right, I am not her mom..and her mom will let me know in her own ways that i am not her mother or anything close. She tells me that we will never have a relationship close to what they have and i know she is right but it just sucks. I feel like a teenager because i am soooo jealous of her. She is the beautiful little angels mom and i am just i guess her caretaker. ugh... vent over thanks :/

by on Jul. 27, 2014 at 9:03 PM
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LiveInTheNow
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 12:20 AM

It will get better with time, im sure you are much more protective of her since she is so small. I met my SD when she was almost 7 and have been in her life for about 4 years now and I am very protective of her as well. I have never had a hard time with her, a few spats here and there and thats normal, but she is such an easy going great kid and i understand your feelings. Its true your not her mom, but you are her stepmom, its ok to want to look out for her, but your right you have to be careful not to overstep your boundaries. If BM is not being good to SD she will see that in time. She will always love her mother, but she may not have that emotional relationship with her that she should be able to have and she will need you when she is older. Keep your chin up and dont give up. You do have a purpose.

JustJazzie90
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 12:58 AM
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Awwww thank yoou so very much ! that made me very happy to hear :) I will say the only reason it was so rough in the beginning was because the dad worked and she stayed home with her mom and all her mom did was sleep and put her on the ipad so my sd pretty much did whatever. She colored on walls, walked around with a poopy diaper, didnt eat for hours. She was so young and was able to do what she wanted and didnt have anyone there for her until her dad would come home. Her mom was and has always been a yeller and a spanker. She learned at a young age if she threw a temper her mom would give in. She also learned that if she got in her moms way her mom would snap, so there is a lot of trauma from that.  We are more the calm and patient type. We are both in the teaching field so we have learned some better ways to discipline ;) My SD does not want to go see her mom when she is supposed to just because it is the same. She doesnt watch her, she is hungry, and they dont do much. I will always be here for her and i guess i will always be protective of her. At some point she will see that no matter what her mom is her mom but like you said she wont have that emotional relationship she should be able to have and like i said I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER. Me and her have such a great relationship. 

Quoting LiveInTheNow:

It will get better with time, im sure you are much more protective of her since she is so small. I met my SD when she was almost 7 and have been in her life for about 4 years now and I am very protective of her as well. I have never had a hard time with her, a few spats here and there and thats normal, but she is such an easy going great kid and i understand your feelings. Its true your not her mom, but you are her stepmom, its ok to want to look out for her, but your right you have to be careful not to overstep your boundaries. If BM is not being good to SD she will see that in time. She will always love her mother, but she may not have that emotional relationship with her that she should be able to have and she will need you when she is older. Keep your chin up and dont give up. You do have a purpose.


whatIknownow
by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 6:56 AM

It's a shame her mom won't take her during the week, to give you a break.

JustJazzie90
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 1:27 PM

I think it is a shame not to give me a break but to have a relationship with her daughter. She will regret it though when her daughter is older.

Quoting whatIknownow:

It's a shame her mom won't take her during the week, to give you a break.


sonshining
by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 2:16 PM
1 mom liked this

Your role and purpose as her stepmother is nothing to feel bad or insecure about. It is highly important. But don't feel guilty for wanting to love her and give her attention. That is just you - you are loving. Go with it. Your stepdaughter is seeing you for who you are. The bio mom will continue to make sure she doesn't get replaced, she is threatened, no doubt about that, but don't pay attention to her words, carry on loving and caring for your children, bio or not.

JustJazzie90
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 3:22 PM

Thank you :) I will always continue to love and care for her <3

Quoting sonshining:

Your role and purpose as her stepmother is nothing to feel bad or insecure about. It is highly important. But don't feel guilty for wanting to love her and give her attention. That is just you - you are loving. Go with it. Your stepdaughter is seeing you for who you are. The bio mom will continue to make sure she doesn't get replaced, she is threatened, no doubt about that, but don't pay attention to her words, carry on loving and caring for your children, bio or not.


NotTheBradys
by on Jul. 29, 2014 at 8:50 PM

 First off, don't change what you are doing- treating her as one of your own.  BM sounds a bit jealous of your relationship with her daughter, but it doesn't seem like she is too keen on making time for her daughter herself, though.  Who says it's not right to feel the way you do (protective, etc.)?  You're a mother figure to SD- you won't take BM's place.  Also keep in mind that kids gravitate to the ones they know, trust, and (most importantly) feel safe with.

She is right- you will never have a relationship close to what they have..... your relationship with SD may be even better than that.  I think that BM may be trying to psych you out.  She may even be a little jealous of your relationship with her DD. 

 

JustJazzie90
by Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 6:56 PM

One of my closest friends told me that all of her actions towards me express jealousy. My friend majored in psych lol. Your right she pulls the "im her mother so even if i dont see her for years me and her will always have that relationship that you and her will never get."That is how she justifies not seeing her daughter, well also she says she works a lot...anyways though I do understand the whole mother daughter connection but IMO my mother birthed me but my step mother raised me. I would see my mom probably about once or twice a month and i loved her because she was my mom but there was no relationship there. I also think that she is trying to psych me out because she still has feelings for her ex and has wanted him back for so long so she tries to push me away but he has already explained to her that if he wanted to be with her that he would, there was a year gap in bettween there divorce before me and him even met. I will not let her get to me though. I have a really good relationship with my SD and i will continue to nourish it :) Thank you very much !

 Quoting NotTheBradys:

 First off, don't change what you are doing- treating her as one of your own.  BM sounds a bit jealous of your relationship with her daughter, but it doesn't seem like she is too keen on making time for her daughter herself, though.  Who says it's not right to feel the way you do (protective, etc.)?  You're a mother figure to SD- you won't take BM's place.  Also keep in mind that kids gravitate to the ones they know, trust, and (most importantly) feel safe with.

