I hardly ever speak out about my life at home on here because of all the rude comments that people love to share with you. I hope that those who feel the need to be spiteful are not here or will hold their tongues.
My dd is 11 years old and I am on the point of breaking. Here in the last two months her mouth and attitude have become horrible. I can not get her to do her chores no matter what SO and I do. I have even resorted to spanking her and all it does it make her worse. Adding chores is a stupid thing because she wont do the original ones. She has become aggressive with 3 of her four younger brothers at least once in in this time and I am scared to death she will take it farther than she has or hurt her fourth brother who is just a year old. It breaks my heart to have to talk to anyone about this because I wanted to be that mom who always had the answers but I know that is never the case... This past weekend we had a deal she do the kitchen (which might have taken her an hour to do it all if she had tried) and do her room and then her friend could come over. Well I was working on homework and SO was working on my car so neither of us checked them and took her for her word when she said she had done them. We went to the store and then picked up her friend. OMG her mouth was worse with her friend here and her attitude was so bad. This past week she told me she wishes she would die or that someone else in the family would. She said it in anger but I know that can be the beginning. We have had a lot of changes and she hasn't always had it easy. But at those times she never behaved like this.. I am at a loss as to what to do. She screams at me and SO. She tells him that she hates him and he hates her. If he even asks her to pick up her backpack out of the floor she reacts this way. I have asked her on many occasions to why she hates him or why she thinks he hates them. She even tells me and him the only reason he is here is because he loves me and the baby and none of the other kids. I don't know what to do with her or how to help her. I know this last 2 months her bio father has been in and out a lot and she has had some friend issues at school. We have also been talking about moving to a different school district. I know these all play a part but it seems she is worse than what those would warrant. I stole a moment just now to post this. She is grounded to her room and to spite my SO and myself she borrowed a friends IPod as she was told all she could do was sit in there with nothing. We have taken away all privileges and are really at a loss. All ideas are welcome to throw at me but please do not bash as I really do not want nor care to hear it. This is really hard for me to talk about.. more than most will understand..
My loving , sweet, caring 10 yr old left and I have a mean ass, attitude kid now. I told him that he is not allowed to have friends over and he can't go no where until my old kid comes back to me. He is allowed to do normal things at home like game boy and Ds but he is not allowed the friends. You can try that and also maybe see if she can see a counselor. Have you sat her down and told her no matter what she says she will not be into trouble and tell her it is open time to talk to you that is stays between you two and she can say anything. I do that with my son!
Shell Big Kids CafeMom Scout!
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First and foremost. I'm glad you shared this with us. It feels so good to let it all off your chest. I would hope that no one here had anything bad to say. We all have a difference of opinions, however there is no need to be callous or rude to another Mom especially one who is reaching out for help and advice. We've all needed it at one point or another. Zgod knows I have.
Sounds to me like your daughter has a lot going on and can't deal with it. I'm not exactly sure what that a lot is. I do know that my daughter who is now 12 has had some major emotional issues when her hormones are in swing. She can go from sweet to innocent in the blink of an eye. However, it sounds to me that with your daughter there is a lot more than that going on.
Will she even talk to you? Kids at school can be cruel and cruel in the meanest of ways. Sounds to me as if she is taking her anger out on her younger siblings and that is most definitely not acceptable.
As for chores, that's still a battle here in my house as well.What I do when my daughter wont do what I ask her or she tells me in a few minutes. I literally get her up and follow her around until what I asked her to do is done. I know it's a pain but eventually it clicks and they get it done. Most of the time with the exception of cleaning her room it's not such a battle anymore.
To me there is a lot more going on here than I can give you advice for. I know kids say a lot of things out of anger but your daughter said some pretty cruel things. Have you considered counseling? It was most definitely a life saver for me and my son and there is no shame in seeking help outside. For my son and I, it was the best thing we ever did. ((((HUGS)))) You certainly need them.
Has she started her period yet? My dd started acting like this MONTHS before she got her first period. Turns out she suffers from a mild form of PMDD. No I didn't put her on BC for it. But she does now take melatonin. It's helping. We double her dose during the week before her period.
We also had to take her to counseling so that she could recognize the warning signs and remember to react appropriately.
