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Tween Titans Tween Titans

WWYD?

Posted by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 12:08 PM
  • 21 Replies

 My oldest children are almost 13 and 14yrs old. I let them go with their grandparents out of state for two weeks to visit family. Their dad and I divorced in 2004.

My kids have been calling and emailing telling me so many negative things that are being said. I haven't heard any positives, not how much they enjoy seeing family, the fun they are having, etc...just negativity about me being told to them, over and over.

I never, EVER speak badly about their dad or his side of the family. There are hundreds of things I could say to my kids, and never in all these years have I. They are just kids and I don't think they deserve to hear grown up issues, things about the past, etc. Especially when so many of these things they are being told couldn't be further from the truth!

So my question is, would you confront the grandparents and if so, how would you go about it? I can't stand confrontation as I am a very shy person.

Also, how would you handle the lies that your children were told, without explaining everything in detail? I feel like if I tell them they were lied to, I'd in turn have to tell them the truth about some things from the past that will break their hearts. I'll feel like I'm doing exactly what the grandparents are doing.

Opinions?

 

by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 12:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
psych_mom
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 12:28 PM

Honestly, I have learned that if you just let it be that the kids will eventually find out the truth. My kids have been told lies and are younger than your older ones and have been finding out the truth on their own already. I would let them make the choice next year if they want to go visit their grandparents or not and then if they do want to go I would let the grandparents know that this type of behavior is unacceptable. That you don't have to let your kids go stay with them and if they are going to continue this that you will not let them come back. I think that your kids are so miserable because they have an idea that what their grandparents are saying is a lie and they are probably bragging up their life with you and the grandparents are jealous and want to make you look bad.

styler7
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 1:24 PM
It's so hard. I have one child who basically worships those people and believes every single word that comes out of their mouths, and another child who never believes them and is begging to come home. I wish I never let them go...it's killing me.

Quoting psych_mom:

Honestly, I have learned that if you just let it be that the kids will eventually find out the truth. My kids have been told lies and are younger than your older ones and have been finding out the truth on their own already. I would let them make the choice next year if they want to go visit their grandparents or not and then if they do want to go I would let the grandparents know that this type of behavior is unacceptable. That you don't have to let your kids go stay with them and if they are going to continue this that you will not let them come back. I think that your kids are so miserable because they have an idea that what their grandparents are saying is a lie and they are probably bragging up their life with you and the grandparents are jealous and want to make you look bad.

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psych_mom
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 1:31 PM

Well, in that case it may be time to put it all out there. If they get mad about it, oh well. They shouldn't have started this in the first place by saying things about you that aren't true. I always try my best not to tell my kids anything about their dad, but they have caught on over the years. Just the other day I got really upset and my 9 year old thought that it was funny that I was actually yelling (not really yelling yelling, just raised my voice a little louder than usual) and said "but I thought that it was dad's place to always yell at you, not the other way around". I am like you, I believe in keeping the problems and issues away from the kids but when the other parent or grandparents do something that is beyond your control sometimes you have to address it even if it means that the child or children have to be a part of it.

Quoting styler7:

It's so hard. I have one child who basically worships those people and believes every single word that comes out of their mouths, and another child who never believes them and is begging to come home. I wish I never let them go...it's killing me.

Quoting psych_mom:

Honestly, I have learned that if you just let it be that the kids will eventually find out the truth. My kids have been told lies and are younger than your older ones and have been finding out the truth on their own already. I would let them make the choice next year if they want to go visit their grandparents or not and then if they do want to go I would let the grandparents know that this type of behavior is unacceptable. That you don't have to let your kids go stay with them and if they are going to continue this that you will not let them come back. I think that your kids are so miserable because they have an idea that what their grandparents are saying is a lie and they are probably bragging up their life with you and the grandparents are jealous and want to make you look bad.


M4LG5
by Valeri on Jul. 1, 2012 at 2:17 PM
2 moms liked this
Teach your kids to stand up for you and themselves. Tell them to say "I don't like when you talk so negative about my mom or anyone else in my family. I really want to be here when its fun bit when you guys are talking like that, it hurts my feelings and its not fun"
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psych_mom
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 3:06 PM
1 mom liked this
Sometimes this can make life miserable for the kids. It is good advice as long as the grandparents aren't going to make life horrible for the kids.