She is right- you will never have a relationship close to what they have..... your relationship with SD may be even better than that.  I think that BM may be trying to psych you out.  She may even be a little jealous of your relationship with her DD. 

 


NotTheBradys
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 8:00 PM

 I do believe your friend nailed it.....

No, the relationships are not the same.   Just because she gave birth to SD, that does not mean that they have, or will ever have, a relationship.  It's the same with an adopted child.  A parent/child relationship is not just "there"- it must be built.  As parents, we teach our children to love and trust by meeting their needs physically and emotionally.  If those needs are not met, the child does not learn to have a relationship.  They trust no one and cannot love.

My BF's ex sounds a bit like BM here.  She wants BF back, but not because she loves him.  She loves the lifestyle she had with him.  She put him into bankruptcy and almost caused him to lose the house because of her uncontrolled spending.  He tried to stop it, but she would just go behind his back and open new credit accounts.  Now, she is stuck living with a friend while we have worked to save the house (thru a loan modification) and to clear up his credit. 

Your SD is lucky to have someone like you in her life- just as lucky as you are to have her in yours.  Just keep nurturing that bond!    =) 

Quoting JustJazzie90:

One of my closest friends told me that all of her actions towards me express jealousy. My friend majored in psych lol. Your right she pulls the "im her mother so even if i dont see her for years me and her will always have that relationship that you and her will never get."That is how she justifies not seeing her daughter, well also she says she works a lot...anyways though I do understand the whole mother daughter connection but IMO my mother birthed me but my step mother raised me. I would see my mom probably about once or twice a month and i loved her because she was my mom but there was no relationship there. I also think that she is trying to psych me out because she still has feelings for her ex and has wanted him back for so long so she tries to push me away but he has already explained to her that if he wanted to be with her that he would, there was a year gap in bettween there divorce before me and him even met. I will not let her get to me though. I have a really good relationship with my SD and i will continue to nourish it :) Thank you very much !

 Quoting NotTheBradys:

 First off, don't change what you are doing- treating her as one of your own.  BM sounds a bit jealous of your relationship with her daughter, but it doesn't seem like she is too keen on making time for her daughter herself, though.  Who says it's not right to feel the way you do (protective, etc.)?  You're a mother figure to SD- you won't take BM's place.  Also keep in mind that kids gravitate to the ones they know, trust, and (most importantly) feel safe with.

She is right- you will never have a relationship close to what they have..... your relationship with SD may be even better than that.  I think that BM may be trying to psych you out.  She may even be a little jealous of your relationship with her DD. 

 

 

JustJazzie90
by Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 10:56 PM

Exactly! She just doesnt get that but thats just her way of thinking and she will be sorry when her daughter gets older. 


Oh wow when i read that it brought back a lot of memories. The reason that she wants him back is to show me who is in charge. She actually told someone i know that and of course they told me. She has a personality that is strange, its like a constant need to show everyone she is in charge. When they split up he gave her the car that he sold his truck to get, the house, all the furniture and tvs, and he had to pay child support even though we have her all the time. She has 2 other children and doesnt have custody of them..I mean none of this is mu business i know but i just got flash backs of how mean and nasty xs can be. 


Thank you very much :)

Quoting NotTheBradys:

 I do believe your friend nailed it.....

No, the relationships are not the same.   Just because she gave birth to SD, that does not mean that they have, or will ever have, a relationship.  It's the same with an adopted child.  A parent/child relationship is not just "there"- it must be built.  As parents, we teach our children to love and trust by meeting their needs physically and emotionally.  If those needs are not met, the child does not learn to have a relationship.  They trust no one and cannot love.

My BF's ex sounds a bit like BM here.  She wants BF back, but not because she loves him.  She loves the lifestyle she had with him.  She put him into bankruptcy and almost caused him to lose the house because of her uncontrolled spending.  He tried to stop it, but she would just go behind his back and open new credit accounts.  Now, she is stuck living with a friend while we have worked to save the house (thru a loan modification) and to clear up his credit. 

Your SD is lucky to have someone like you in her life- just as lucky as you are to have her in yours.  Just keep nurturing that bond!    =) 

Quoting JustJazzie90:

One of my closest friends told me that all of her actions towards me express jealousy. My friend majored in psych lol. Your right she pulls the "im her mother so even if i dont see her for years me and her will always have that relationship that you and her will never get."That is how she justifies not seeing her daughter, well also she says she works a lot...anyways though I do understand the whole mother daughter connection but IMO my mother birthed me but my step mother raised me. I would see my mom probably about once or twice a month and i loved her because she was my mom but there was no relationship there. I also think that she is trying to psych me out because she still has feelings for her ex and has wanted him back for so long so she tries to push me away but he has already explained to her that if he wanted to be with her that he would, there was a year gap in bettween there divorce before me and him even met. I will not let her get to me though. I have a really good relationship with my SD and i will continue to nourish it :) Thank you very much !

 Quoting NotTheBradys:

 First off, don't change what you are doing- treating her as one of your own.  BM sounds a bit jealous of your relationship with her daughter, but it doesn't seem like she is too keen on making time for her daughter herself, though.  Who says it's not right to feel the way you do (protective, etc.)?  You're a mother figure to SD- you won't take BM's place.  Also keep in mind that kids gravitate to the ones they know, trust, and (most importantly) feel safe with.

She is right- you will never have a relationship close to what they have..... your relationship with SD may be even better than that.  I think that BM may be trying to psych you out.  She may even be a little jealous of your relationship with her DD. 

 

 


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