when did i become the most despised of disney characters?

[butterflywizard]

for a year and a half now i have been the step mother to a beautiful nine year old girl.  her mother rarely comes around and she spent the first 7 years of her life being raised with her grandma as "mom".  her dad works on the railroad and is frequently out of town leaving she & i together with the baby (9 months).  anytime i ask her to do something i am ignored or given the evil eye or i get the smart responses.  sometimes i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle with her and i don't know that unless i let her do anything and everything she wants that this battle will continue.  i'm tired, i'm pregnant again with baby # 3 (we will have two under two come next june) and am ready to stop the constant back & forth.  i've been trying to come up with constructive ways to teach her how hurtful her behaviour can be, to no avail as of yet.  i'm looking for advice from others who have walked in my shoes.  i know 9 is going to be tough and only get tougher, but i have to get through to her, i'm not the wicked stepmother, but i'm not the spoiling grandmother either.

[GRADON33]

Do you try and make any time for just the two of you? Something fun you can do together on occasion, to maybe get to know one another again. It's like they get lost, sometimes, and it takes a special touch to bring them back. Has dad stepped in any? 

[butterflywizard]

i do try, i set aside special days for us to go on shopping trips.  i even let her have her first slumber party this year, worked my butt off for days trying to make it great for her, the baby spent the night with grandma & grandpa, but during the party she got angry because her friends were all enjoying the games and music i was playing for them.  her dad has stepped in, but i feel like that only makes it worse...... because then it's like everyone is against her or something.  i myself was adopted and knew my biological and like her she was rarely in my life.  sometimes i think she expected a stepmom to be like a fun aunt or like her real mom who would be there just to play and not to actually have to be a mom with rules and guidelines and life lessons and all.  sometimes i think i'm just being too hard on myself and need to realize that while i do a good job mothering......... it will never be appreciated by a nine year old.  i mean who, at nine, really understood why parents were the way they are......

[PhillyinFrance]

I think it's hard in any case when they hit the tween years, and for sure, she probably has some abandonment and trust issues.   I'd try to minimize the focus on her bad behaviour, pick your battles (few meaningful rules with clear consequences) and just really try to keep the atmostphere postive and upbeat.   As PP said, try making it fun for her - even it is just leting her pick a movie you'll watch, talk to her about what to make for a meal, compliement her if she makes an effort on grooming or helping with younger siblings ... you kinda have to suck up to her, but it will pay off.  More than most teens, she'll need to know you're on her side through the tough teen years!   And do keep in mind, in part, it's just the age... she isn't doing it against you, its a typical phase most tweens go through.

[DaniL67]

I was in a very similar situation to your step daughters. My step mother had two young children as well. At the time I didn't understand that anyone would actually love me and was very suspicious of her motives. She kept up with a balance of kindness and appropriate discipline (that counts for a lot too) and now that I am an adult I am closer to her than my father.

One thing that was missing from my equation was a good father figure. Your husband needs to spend time just with her, even if it's as simple as dinner together. He has to make sure to get a strong connection formed with her. It will do wonders for her self esteem and the choices she makes in years to come.

Keep in mind that she has been injured emotionally and doesn't have the same coping skills as a child who was raised in a stable family. She will make you mad to see if you are going to leave her too.

Be patient and keep doing the right thing.