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Tween Titans Tween Titans

What to do with an 11-yr-old girl who wants to make accusations (repeating what her father has said about me) and not hear my responses?

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 11:57 AM
  • 11 Replies

Being a very logical person who openly discusses conflicts with the aim of resolution, I am now having a very hard time with my 11-yr-old daughter. I work from home and work 3 jobs now. I was laid off from a high-paying job 4 yrs ago and even my 3 jobs don't equal my old salary right now. She confronted me about spending more time with her so I explained to her that I just don't make the money I used to and that I do have to work more to earn money now. For the first time I actually went through some of the numbers trying to explain mathematically how even my 3 jobs don't equal the salary I used to earn. Then she says "You're just on Facebook ALL DAY LONG!" When I explain that yes, I do stop at Facebook during the day but I work for about 30 minutes then take a 2-3 minute break (whether its Facebook or the bathroom, whatever) then I go back to working, she just says "No you don't! I SEE you on there for 10 minutes at a time!" So I explain to her that the files I work on do an automatic "save" each time the data is updated (each "Save" shows the date and time). I tell her we can go look at the times and that she can see that no more than a few minutes passes between each update so she can see I'm NOT away for 10 minute intervals (unless its lunch time perhaps). I asked her "Would you like to see it for yourself?" She says "NO! Daddy and I *know* you do it! So its TWO against ONE!" (Her father and I have been split up for over 2 years and she spends every other weekend with him so clearly they discuss this amongst themselves). I said "Well, we can go look at the files i work on and then you'll see for yourself that it just simply isn't true." To which she replies "YES IT IS!"

So obviously, although I am trying to resolve her concerns using logic and proof, all she wants to do is believe what she has been told even though it is NOT the truth. I find this scenario coming up more and more especially as she gets older). Its no use speaking with her father about it because he has no "filter" when it comes to the topics he discusses with her meaning he thinks ALL topics are fine for a parent to speak to thier child about (for example, one day he thought it was important to let our then-8-yr-old know that her biological mother - his ex - used to have lots of boyfriends while they were married and how he once went to jail for writing a bad check. While I was appalled at his divulgence of this information to our daughter at such a young age he just said "What, its the truth! You want me to lie to her?" So he doesn't understand the concept of "Age appropriate" conversation.)

PLUS, one of the last things my daughter blurted out was "DADDY IS PERFECT!" This is the same man who has Child Protective Services called on him when she was 7-yr-old because he forced her to sit on a bucket (fully clothed) and then drink water until she peed in her pants! (I was out of the house working at the time and didn't know it has happened until I went to a school event a few days later and was confronted by the CPS worker  who only THEN told me the story of what had happened)! The same man who verbally abuses her and who pulls her pants down to spank the crap out of her (when he feels she's been blatently out of line - I personally do not spank at all. I just can't bring myself to do it). But "DADDYS PERFECT" right?!!?

Argh, its SO frustrating. Thanks all for letting me vent. Now, any suggestions on how to approach my daughter when she becomes defiant and just wants to believe what she wants to believe even though I can prove her belief is inaccurate?

THANKS all.

by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 11:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
wildflower1980
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 12:02 PM
1 mom liked this
Mama, I wish I knew the answer. We are having similar issues with my skids BM. She is currently only allowed a couple hours a week with each child due to substantiated CPS findings. She tells the kids their father is keeping them from her and that everything is his fault. She lost her job and she is having to move all because their "dad is a bully" that is mean to her all the time. It frustrates me to no end. They think she's AMAZING because she takes them out to eat and shopping and all the fun stuff. And Dh and I are mean because we have rules like eaying vegetables and brushing your teeth everyday and the most dreaded... bedtime!(gasp)

Not much advice, just a "you're not alone" and a hug of empathy.

Sorry about the earlier reply. My preggo belly hit the reply button before I was finished typing. :)
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psych_mom
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 12:09 PM
2 moms liked this

There is honestly nothing that you can do but wait until she figures it out for herself. She misses her dad and is going to hang onto everything that he says and does while she is with him, but I would advise you to try to find a little more time to spend with her. I know that it is hard, but that is what she is wanting and it will really help her. Hugs to you because I know this situation is difficult all the way around.

