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Tween Titans Tween Titans

Please help....My 9 year old is out of control with her mouth!

Posted by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 2:01 PM
  • 15 Replies

So my 9 year old DD thinks that everything I say to her is in question form. I will tell her to clean her room and she has some remark to make in response. The constant eye rolling, sucking air through her teeth, talking back and terrible attitude is getting to be too much.

I have tried everything with her. I don't spank because her father and I are going through a custody battle and I don't need any more crap from him. Also, at 9 years old is spanking really effective?? I have taken things away and she doesn't care. I have started having her write statements 100 times per incident. The other night she had to write I will not disrespect my mom and I will not talk back to my mom 100 times. After she is always remorseful and apologizes but it's like the next day we are with the same thing. And the looks...she looks at me like I am some type of moron! I really just want to slap her.

I understand that she is changing and going through things and I keep an open dialogue with her as much as she allows. I understand that she is going through that stage of wanting to grow up but still be a little kid, but something has got to give. I am tired of fighting with her every day about the same thing. I also have a 6 year old DD who is picking this stuff up. I am at my whit's end!

Any advice would be so appreciated. Any other ideas for discipline?! Talking to her father is not an option. We are not on speaking terms. Any time I have tried to tell him his response to me is, "well you wanted this divorce so you deal with it."

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 2:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mamarj
by Member on Oct. 5, 2012 at 2:44 PM
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When my dd went thru this someone told me to ignore it but I have a hard time letting something go that disrespects me. I would try pointing it out when she does it and have her rewind and do it the right way. There were even times I would just say "rewind" and she knew exactly what statement she had to redo. Sometimes she wouldn't even notice that she did it. I've also punished her for saying "whatever!" By making her do 10 jumping jacks every time she said it. Even in stores! Sometimes you have to combat tween attitudes with a little bit of creativity ;)
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bookworm14
by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 3:42 PM
1 mom liked this
I completely understand. My 11yr old stepson is the same way. He's so disrepectful to me, and I see him starting to get more of an attitude even with his dad. Its ridiculous. Last night, he let out this huge fart, dad said to him "say sorry or you're going to bed." So the boy just says, "I'm sorry.. For nothing!" Yeah, got him sent straight to bed, after he fought with "no, I'm sorry!". Its so frustrating to constantly be dealing with this little mouth!!

I feel like I'm in the same boat with you, I don't know what works. Cuz his 7yr old sister is starting with the arguing when told to do something to do also.

Forgive me if this gets long here! My sister just gave me a good suggestion to help me deal with him. If you can go a week with no incidences, you'll get a prize at the end of the week. What worked for her with my nephew was buying him a new monster truck toy when things went well. It doesn't have to be anything huge, maybe its a lunch out to eat when you normally wouldn't or a friend over. The idea with having purchased something, you have it in hand. She suggested that when he starts to get an attitude, point it out. Say "correct this behavior or you won't get this." In my situation, I'm not the birth mom but the kid & I have a rocky relationship. So this may be a small thing to get him to want to listen to me. Basically, she advised me to find ways to reward the good behavior, not to always be disciplining. Good luck, I hope someone can find a good way to deal with these mouths!!!
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M4LG5
by Valeri on Oct. 5, 2012 at 4:19 PM
I count...if she doesn't stop before I stop counting, she is sent to her room.and loses privileges. If she comes back and does it again, I start where I left off.
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onlyme28
by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 4:24 PM
Both my 9 and 11 yr old dd are this way
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kerryanneo
by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 8:26 PM
1 mom liked this

I give 3 strikes and then she does a job.  And I am STRICT with it.  Three warnings is plenty of time to get their act together (all girls 10. 8. & 6).  If they are being, say, disrespectful, I will say, "strike one, how can you say that in a more respectful way?"  If they don't do it, they get a strike two, and then I tell them clearly how I expect them to answer and if they get a strike three, they have to do the job that i give them.  If after strike three, they continue to act disrespectfully then I go in their room and take something away  or take away a privledge.  I never yell or get mad but I tell them why it is important that they be respectful and why I am doing what I am doing.  And like, I said, I always follow through (except when I look back on it and realize that maybe I overreacted or was in the wrong-this is rare mind you, lol) but then I say sorry and we discuss the punishment.

amy0306
by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:49 PM
Yea I've done that. Taken everything away to where its a sheet on her bed and she can only stare at the ceiling. Didn't work. That's how I started with the writing.


