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Mature Topic: Gender Preference - Long

Posted by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 3:03 PM
  • 11 Replies

Straight to the point:  My 12 year old daughter likes girls. She's had 1 girlfriend earlier this year and is currently in a relationship with a 2nd. She had a real hard time dealing with it when she started with the first one. She was confused about the whole thing. She isolated herself constantly and wouldn't talk to me about ANYTHING. She seemed angry all the time. She and began cutting.  Then I found  a list in her room of ways to commit suicide. She also wrote a list of questions. Deep questions about life and herself. examples: Why do I try to impress my friends, does anybody really love me, is there really a God, will anybody care if i die. I acted immediately and we went to counseling. She seemed to hate it at first and hated me for taking her, but in the long run it seemed to help. She stopped cutting and during the time she was in therapy (weekly meeting with a therapist) it came out that she was not just interested in girls but actually had a girlfriend. After a few months it started to become counter-productive because she would completely shut up during therapy. She wouldn't say a single word to the therapist and just shrug her shoulders to any questions she was asked. After consulting we decided that since she was talking and opening up to me more and not speaking to the therapist, and no longer posing a suicide threat that we would stop therapy. Once the secret she'd been trying to hide came out she relaxed a whole lot. It really was like a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Especially because she saw that I didn't shun her or reject her. I couldn't. This was my daughter, my first born, my little princess. I turned my whole life around for this miracle that I'd been blessed with when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was brought up in church and honestly I don't support the idea of same sex relationships. I don't protest against them or even deny friendship to friends I have that are homosexual, but I don't exactly think it's the way God intended it. Anyway, for me this completely changed the dynamic of how I should be parenting her. I thought about crazy stuff that I never expected. Surely I never expected this. Now it's like ok what about slumber parties? Gym locker rooms? Even the girls restrooms at school? She mentioned to me in the past (before all this stressed her out) that there were some girl couples at school and they made out in the girls restroom. How does the school handle that? Do they realize this could be an issue? Should I bring it up (annonomysly sp) Could they even control this?    Ok and what about hanging out with friends at the movies? I had been taking her and her friends to the movies before the big news and come to find out later that her girlfriend was one of the kids I'd been taking. I felt lied to. I told her she was too young to be dating, boy or girl or frog or car, she is just too young to be dating. That relationship fizzled out over the summer and now she's been in a new one for 2 months. She's tried her best to hide it from me but I know all about it because since the cutting I keep a close eye on her and I admit, I SNOOP. She thinks I don't know and I leave it at that. Well she just got detention for kissing in the hallway at school. She doesn't want to tell me with who because she says I get all weird. I figure it's because she thinks once I find out who it is I'm not going to let her go anywhere with that girl because it would be a date. Little does she know I already know who it is and she has asked to go to the movies with this girl and hang out at her house before. I've always been strict so my excuse has been "I don't know her and I don't know her parents and what kind of people they are so no".

My question: Do I make her tell me who her new love is or give her her privacy (to her knowledge)?

Also, is ANYONE going through or has gone through a similar situation?

Am i a bad parent? be honest.

 - alwaysunsure

by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 3:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Earth-Angel
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 3:57 PM

I don't think your a bad mother at all and  I think you should probably give her some privacy and then maybe she will trust you enough to come to you. And, I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help bc I am not going through anything like that. Maybe some other mothers would be able to help you. GL! 

Snowflake2034
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 6:46 PM

I'm afraid I can't help much. Just to say I hear you and feel for the difficulty you are going through. You sound like a very understanding mom and she is very lucky for that. My step sister is gay but she dated boys until she moved out and was an adult. I'm glad you are so openminded, that will make this easier on both of you! God Bless!!

brancoj
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 7:32 PM

First of all, No you are not a bad parent.I am sure of that! For the other questions,  I am sorry, I have no advise in this situation, I haven't lived it. I would encourage you to search the groups here on cafemom that are for parents of gay children. I am sure you could find lots of moms who have been in your situation and will have great advise. (Dont get me wrong this is a great group too :)   I can tell you are a great mom that truly loves and wants the best for your child!

 

brancoj
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 7:35 PM
Jacylrin
by on Nov. 13, 2009 at 8:31 AM

No, you're not a bad mother, just trying to deal with a situation out of your realm of experience. You may want to look for information from PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

One minor note, your subject is incorrect. Your daughter doesn't seem to be having gender preference issues. That would be if she felt she should be a boy. The topic you're discussing is sexual orientation, which is different.

Maybe *you* can talk to a couselor with experience helping parents through these situations.

alwaysunsure
by on Nov. 23, 2009 at 3:55 PM


Quoting brancoj:

I found these groups that might help:

 

Parents of Gay or Lesbian Children

 


Thanks brancoj I appreciate the help.

alwaysunsure
by on Nov. 23, 2009 at 4:02 PM

Thanks ladies for all your support. I really appreciate it.

I did realize the "gender preference" was incorrect, I was just trying to be careful with wording. But she does tend to dress and behave like a boy at time. I love my daughter and we're just taking it one day at a time. some days are good, some days not.

Thanks everyone for responding. I just needed to let it out.

Kriket2202
by on Nov. 23, 2009 at 4:46 PM

I first came out to my friends right around this age and honestly, it may or may not be a phase. But you have to be prepared for either. I finally told my mom when I was in college and instantly I regretted it. It hurt her so much. But now she asks me about my ex-girlfriend all the time like it's "normal".  It's amazing to your daughter that you didn't shun her. (whether she tells you that or not) As far as her kissing/making out/having sex goes, be it wit ha male or  female, she's going to do it when she feels ready (and she won't be ready) and unfortunately all you can do is hold her when she cries, be there for her when she gets her heart broken. She's not going to friends' houses just to hook up. She's not having sleep overs so she can make out. Please don't make her feel any more ashamed or awkward than she already does. As I mentioned before, this may very well be a phase but if you try to limit her interactions with other kids, be it romantic or platonic you will lose her.

Please remember, this just as unexplored territory for her as it is for you. And as she doesn't have as much life experience, maybe more...

wink miniKriket

Kriket2202
by on Nov. 23, 2009 at 4:48 PM

I'm so sorry that I neglected your parenting skills. I think your posting this and your willingness to learn and accept proves that you are a great and loving mother. Your daughter, I can assure you, is more grateful that you will ever know for that.

wink miniKriket

alwaysunsure
by on Nov. 23, 2009 at 8:16 PM


Quoting Kriket2202:

I first came out to my friends right around this age and honestly, it may or may not be a phase. But you have to be prepared for either. I finally told my mom when I was in college and instantly I regretted it. It hurt her so much. But now she asks me about my ex-girlfriend all the time like it's "normal".  It's amazing to your daughter that you didn't shun her. (whether she tells you that or not) As far as her kissing/making out/having sex goes, be it wit ha male or  female, she's going to do it when she feels ready (and she won't be ready) and unfortunately all you can do is hold her when she cries, be there for her when she gets her heart broken. She's not going to friends' houses just to hook up. She's not having sleep overs so she can make out. Please don't make her feel any more ashamed or awkward than she already does. As I mentioned before, this may very well be a phase but if you try to limit her interactions with other kids, be it romantic or platonic you will lose her.

Please remember, this just as unexplored territory for her as it is for you. And as she doesn't have as much life experience, maybe more...

Thank you Kriket so much for replying! I love all the support from the other women, but hearing it from the inside, someone who knows more of what she's going through then I do, is comforting in a different way.

I'm gonna send you a friend request if you don't mind and you can or not accept it. I guess I would just like to see if I could get a point of view on some things from someone who relatively knows what she's going through.

 - alwaysunsure

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