Barabell
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 12:22 PM


Quoting psych_mom:

There is honestly nothing that you can do but wait until she figures it out for herself. She misses her dad and is going to hang onto everything that he says and does while she is with him, but I would advise you to try to find a little more time to spend with her. I know that it is hard, but that is what she is wanting and it will really help her. Hugs to you because I know this situation is difficult all the way around.

I agree, and I couldn't have said it better.

Hugs.

LuuvinLife
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 1:51 PM

Thanks for your input so far. I was going to write in my original post "Perhaps I'll just have to wait it out: Grin and bear it until she's old enough to see each of us for who we really are." I just hope that day comes sooner than later! It sure makes the day-to-day very stressful when your ex constantly bad mouthes you to your only child... :(

fineyouguyswin
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 4:44 PM

Unfortunately I agree to :O( sorry mama

Quoting psych_mom:

There is honestly nothing that you can do but wait until she figures it out for herself. She misses her dad and is going to hang onto everything that he says and does while she is with him, but I would advise you to try to find a little more time to spend with her. I know that it is hard, but that is what she is wanting and it will really help her. Hugs to you because I know this situation is difficult all the way around.


psych_mom
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 4:46 PM

Hopefully it won't take until she is grown. Hate that you are dealing with this. I am divorced as well (remarried though) so I know that it can be hard.

Quoting LuuvinLife:

Thanks for your input so far. I was going to write in my original post "Perhaps I'll just have to wait it out: Grin and bear it until she's old enough to see each of us for who we really are." I just hope that day comes sooner than later! It sure makes the day-to-day very stressful when your ex constantly bad mouthes you to your only child... :(


scubamommy2001
by New Member on Jul. 16, 2012 at 4:56 PM
I don't know if you have a custody order or not, but I had it added to my custody order that that type of talk is not allowed. There is no talking about the other parent if it is negative against them. If it happens there are consequences such as lost visitation all the way to contempt of court charges.
LuuvinLife
by on Jul. 17, 2012 at 12:04 AM

There is no custody order nor does he pay me any type of child support. We just verbally agreed on the visitation. I did consider asking him not to talk about me without me being present (ie: no talk behind my back) but the problem is that he can't distinguish fact from opinion. So according to him "I'm just telling her the facts" and he doesn't acknowledge that he IS speaking about me. So all my daughter is doing is repeating *his* opinions on things (often verbatim. Its scary). The other problem is that she isn't truthful with me about what they discuss. She'd NEVER go "against" him and tell me that he said something about me. I overheard her on the phone one night say to him "NO! I didn't tell her about THAT, Daddy!" which was quite unnverving. I've heard him (while yelling at her) say to her "And if you tell ANYONE that I said (fill in the blank) I'll just tell them that you are a liar! WHO do you think they're gonna believe?!!? The adult or YOU? So keep your mouth SHUT!"

Effin' scary, isn't it? And she IDOLIZES him. No matter how he cuts her down verbally or makes her pull down her own pants for a severe spanking (even though she's only 11, she's almost 5'4" and she's 112 lbs!) she just IDOLIZES him. Its so scary to witness their sick relationship. Consequently, she doesn't respect my authority and mouths off to me (saying things she NEVER say to him) because she fears him (the spanker) and she doesn't fear me (the NON-spanker).

But thanks again to everyone for all your input. 

laparla
by on Jul. 17, 2012 at 4:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Call her bluff; ask her if she wants to live with her dad; tell her you'll help her pack.  Perhaps a dose of reality will kick in.

joyceg09
by on Jul. 17, 2012 at 6:59 PM
1 mom liked this

 Why is daddy asking her to keep secrets?  that's scary.  It sounds your just making ends meat and time is short but you should find ways to spend more time with her talking about her.  Maybe you can get her to open up to you.  Or counseling for you and her or just her.  Hang in there.

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