Quoting M4LG5:

Teach your kids to stand up for you and themselves. Tell them to say "I don't like when you talk so negative about my mom or anyone else in my family. I really want to be here when its fun bit when you guys are talking like that, it hurts my feelings and its not fun"

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jhg374
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 7:01 PM

First off may I just say kudos to you for choosing to not speak negatively of your husband or his family!

As far as confronting the grandparents, if that relationship is something that you are comfortable with continueing at this point (between your kiddos and the grandparents) then I would sit down with them and just express your heart in how you do not appreciate the negativity that was being said and discussed around your kids.

How you have tried very hard to make sure that you are not speaking negatively about them or their son (if I am understanding that correctly). And you would appreciate them conducting themselves in the same manner if they so choose to have a continued relationship with their grandchildren.   Explaining that if they are unable to conduct themselves as responsable adults who are able to keep their personal greivences about you to themselves and not laying it out on your kids then the Grandparent privilages (it's a privilage) do not have to continue.

And as far as the lies that are told to your kids, it's o.k. to explain things by letting them know that the grandparents are responding out of fear and hurt hearts! The reality of it is that they want to protect their son just as much as you want to protect your kids and when things go sour and all hearts involved are hurt and saddened, people can respond to those situations out of anger instead of grace.

So letting your kiddos know that the divorce between you and your ex hurt their hearts as well and they are just responding out of hurt. (This doesn't require you to go into ANY detail and it's not putting them in a bad light, it's just stating the truth in a loving way that allows your kids to be able to not get angry with how they talked about you, rather to see that their grandparents are responding out of sadness... it enables your kids to function in a place of grace toward them... not accepting what they said as truth, but not taking up offences.)

 

M4LG5
by Valeri on Jul. 1, 2012 at 8:11 PM
True....but hopefully everytime they say something negative from now on.....it will make them think about how the kids may feel about it.

Quoting psych_mom:

Sometimes this can make life miserable for the kids. It is good advice as long as the grandparents aren't going to make life horrible for the kids.




Quoting M4LG5:

Teach your kids to stand up for you and themselves. Tell them to say "I don't like when you talk so negative about my mom or anyone else in my family. I really want to be here when its fun bit when you guys are talking like that, it hurts my feelings and its not fun"

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psych_mom
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 8:15 PM
1 mom liked this

Most likely not- speaking from experience. When people are willing to talk about others this way, especially when they are trying to make one parent look bad and the other look good, they don't care about what it is doing to the kids, just about how it makes them feel to say it. In divorce, often the kids feelings are completely overlooked while the person that is shooting off at the mouth never thinks about the damage that they are doing. My parents were this way and my ex and his wife are this way.

Quoting M4LG5:

True....but hopefully everytime they say something negative from now on.....it will make them think about how the kids may feel about it.

Quoting psych_mom:

Sometimes this can make life miserable for the kids. It is good advice as long as the grandparents aren't going to make life horrible for the kids.




Quoting M4LG5:

Teach your kids to stand up for you and themselves. Tell them to say "I don't like when you talk so negative about my mom or anyone else in my family. I really want to be here when its fun bit when you guys are talking like that, it hurts my feelings and its not fun"


Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:56 AM

Is it possible that they're venting to you because they feel safe in talking to you about it? Maybe it isn't as bad as what you're hearing from your kids?

lilpep100
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 12:32 PM
It could make it bad for the kids, but I think the kids are old enough to say, if you don't stop the negativity, we choose not to see you anymore. Considering the age of the kids, this is exactly my thoughts. The kids are old enough to choose if they don't want someone in their lives. They need to rise above and be happy!

If you don't want to discuss it with the inlaws, you can send me their email or phone number... I can really open up a can when needed. Insert evil laugh.


Quoting psych_mom:

Sometimes this can make life miserable for the kids. It is good advice as long as the grandparents aren't going to make life horrible for the kids.




Quoting M4LG5:

Teach your kids to stand up for you and themselves. Tell them to say "I don't like when you talk so negative about my mom or anyone else in my family. I really want to be here when its fun bit when you guys are talking like that, it hurts my feelings and its not fun"


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