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Tween Titans Tween Titans

is this a battle to choose?

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It's chilly in the morning but not freezing. It's actually a nice change from the hot weather. Anyway, my husband is adamant that the girls not only have a sweater but zip it up. I know my oldest well enough that its uncomfortable to her to zip it up unless its really cold. Yesterday he didn't let her in the car until she zipped it up and of course she is crying because she doesn't want to so now she is taking longer because she has tears in her eyes and can't see well. Then he is telling to "hurry up".

I'm irritated that he is forcing her to do this. I tell him that I trust her judgment and he starts on this "you are not always right" thing. To me, its just not a battle to choose. She is old enough to make a decision and I allow her to.

What do you think?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:42 AM
Replies (21-30):
M4LG5
by Valeri on Oct. 11, 2012 at 11:05 AM

He is a junior high teacher.  I don't really know how he works with the kids but from what I can tell, he is trying to have them be responsible for himself.  Now, he does compartmentalize his life.....there is work, there is home, there is kids, there is wife.  KWIM?  I don't get the sense that he was brought up this way but I do think its a power trip with my oldest daughter specifically.  They can be like water and oil sometimes....not all the time....sometimes. 

Quoting psych_mom:

She is definitely going to rebel and he needs to realize it soon. She's getting to the age where it starts. The stuff he is being controling over is petty stuff. When she really needs him she isn't going to go to him or listen because of this. She is going to end up doing the opposite of everything he says because of him wanting to control all the small things. Does his job have him micromanaging stuff? Were his parents that way with him? He has to stop now or it is going to bite him in the butt big time.

Quoting M4LG5:

He has done this to her over and over. He made a BIG DEAL when she wanted to cut her hair to have bangs. I asked him to let her make the choice and he kept saying....even to the last minute....."don't cut it". She did and it looks adorable. I'm fearful that if he continues to not allow her to make these small decisions for herself, she will rebel against him.

Quoting psych_mom:

Personally it isn't a battle I would fight over. I would talk to her and just let her know that it's something that makes her dad happy and he worries that she is going to get cold.



To me, it sounds like he is taking the control a little too far with this but it could end up blowing up into a huge battle.



M4LG5
by Valeri on Oct. 11, 2012 at 11:07 AM

That's the thing......all the girls are STILL wearing shorts and, yet, he had a problem with a sweater that wasn't zipped???

I tried to bring that to his attention last night and, well, let's just say he wasn't in the mood to hear it because he still says that I'm wrong.

Quoting kmrtigger:

My middle son decided it was warm enough to wear shorts this morning. I wasn't gonna argue with him. He's like his dad and gets overheated and sweats. If he gets cold, he will have to deal with it.

And I agree, this isn't a battle to fight.


M4LG5
by Valeri on Oct. 11, 2012 at 11:07 AM

With my husband or I should continue to insist to my husband it isn't a battle with our daughter?

Quoting diaperstodating:

No, I don't think you should make this a battle.


M4LG5
by Valeri on Oct. 11, 2012 at 11:13 AM

As soon as he got home last night, I tried talking to him about it.  Of course, he still says that I'm wrong.  I was talking to him about the fact that we need to pick our battles and let them make these small decisions so they feel like they have some control.  At least if they feel that we trust them to make these small decisions that they will come to us when it's a bigger decision to make. 

He was very argumentive last night and said, "WHERE do you get this?  WHERE do you get ALL this information?  And HOW in your life did you experience this?"  Now, these would be good questions if we were having a conversation about it but he said it very harshly and very accusingly.

So, of course I answered (and I even sent him a link that backs up everything i said) and told him that all through school, my parents allowed me to make decisions for myself so I knew they trusted me.  I didn't have a curfew in high school and, really, I didn't need one.  I didn't drink, I was very responsible and always came home at a reasonable time.  I was happy to see them give me this responsibility and so I didn't abuse it.  Of course, he just rolled his eyes and told me that "I didn't know everything!" yeah....let's see how his methods work when they become teenagers.

Quoting GotSomeKids:

I don't know.  That is tough.  On the one hand it seems as if it is something silly to argue over, but on the other hand, she has to learn how to make her own decisions.  I once read in a book that actually use the whole "coat" thing as an example.  The author was adimant that children can make these sort of small decisions on their own.  Even if they say they aren't cold and then they end up being cold, you make it a teachable moment instead of demanding she take it everywhere.

Would the hubby be agreeable to sitting down to a family meeting and talk about the issue?  Not just between you and him, but between you, him and your daughter.


GotSomeKids
by Member on Oct. 11, 2012 at 6:12 PM

If you don't mind me suggesting.  The next time this occurs present it to him this way.  Tell him, he's not telling you that you are wrong, he is telling his daughter she is wrong by not trusting her decisions.  It's not about right and wrong, it is about effective parenting.  That is what is more important.

I know it isn't easy, I use to be very aggressive and things have to be this way kind of person.  When the kids went through their terrible "threes" I had to step back and make a change.  I had to let go of a lot of my pre-conceived notions about parenting.

Good luck and big hugs!!!!!

