Hi Everyone
I'm not sure where to post this, but i figured i try here
I have a beautiful soon to be 10 year old daughter. She sees her deadbeat dad every other weekend, as he picks her up and drops her off. He'll pick her up early saturday mornings and bring her back early sunday mornings. I wish he would spend more time with her, like pick her up friday evening and drop her off sunday late afternoon or so. This was my only child and we pretty much spoiled her.
I am currently married, and me and my husband have a child. He's 7 months now. My husband and my daughter have a great relationship. Ever since our son was born i feel like my son has pushed my daughter away. All of a sudden she wants to call her dad every night where as before she never would. She all of a sudden wanted to see him more where as before, she wouldn't care. She has gotten very emotional, and last night she told me she wants to live with her dad.
My husband is great to her. My daughter does not like the fact that my husband has given her chores and responsibilities to do around the house such as cleaning her room, whereas before she never had chores or responsibilities. She told me last night that she hates cleaning,and that her dad doesn't give her chores. As long as she currently lives with us, she will have responsbilities. When she goes to her dads, it's like a vacation. 1 day and they just go out and do things.
I don't know if i should let her live with her dad? She is a type 1 diabetic, and i take care of her way more than he does. When she's with her dad, her numbers are off the carts. He smokes around her. He has horrible health. It's like, he can do no wrong, and i'm the devil. When christmas comes around, i'll buy her expensive gifts, and he'll buy her a $1 toy, and she'll play with that instead. I take care of my daughter 10x more than he ever could but she doesnt see that
Her father has mentioned before to have his daughter live with him instead. He got a new aparment, got her her own bedroom, as she does with us. I feel like he's trying to lure her in, giving her sob stories. I feel that she is disappointed that my son is not from her dad,and she doesnt care for her little brother as much. She sounds like she'll give up her little brother for her dad.
None of this daddy stuff happened until my son was born. I tried to explain to her that her little brother is the #1 priority now, because he is a baby, and that they have to share mommies time, but she doesn't understand why. Is it she just needs her dads attention?
thoughts?
Honestly I think it is quite normal it may not even be the baby. The grass is always greener. Kids rarely have the same rules with parents they hardly see and it is all fun and games. As they grow up they want that more then the rules. Just keep reasuring her you love her maybe have a special girl day without the baby.
I have no experience with your circumstance, but my initial thought is your daughter is now trying to figure out where she fits in with your family--with the addition of your new son.
I initially have a few other thoughts about this.
Maybe schedule some mom and daughter time once a week or every other week, so that she still feels included as part of the family and wanted.
Maybe have a family meeting where all three of you (you, your husband, and her) can discuss their feeling about the changed dynamics of your family, and also can discuss household duties too.
Final thought is she is using the lack of chores at her father's house to possibly manipulate the situation at your house. I would have several open and frank discussions about manipulations and how it will not be tolerated.
Your daughter misses the un divided attention and could feel a threat from the new baby that is very real.
Buying her more expensive toys does not make you the better parent by no means. Her father is giving her something that you can not right now, all his attention.
You could try a mother n daughter day once or twice a month when you have someone watch baby so your dd can have all your attention for her.
As for the chores that is just a part of life, you could ask her dad to incorporate some of them at his house to start teaching her responsibility.
Your dd is struggling with alot of things right now, trying to find her place in a new and bigger family, torn between her dad and you not to mention all the emotional and hormonal stuff going on at this age.
Good luck hang in there
My dd was 12 when she went to live with her dad. She was there for just over a year and she is now back with me. I also have two younger kids from my current dh.
I know the baby has to get lots of attention but it's extremely important to make time for your dd right now. I have a 17 month old and a 3 month old and I make time for my 13 year old dd as well. We have girls day out as much as we can and we go have lunch at her favorite place. She understands I have to take the youngest baby for now, but she still has a blast. :)
first, you should never tell a child that another child is number 1 priority over them......you said you are married...then take some time for her.......on top of this new thing you added chores when she didn't have them before.....i agree that children should have chores but to place them during a change in their is not a good time....they will believe it is bc of the new person..........as for the dad thing, talk to both and say i will give you a trial period.....( which he has to spend more time with her, maybe a couple a days a week, where he must be responsible to get her school) it gives her a chance to learn more about life at dad's...you will surprise how quick both will change their minds....about that move.......also discuss with dad that you are trying to teach dd to be able to take care of things since she is growing and ask that he have the same chores or at least a couple that he wants done. they may stink you out for six months but most will not.
I don't have much experience either, however, I'm wondering if you could give dad another night. If she really wants to live with him increase his visitation. Maybe have him pick up from school Friday and bring her home Sunday evening. See how that goes, then talk moving. Really she is probably just ticked because she is not getting her way. My stepson used to think living with us would be so much better than living with his mom. Then he figured out we have rules too, he decided to stay with his mom afterall.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I think most kids make the "I wanna live with someone else" claim at some point. I begged my parents to let me live with my aunt. My kids have told me they want to live with their grandparents. I think you should just assure your daughter that your home is not complete without her. Maybe she needs extra reassurance. Don't let her live with her dad. She is to young to make that decision.
Back at it TUESDAY
- smith805
on Feb. 14, 2012 at 11:31 AM