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My Situation

Posted by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 1:16 AM
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I'll  start with my marriage. I met my husband when i was 22.. we were together a decade before we got married .  We had problems in the beginning of our relationship.. and one incident hurt my feeling so bad i nearly called it all off. I literally hurt in my stomach.. was it my gut telling me something wasn't right.  Well I got over that and went on to enjoy  a few years before our first child came along.  ( We never planned our children , they just happened.  That doesn't in any way change the way i feel about them. )   My husband i'll call "GA" always had hobbies and although they changed over the years one thing remains constant, whatever he took on  as hobby  he was completely dedicated to and would read and research it inside out.  So much to the point everything else in his life was pushed aside.  He also was working with troubled teens when  i met him which gave me the sub-consceious thought that he would be good with children.   I once read that you should go back to when you first met  your partner and see what it was that you loved about them and use that as a guide to go back to when re-examing your relationship.   In doing that i see how he stood out from the other guys i met , his friendliness, his intellilgence and his passion. I know there are more things but i'm having a hard time remembering them.   As the years went by and a decade later  we had 5 children.   He was great with the first couple children and he spent much time with them teaching them stuff  and enjoying them.. it became less and less as the other 3 came along.  We nearly broke up when i became pregnant the last time.. i was thinking of giving up my baby for adoption.. Hormones.??? I couldn't imagine life without my baby boy now.  But when the babies were born he was there in the delivery room for every one of them.  When i was pregnant with them , he didn't do the things he did with the  others., especially the last couple pregnancies . I couldn't get  him to feel when the baby  moved or decide on names.. He just didn't want to connect with it.   We fought more and more over the years mostly about the care of the children.and the upkeep of our house.  I wanted him to pay more attention to them and be more hands on , be there as they ran a race , competed in a sport but he immersed himself in his latest  hobby and told me i was there and that was good enough.  I use most of my vacation from work to see them play sports or volunteer as a chaperone. He uses most of his holdays to go fishing or hunting.  

I have sought professional help a few times over the year and  have asked him to come with me but he refuses.  He figues whatever i wrong is all in my head . He  says i analyis way too much

by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 1:16 AM
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Dodie
by Group Owner on Jun. 16, 2007 at 9:38 AM
I will never claim to be an authority on relationships. Truth is, if I look back I can say that I've been in several relationships similar to yours. At, this moment I"m making breakfast for my 2 year old and his waffles just came up. Be right back.
I apologize, I wanted to get him settled so I wouldn't loose track of thoughts as I was writing. I've been in the relationships where, I was to ambitous, I was to analytical, I was to worried, I was (insert adverb,verb,noun). Finally oneday I just looked up and realized that although I may not be the perfect person. I did love, care, and was concerned about others and myself. I decided that "I was to ambitious", wasn't a bad thing. I took that as a way of saying there wasn't anything I couldn't do. To be honest those men and those relationships. They were just trying to find and easy out. I was to willing to "work it out" I was willing to give and give and give and eventually I'd get worn out and I'd just start fighting and it didn't matter over what.It seems to me that you've done just about everything you can think of. From talking with him, to trying to include him, to seeking outside help. It seems to be now it's time for you to come to terms. When, I say that I mean for example: Friday you get off work, go home pick up the house, call your parents and see if you can visit for the weekend. Start a game with the kiddos write down a list of things that need to be packed. Then set them to packing their own bags. Most of the time they love to pack their own bags and it's good for them. Not to mention it gives you an opportunity to assist the younger ones and to get your own stuff together. When he comes home ask him if he wants to come along let him know that you pulled all of his stuff out all he has to do is put it in a bag. You'd planned on getting pizza on the way so if he would like to take a shower go ahead we'll wait. If he chooses not to go. Smile quietly and then holler at the kids "RACE TO THE CAR!!, LAST ONE IN IS A ROTTEN EGG!" Then dash out the door kids in tow. If you can't go away for the weekend. Go away for the day. Go to a girlfriends house.Take the kids to the zoo. It's not about making him jealous or excluding him. Encourage him to come along at anytime. You need to have a life with your children. You obviously are the only one there with them. You need to have fun with them and you need to have fun in general. One weekend send them to the Grandparents. Try and plan to have a night just you and him. If he doesn't seem interested just tell him " I understand, you've had a stressful week.'" Then call your girlfriends and have a party at your home movies, popcorn, truth or dare. I know some of this sounds childish but, in the same breath when you start doing for yourself and you start doing for your children you feel better. Not to mention you need a break sometimes too. At no point have you ignored him or asked him to not be involved you have simply asked and he has either denied or agreed. You have to take care of yourself and the children if he wants to be around then he can and if he doesn't it was his choice. I hope that i've encouraged you a little and maybe given you some hope. It's hard being a parent muchless a single parent even if you are married.
seg61
by New Member on Jun. 19, 2007 at 11:53 PM
Thanks for your kind comments Dodie.. i will take some of that into consideration. I used to read  Dr. Phil it  your advice rings familiar to me.. I'm just not sure how  much longer i can play this game with him..it's just so frustrating.
Quoting Dodie:

