My 10 year old son says he has no friends. Any suggestions?

Replies:

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• by
  • myangels310
  on Nov. 6, 2009 at 6:36 AM

• I have the problem. My son is AD/HD which makes it hard for him to make friends. At school he has knowone he knows due to the fact it is a new school for this school year. He is in a after school program called CLC which he gets to some after school things one of them he choose was robotic labs and he went back to doing two days of homework help due to the that he was not being talk to. He is also involed in Tae Kwon Do which has given him friends outside of school. I understand your heart break I don't have any suggestions I been tring to help him with this as well but nothing I do has help.

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• by
  • Zaylah
  on Nov. 6, 2009 at 7:44 PM

•   That is very sad. Try printing invitations for a slumber party. Let him invite 4 or 5 boys. Atleast one is sure to come. Take them to a video store and let them pick out a movie, order pizza and pop some popcorn and there's always video games. Make sure they have alot of fun so that they'll still be talking about it in school on Monday(during lunch). Maybe then he'll have a couple of friends.

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• by
  • allwritenow
  on Nov. 7, 2009 at 8:00 AM

• You know, my son is 11 and he says the same thing. He is in sixth grade. In our town, the children come together in 5th grade from three different K-4 schools. Because the school is so big, they have to separate them and have two lunch periods for 5th, and two for 6th grades. In 5th grade, one of his two best friends had the same lunch. This year, neither of his friends shares the same lunch. Because of the way the school is set up, it can isolate the children.

  I will add that my neighbor's daughter (also in 6th grade) says she has no friends. She cries every day after school because she doesn't have friends. She actually has several friends and her mother and I both know it. While I do know kids who seem to have plenty of friends, I have to wonder if some of the insecurity isn't partly the age.

  It's a sad situation either way. Good luck.
  

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• by
  • LKornak
  on Nov. 7, 2009 at 9:09 AM

• Is your son shy? Have you just moved recently? If you could give us some more information I think some of us could be more helpful. Has he had friends in the past? Just curious.

  Has he played sports or joined scouts or particpated in some other extracurricular activity? Does he like bowling, skating, the library, movies, etc? I would work with his interests and then he can have a subject to talk to other kids with who also have the same interests as him.

  Do you think he lacks self-confidence? I would try to get him involved in some activity with other children. What about your neighborhood too? Are there other kids from his school around? In our neighborhood there isn't even 1 kid around (except for 1 young boy who visits his dad every other weekend). My daughter is in scouts & plays sports on & off during the year. I have an older son who was not as outgoing as her but he did play baseball & was in scouts for awhile. Do you attend church? My kids made friends there too. Sometimes it takes awhile to make a really worthwhile friend too. I myself found this out when my family moved from the midwest and then to the east coast when I was 13 yrs. old. It took me over a year to make some nice friends. I then kept myself busy with alot of pen pals!

  Good luck & let us know how you make out!

  Laura in PA

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• by
  • PhillyinFrance
  on Nov. 7, 2009 at 1:38 PM

• I can only agree with the suggestions by a PP to have something like a slumber party, or you can simply have him regularly invite kids over or to go along with you, if you go to the movies or sports game, anything like that.  I think that kids make friends best when they are one on one; having a few good allies can be good in school, and of course at school lunches.   Also, at times, you don't have to do much... if he likes video games and finds someone else who does too.. that can help them bond (as long as the don't go overboard!)

  But also, maybe you should use some reverse thinking - what does he know, or like about others?   Maybe he needs come coaching on some basics like suggest he ask kids what sports they play, when they play next, and make sure he asks about the results of the game - or maybe he could even go to it.   I'd quiz or role play with him a bit - see how he'd go about striking up a conversation, give him ideas of what to say.

  I also agree with the other posters, that some of it can be simple insecurity.  He may be eating with other kids, but just not realize that some of that banal conversation and joking is part of being friends.

  Good luck!

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• by
  • boychaser3
  on Nov. 7, 2009 at 3:52 PM

• I am kind of having the same problem with my 10y/o.  See my post self-esteem.  I am learning that there is a difference between having kids you play with and really having a friend that is by your side through everything.  I see other kids who have really bonded together through little league sports or because their parents are close friends.  My son doesn't have this because he never got into little league and we don't  really have friends that have children my son's age.  He has a really good friend at church but that boy is home-schooled.  I wish my son could find someone at school to really bond with, as long as the kid is not obnoxious. (j/k)  As for a suggestion, I was told to check and see if our school had some type of mentoring program.  You might try this as well.  Good luck.  It breaks my heart to hear about kids who feel left out, I also worry about adolescent depression.

   

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• by
  • Nonnie74
  on Nov. 9, 2009 at 8:17 AM

• Thanks for all of the advice.  He is shy and he has a few friends that are in the neighborhood but they are a grade below him.  He hasn't wanted to be involved in any activities untill now.  I told him that would help with having friends outside of school. he wants to try Taekwondo which is also suppose to be good for self-esteem. 

  Last week he buddied up with a new kid in his class.  I found out he only lives around the corner.  I am going to see if he wants to invite him over to play.

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• by
  • jhelmke
  on Nov. 9, 2009 at 11:56 AM

• My son will be 10 soon and he has this problem off and on.   We have no kids in the neighborhood. His friends are at school and sport events.  He has started doing more stuff away from school to meet kids his age. He is into 4-H, art classes and 5k's. I think kids cycle through friends.   I find my son friends have a hard time dealing with each other. There seems to be a strict code about sport kids and other kids that my son does not follow. I wish all the kids that needed friends were closer. I know my son is on the shy side.  He likes it when a child talks to him first.

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• by
  • chocolatethundr
  on Nov. 10, 2009 at 12:45 PM

• I had the same problem with my oldest.  I told her that it was okay that the other kids did not play with her.  I also told her to start doing things by herself and make seem like she is having loads of fun.  Because children are naturally nosy someone will come to see what she is doing and what to hang out. Now my child is okay being by herself and with friends.  Just continue to build his self confidence and let him know there is nothing wrong with him and to be his self and everything will work out okay.  Also let him know it might not work over night but it does

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• by
  • cinki
  on Nov. 10, 2009 at 3:09 PM

• My oldest son had this problem because of ADHD.  I enrolled him into the Boy Scouts.  It made a world of difference, because it was a chance to make some new friends, plus get to know some boys better he already knew. 

   As a  member of most groups, kids tend to let you in and include you, when you see them all the time in the same setting.

  (He ended up liking what he was doing, it gave him opportunities to do thing he never would of experienced otherwise,and he went onto become an Eagle) , so we got alot more out of it than just life time friends.

   

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