Quoting M4LG5:

I count...if she doesn't stop before I stop counting, she is sent to her room.and loses privileges. If she comes back and does it again, I start where I left off.

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amy0306
by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm going to try this!! Thank you!


Quoting kerryanneo:

I give 3 strikes and then she does a job.  And I am STRICT with it.  Three warnings is plenty of time to get their act together (all girls 10. 8. & 6).  If they are being, say, disrespectful, I will say, "strike one, how can you say that in a more respectful way?"  If they don't do it, they get a strike two, and then I tell them clearly how I expect them to answer and if they get a strike three, they have to do the job that i give them.  If after strike three, they continue to act disrespectfully then I go in their room and take something away  or take away a privledge.  I never yell or get mad but I tell them why it is important that they be respectful and why I am doing what I am doing.  And like, I said, I always follow through (except when I look back on it and realize that maybe I overreacted or was in the wrong-this is rare mind you, lol) but then I say sorry and we discuss the punishment.


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Quantumnerd
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:03 AM
3 moms liked this

 I don't know why kids these days think they are so privileged.  I would never of thought about disrespecting my parents.  But we were very disiplined.  But not in a fearful way.  I think going through this custody battle is making her a little more off emotionally then she would normally be.  I think sitting down when your not in a battle and telling her that no if's and's or but's she will not disrespect you...ever.  Tell her why it's not permitted, that she has to learn how to act as an adult, that your preparing her to be the best adult she can be, and how to handle situations that she will have to encounter.  Explain to her that if she acts that way when she has a job she would be fired. And you don't want to see that happen to her, that you want to see her successful.  Also sitting her down and using yourself as examples helps a person to hear things easier, for example,   "one time I said that to Grandma and she was so hurt that she cried for an hour in her bedroom...etc"    anyway, I think selfishness is a big part, I would get her out and involved in the community, taking her to volunteer at a soup kitchen, habitats for humanity, nothing takes a person out of themselves more then volunteering and helping someone.  And her self esteem will grow enormously.  And the time spent together helping people will help her "earn" respect for you.  She will see what a giving, loving person you are by helping people and wanting to help people.  She will really respect that.

wenchmommy381
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:14 PM
2 moms liked this

At a neutral time, ask her what she thinks is supposed to happen in a home with two people in it. Does sharing in tasks make sense to her? Is something bugging her that she hasn't spoken about? (And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say yes because the two people who made her can't stand to talk to each other, and I can't imagine how much that would piss me off...)

Clearly your ex doesn't respect you as a parent, since he won't discuss your child with you. You really should be making the effort to fix that-- your relationship as parents didn't end with the divorce. 

psych_mom
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 5:47 PM
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I think that part of what is going on is her age but a bigger part is the divorce. I think the ladies here have given you some good suggestions but honestly in a case with divorce, especially at this age, it is trial and error and a little give and take. There may be a time where she is going off and you are both having a rotten day and instead of a punishment you need to grab her and hug her. Her whole world has been torn apart at the worst possible time and she doesn't know how to make sense of it. I was almost 9 when my parents got a divorce and I know from experience how she feels. Let her know that you understand what she is going through and that you are sorry that she is having to deal with it. Let her know that you are there for her to talk to you and that you will listen and that it is okay for her to be angry with you and her dad and that you are not upset at her for being angry, but also let her know that she has to express her anger in respectful ways. She cannot treat you bad and that you will not treat her bad- Try to not yell and things like that because she is very sensitive right now and everything seems 100 times worse than it is because of the divorce, but don't let her walk all over you.

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