I will never claim to be an authority on relationships. Truth is, if I look back I can say that I've been in several relationships similar to yours. At, this moment I"m making breakfast for my 2 year old and his waffles just came up. Be right back.
I apologize, I wanted to get him settled so I wouldn't loose track of thoughts as I was writing. I've been in the relationships where, I was to ambitous, I was to analytical, I was to worried, I was (insert adverb,verb,noun). Finally oneday I just looked up and realized that although I may not be the perfect person. I did love, care, and was concerned about others and myself. I decided that "I was to ambitious", wasn't a bad thing. I took that as a way of saying there wasn't anything I couldn't do. To be honest those men and those relationships. They were just trying to find and easy out. I was to willing to "work it out" I was willing to give and give and give and eventually I'd get worn out and I'd just start fighting and it didn't matter over what.It seems to me that you've done just about everything you can think of. From talking with him, to trying to include him, to seeking outside help. It seems to be now it's time for you to come to terms. When, I say that I mean for example: Friday you get off work, go home pick up the house, call your parents and see if you can visit for the weekend. Start a game with the kiddos write down a list of things that need to be packed. Then set them to packing their own bags. Most of the time they love to pack their own bags and it's good for them. Not to mention it gives you an opportunity to assist the younger ones and to get your own stuff together. When he comes home ask him if he wants to come along let him know that you pulled all of his stuff out all he has to do is put it in a bag. You'd planned on getting pizza on the way so if he would like to take a shower go ahead we'll wait. If he chooses not to go. Smile quietly and then holler at the kids "RACE TO THE CAR!!, LAST ONE IN IS A ROTTEN EGG!" Then dash out the door kids in tow. If you can't go away for the weekend. Go away for the day. Go to a girlfriends house.Take the kids to the zoo. It's not about making him jealous or excluding him. Encourage him to come along at anytime. You need to have a life with your children. You obviously are the only one there with them. You need to have fun with them and you need to have fun in general. One weekend send them to the Grandparents. Try and plan to have a night just you and him. If he doesn't seem interested just tell him " I understand, you've had a stressful week.'" Then call your girlfriends and have a party at your home movies, popcorn, truth or dare. I know some of this sounds childish but, in the same breath when you start doing for yourself and you start doing for your children you feel better. Not to mention you need a break sometimes too. At no point have you ignored him or asked him to not be involved you have simply asked and he has either denied or agreed. You have to take care of yourself and the children if he wants to be around then he can and if he doesn't it was his choice. I hope that i've encouraged you a little and maybe given you some hope. It's hard being a parent muchless a single parent even if you are married.
Dodie
by Group Owner on Jun. 24, 2007 at 7:51 AM
I've never read Dr. Phil, I think he's a nice guy though. I hope that you can find the strength to hold on. Sometimes it's at the weakest points in your life that you find your own strength.
jeniann77
by on Jul. 4, 2007 at 10:30 PM
I think your hubby and mine were separated at birth!  I always fell like I am a "single mom".  To make matters worse, hubby's hobbies take priority over EVERYTHING.  He does not work, does not help at home, does not do anything really but "follow his dreams".  Add to that many years of verbal and emotional abuse, affairs, porn addiction, and neglect and we have one hell of a mess.  We have separated twice and have been in counseling for 2 years.  This is my final attempt, but to be honest...I think it is over.  I just haven't figured out the hows and whens yet.  Remember, you can not change him...he has to want to change.  After a 12 year war, I have come to realize he will never want to change for longer than it takes to calm me down and put both my feet back in the door.  Mine is what they call "narcissistic" and does not care to change. Maybe yours is to?

 "Men are like fine wine.  They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like too have dinner with."   Also appearing daily at a Myspace near you!http://www.myspace.com/krazykessingers

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