Do you really want to call someone out? Tell them what you really think? Do you want to be able to SAY ANYTHING? Well "put on your big girl panties" is the forum for you! We don't delete. We cuss.
http://www.cafemom.com/group/104777
She hasn't started her period yet. I keep thinking with those swings it is coming but it hasn't. We did counseling last year because we were having some issues adjusting to SO being in our lives (meaning all of the kids). They were not used to a steady male who also disciplined and comforted. My ex was not the man for that job.... It helped them all. I did not go with them it was strictly their time to talk about things that were going on between them all. We stopped going because 130$ a week adds up. Now it seems dd needs it again. She refuses to go though. I have made her 2 appointments. And she threw temper fits when we tried to pick her up from school so we cancelled and sent her back to class.
Let me elaborate on a few things. I do not really speak of life with my ex. I think in my 2 years here on CM I have possibly replied to 4 or 5 posts pertaining to this. I also do not talk about it in RL. My closest friends only know bits and pieces of the life we lived with him.
When my dd was little he was very harsh with her. He would put her in her room and hold the door closed and tell her I was never coming back. I did not know this was going on. I was not home when he did things like this to her. She has told me it all and I know he did not do anything sexual to her or ever hit her. He would just pardon my language but mind f*** her. When I found out about it I stopped trusting him with her. It started when she was 4 and ended when she was 6 which is when she told me. My ex would leave us with hardly any food and go to work for weeks on end. I had 4 kids then and when he came home it was always screaming and yelling. The kids were too loud or the house was not perfect or he wasn't getting enough sex. He took it from me whether I wanted to give it or not. I left him in '06. I stayed with my mom for about 6 months until I got to a point that I found somewhere to go that I could afford with 4 kids. I have lived in this house since. SO came along December of '07. We had been talking for months and were just friends. He and I somehow clicked one day and have been together since. He has no kids outside of our 1 year old. I wont lie and say he is the easiest person to live with as he is the precise mold of his father. He wants things done when he says and how he says which isn't really as bad as it sounds. He is a very loving and patient man otherwise. He buys the kids almost everything they want and lets them go places and have people over all the time. This is of course when their behavior permits. Now to DDs bio father. He is worthless. He has seen her maybe 30 times in her life. He has not called her since December 31st. He treats her like a china doll. We were BOTH young when I had her. I had just turned 17 and he was 16. He has never really made an effort to get to know her. When he has a new girlfriend (like he did in December) he will come and get her and take her shopping with said girlfriend and make it look like he is a loving father and then drop her. I am in the process of taking his visitation from him so that this no longer happens but to be quite frank his money out talks my rationale with the judges around here. My ex husband moved us around a lot so that I could not make friends and so that I was not close to my mother. The only stability she has had started after I left my ex. Then I made it unstable again by adding SO in and then another baby. Now her friend is moving and we are going to too. I really understand that she has things going on that she doesn't know how to deal with. But to act the way she is towards her brothers to me is just unacceptable and needs to be changed. I am hoping to get her back to the counselor without such a public display but I don't think she will stop showing her rear on this anytime soon. I really am at a loss......
I want to thank you for being able to post all of this it takes REAL guts to do that!! My DD is 12 and WOW does she have mood swings one minute she is happy and the next miserable!!!! Her latest is she will YELL at me.
One of the things I find that has worked best with her is to do what I used to do when she was 5. I tell her that she cannot yell at me and expect that she will get what she wants. I of course don't always says this in the calm quite voice- I just let her know when she calms down I will talk to her and then I go on with what I need to do.Often she will continue and I will just keep doing what I need to- it is NOT easy with a 12YO yelling but eventually she just gets tired of it and walks away.
I am also famous for telling my children that " I will ALWAYS love you I may not like how you are behaving but I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" it seems corny but I just can't help myself from saying it LOL.
Are you able to get the school Counselor involved? I would think that school has seen some of the behaviors your DD has and they should be able to offer some sort of help from that side. Often times schools have resources that the parents don't.
Please feel free to contact me directly even if it just to vent I have HUGE shoulders.
You are sooo not alone! My 10 year old is acting like he has a major brain malfunction lately. I am looking into the Seasonal Affective Disorder on him tho.