Quoting M4LG5:

As soon as he got home last night, I tried talking to him about it.  Of course, he still says that I'm wrong.  I was talking to him about the fact that we need to pick our battles and let them make these small decisions so they feel like they have some control.  At least if they feel that we trust them to make these small decisions that they will come to us when it's a bigger decision to make. 

He was very argumentive last night and said, "WHERE do you get this?  WHERE do you get ALL this information?  And HOW in your life did you experience this?"  Now, these would be good questions if we were having a conversation about it but he said it very harshly and very accusingly.

So, of course I answered (and I even sent him a link that backs up everything i said) and told him that all through school, my parents allowed me to make decisions for myself so I knew they trusted me.  I didn't have a curfew in high school and, really, I didn't need one.  I didn't drink, I was very responsible and always came home at a reasonable time.  I was happy to see them give me this responsibility and so I didn't abuse it.  Of course, he just rolled his eyes and told me that "I didn't know everything!" yeah....let's see how his methods work when they become teenagers.

Quoting GotSomeKids:

I don't know.  That is tough.  On the one hand it seems as if it is something silly to argue over, but on the other hand, she has to learn how to make her own decisions.  I once read in a book that actually use the whole "coat" thing as an example.  The author was adimant that children can make these sort of small decisions on their own.  Even if they say they aren't cold and then they end up being cold, you make it a teachable moment instead of demanding she take it everywhere.

Would the hubby be agreeable to sitting down to a family meeting and talk about the issue?  Not just between you and him, but between you, him and your daughter.



M4LG5
by Valeri on Oct. 11, 2012 at 7:02 PM

Thank you!

Quoting GotSomeKids:

If you don't mind me suggesting.  The next time this occurs present it to him this way.  Tell him, he's not telling you that you are wrong, he is telling his daughter she is wrong by not trusting her decisions.  It's not about right and wrong, it is about effective parenting.  That is what is more important.

I know it isn't easy, I use to be very aggressive and things have to be this way kind of person.  When the kids went through their terrible "threes" I had to step back and make a change.  I had to let go of a lot of my pre-conceived notions about parenting.

Good luck and big hugs!!!!!

Quoting M4LG5:

As soon as he got home last night, I tried talking to him about it.  Of course, he still says that I'm wrong.  I was talking to him about the fact that we need to pick our battles and let them make these small decisions so they feel like they have some control.  At least if they feel that we trust them to make these small decisions that they will come to us when it's a bigger decision to make. 

He was very argumentive last night and said, "WHERE do you get this?  WHERE do you get ALL this information?  And HOW in your life did you experience this?"  Now, these would be good questions if we were having a conversation about it but he said it very harshly and very accusingly.

So, of course I answered (and I even sent him a link that backs up everything i said) and told him that all through school, my parents allowed me to make decisions for myself so I knew they trusted me.  I didn't have a curfew in high school and, really, I didn't need one.  I didn't drink, I was very responsible and always came home at a reasonable time.  I was happy to see them give me this responsibility and so I didn't abuse it.  Of course, he just rolled his eyes and told me that "I didn't know everything!" yeah....let's see how his methods work when they become teenagers.

Quoting GotSomeKids:

I don't know.  That is tough.  On the one hand it seems as if it is something silly to argue over, but on the other hand, she has to learn how to make her own decisions.  I once read in a book that actually use the whole "coat" thing as an example.  The author was adimant that children can make these sort of small decisions on their own.  Even if they say they aren't cold and then they end up being cold, you make it a teachable moment instead of demanding she take it everywhere.

Would the hubby be agreeable to sitting down to a family meeting and talk about the issue?  Not just between you and him, but between you, him and your daughter.




countrymomma81
by Member on Oct. 11, 2012 at 9:35 PM

Ugh. That sucks. I let my kids chose. They know what they want whether we think they do or not. 

My 5 year old hates pants. On cooler days she says she knows it'll just get hot during the day so she doesn't want to wear pants. I let her go in shorts. 

lazyd
by Member on Oct. 14, 2012 at 6:34 PM

Tell your husband to get his head out of his ASS and quit being such a jerk!  He is blaming you!  Dont take it and dont allow him to treat your daughter like that - he is being rude.  If your daughter is cold, im sure she will zip up!  Everyone is different temps!  Your daughter may be hot, doesnt matter how cold it is outside.  WHY is your husband so concerned about the coats being zipped?  They wont die from the cold! 

coolmommy2x
by Bronze Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 12:23 PM
Not a battle I would fight. If they're cold, they'll zip up.
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M4LG5
by Valeri on Oct. 23, 2012 at 12:26 PM

so, what's funny is that yesterday it was really cold and what did she do?  Zipped it up on her own.  I completely trust her ability to make those decisions for herself and if, as a parent, I don't think she is making those decisions correctly...I'll talk to her about it instead of make demands.  I feel like she cooperates more when she feels like she is part of the conversation instead of getting demands for those types of tasks.  KWIM?

Quoting coolmommy2x:

Not a battle I would fight. If they're cold, they'll zip up.


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