I will say this, when his bio Dad was in and out of his life and he and I were struggling with visitation, the new fling of the month, lack of effort ect ect all the same as you are, Chris would be at his worst! He was unmanagable and ANGRY. It finally came to a head and the doctor threatened to put him on anti depressants and sleeping pills and I lost it. I made him sign over custody and gaurdianship to my fiance, I refused to let him see him anymore and ONLY at my sons wishes did I let him continue to call. The calls became sparadic and finally this summer he told my son that since he is 10 now he is old enough to take the responsiblity to call his father instead of his father having to remember to call him. Chris told him not to hold his breath and hung up on him and hasnt talked to him since.
We have to stand up for our babies and put whats best for them first. Screw the courts. REFUSE to let him talk to her or see her or communicate in any way. Take him to court after you have that established.
When you have to dicipline, get down to her level, put your arms around her and tell her "(SO's Name) and I love you very much and we understand that there is alot going on right now, but the way you are acting isn't fair to anyone, not even to yourself. If you need some time just to be quiet and alone, thats ok. Just let me know you are feeling frustrated and need some time alone in a polite voice and we can arrange that. Being violent and rude and disrepectful won't be tolerated period. Right now I think you need to take some quiet time to think about things and you can come back and talk to me and *s/o* when you are ready. Until then please go to your room. You may read or listen to music quietly" My son calls this quiet time. His "rebooting" time, he says he needs to reboot his brain LOL!
Sometimes just knowing that you understand where she is coming from will help, and trust me... screaming, threatening, grounding and even spanking don't help.
Good luck with her and feel free to drop me a line anytime if you need support
I wished I can help! My 11 y/o son is making my life miserable. I just got a call from his principal 2day and she wants to talk to me about his behavior at school and they are getting tired of it that they are on the verge of suspending him. We took all priviledges away and he screams at us, backtalks, lowered his grades, throws fits, cry, pout. Just very rude and disrespectful and won't listen. So, I know what you are going through and I feel ya. Just gl and hope u get some good advice.
Blessings!
Wow. Sounds rough. :0( I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through such a rough time. :0(
I'm no authority, but I feel like I know a pretty good deal about this age group. Not only am I the mother of a tween, but I also work w/them (fifth-graders) They're an odd mix right now -- part child, part teenager. They want to be more independent so they fight and rebel, but they're also kind of scared to try more on their own and even though they deny it, still need adult support and guidance. Sometimes they get mean because they want more independence and think that they have to fight for it, kind of like a dog fights for a bone. They don't realize that they have to earn the right to be more independent by showing you that they can handle it. Sometimes they get mean because they're frustrated. They think, I'm almost a teenager now, so they need to stop treating me like a baby and telling me what to do all the time. I can make my own choices. Believe it or not, sometimes, w/some kids, instilling punishments fuels their will and makes them act out even more, just to see how far they can push you or show you that they don't care what you do (although really they do. :0) ) Like I said, it's a rough age.
I'd try two things: 1) pick up a copy of "How to Listen so Kids Will Talk and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen; then 2) use the strategies in the book to talk to your kiddo. I absolutely love this book. It's saved me not only at home, but also at work. The strategies it proposes are fairly simple and, very often, they work. Like I said, it's become one of the most valuable tools in my box. I still look at it from time to time, especially when I'm having a tough time w/a kid at home or at school.
Hang in there! And know that we've got your back here. :0)
I have been through this kind of stuff with my 13 year old and we have a 10 year old foster child with ALOT of anger issues. She has total meltdowns. Taking away priveledges helps.
I suggest regular conselling for her and on occasion you and your SO too. Your DD will likely resist but it is best. You guys need some help.
Also it is hard but try to take some time for yourself on occassion as well as fun family activities. Less TV and video games.
Just some advice- good luck!!
hELLO, I'm new here......
My 12 yr old daughter is driving me crazy also... in fact.... I wanted to bawl all day yesterday.... she looks at me like she hates me.....she told me I expected to much from her...... she doesn't think she should have to help around the house..... she questions why she should have to keep her bedroom clean... when we don't keep ours clean....and now I find she is cutting her self........
I read your post... and I was like..........YES someone else besides me..... I'm not making light of your situation..... but now I don't feel so alone.....I'm hoping I can find some kindred spirits on this particular site.......
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Am I to old fashioned?
- SuthrnPrincess
on Feb. 9, 2010 at 5:40 PM