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Tween Titans Tween Titans

I am at the end of my rope!

Posted by on Nov. 10, 2012 at 9:21 PM
  • 16 Replies

My 12yr old cousin (lives with us) has been stealing. First it was $12 from us. Money that i have her for a fundraiser. Now its pens from school. The teacher caught her last week and called us. For the money when i asked her she kept saying no and no. Her sister (20yrs old) even paid me back the money but i don't want her money and its not the money that bothers me its the stealing and lying. Her mom (who still thinks she has a say in "raising" this child) got  mad at me for accusing her of taking the money. Today i find out that she was stealing from school because she "knows" that if she acts out we will take her to go see her sister. I said she couldn't go but my mom,dad and aunt(her mom) said she can go. I was out numbered and she left to go see her sister.

DH and i were talking and we think she should work to pay back the money she took. We pay our 5 year old a quarter for each room he cleans. I was thinking of "paying" her fifty cents for every room plus $1 for every basket of laundry she folds. There are 5-6 rooms she can clean every week and out of those there are 3 she can clean every day. What would you do?  I do sometimes feel like telling my parents to just take her if they aren't going to follow my rules.

by on Nov. 10, 2012 at 9:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
TempestRayne
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 10:56 AM

Maybe you hould limit her contact with them.

psych_mom
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 11:34 AM
5 moms liked this

If you have custody or if she lives in your house then you need to tell everyone else to butt out of it and to let you raise her. If they can't then they need to take her and try living with her and put up with her stealing. As for the stealing their needs to be stricter punishment than a liberal payment plan for chores. Take stuff away that she likes, ground her and stick to it regardless of what grandparents and her biomom says. Also, make her work to pay back the $12- not a liberal repayment plan, but really work for it. When people break the law and go to jail, they make maybe $.80 a day for their work, and this is working 8-10 hours a day doing laundry all day or washing dishes and cooking and serving lunch. I would tell her that she will get let's say $.20 a day until all $12 has been paid back and that she will clean these rooms one day a week and these 3 rooms every day a week and that she will fold all laundry. Let her know that you will not tolerate her lying or stealing. Set the boundry now and be hard and harsh in the punishment so that she sees you are serious.

Barabell
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 11:39 AM

I have these same thoughts while reading the post. I agree with this 100%.

Quoting psych_mom:

If you have custody or if she lives in your house then you need to tell everyone else to butt out of it and to let you raise her. If they can't then they need to take her and try living with her and put up with her stealing. As for the stealing their needs to be stricter punishment than a liberal payment plan for chores. Take stuff away that she likes, ground her and stick to it regardless of what grandparents and her biomom says. Also, make her work to pay back the $12- not a liberal repayment plan, but really work for it. When people break the law and go to jail, they make maybe $.80 a day for their work, and this is working 8-10 hours a day doing laundry all day or washing dishes and cooking and serving lunch. I would tell her that she will get let's say $.20 a day until all $12 has been paid back and that she will clean these rooms one day a week and these 3 rooms every day a week and that she will fold all laundry. Let her know that you will not tolerate her lying or stealing. Set the boundry now and be hard and harsh in the punishment so that she sees you are serious.


eddysmommy
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 11:57 PM

I checked her things today and found a couple things that are no hers. Some things she told me family gave her but with her history of lying to me took pics of it and asked those people. It was true on those things but she still had things she took from others. I know she is a 12 year old girl but still...if it doesn't stop now who know what she will take next.

My aunt called me crying pretty much asking why i am treating her like this. I honestly think she deserves it. I will be checking her bag everyday and no extra stuff for her. that means no tv, ipad, phones, candy. I am also going to do what Stacy said and only pay her $.20 a day for working....I am even thinking about taking her money and only giving her $1-$2 a day. Her lunch is free so she shouldn't be buying anything at school. At this point if her mom doesn't like any of my rules she can move out. It is just causing me lots of stress and my hair is actually falling out!

am i being to harsh on her? I know if it were one of my kids they would have it worse than she is getting now. I also don't feel comfortable taking her anywhere if she will be stealing. She took a pen from my sons school last Friday. Again i know it was just a pen but its more the action then the item. 

My parents try to defend her saying that because she is new to the country and so on and so forward. I'm pretty sure that stealing is stealing no matter where you live.

Wyldbutterfly
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 5:27 AM

I agree with Stacy! Set the rules now and stick to them. Who cares what the grandparents ir Bio Mom say. She's living under your roof, not theirs. Letting her get her way now is only going to make matters a 1,000 times worse later!

And you're right, stealing is stealing no matter the item she stole.

AtillaTheHun
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 5:58 AM

You are not being to harsh on her. If she gets away with all this AND gets her wish to see her sister every time she steals things, it will never stop. This behavior needs to be stopped NOW, or she will end up in jail. Stick to your guns, not matter what her mother, your mother, or anyone else thinks you should do. Saying that she does it because she is new to the country... what a bunch of BS, give me a break! My son came with me to the US in 2009 (he is 12 now) and he has never done anything like that. If your aunt asks you again why you are treating her like this you can tell her "I am trying to correct what YOU have screwed!" Obviously, her mother has not done anything to prevent or stop such a behavior. You donĀ“t need to hear excuses as to why some others think she is doing it; the reasons are quite obvious. How to correct it, that is the big task here. 

Quoting eddysmommy:

I checked her things today and found a couple things that are no hers. Some things she told me family gave her but with her history of lying to me took pics of it and asked those people. It was true on those things but she still had things she took from others. I know she is a 12 year old girl but still...if it doesn't stop now who know what she will take next.

My aunt called me crying pretty much asking why i am treating her like this. I honestly think she deserves it. I will be checking her bag everyday and no extra stuff for her. that means no tv, ipad, phones, candy. I am also going to do what Stacy said and only pay her $.20 a day for working....I am even thinking about taking her money and only giving her $1-$2 a day. Her lunch is free so she shouldn't be buying anything at school. At this point if her mom doesn't like any of my rules she can move out. It is just causing me lots of stress and my hair is actually falling out!

am i being to harsh on her? I know if it were one of my kids they would have it worse than she is getting now. I also don't feel comfortable taking her anywhere if she will be stealing. She took a pen from my sons school last Friday. Again i know it was just a pen but its more the action then the item. 

My parents try to defend her saying that because she is new to the country and so on and so forward. I'm pretty sure that stealing is stealing no matter where you live.


psych_mom
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 6:57 AM
You're not being too harsh on her. In a lot of other countries the punishment for stealing are often more severe than they are here. You're trying to help her and if you're family can't see that then they need some help themselves.

Quoting eddysmommy:

I checked her things today and found a couple things that are no hers. Some things she told me family gave her but with her history of lying to me took pics of it and asked those people. It was true on those things but she still had things she took from others. I know she is a 12 year old girl but still...if it doesn't stop now who know what she will take next.

My aunt called me crying pretty much asking why i am treating her like this. I honestly think she deserves it. I will be checking her bag everyday and no extra stuff for her. that means no tv, ipad, phones, candy. I am also going to do what Stacy said and only pay her $.20 a day for working....I am even thinking about taking her money and only giving her $1-$2 a day. Her lunch is free so she shouldn't be buying anything at school. At this point if her mom doesn't like any of my rules she can move out. It is just causing me lots of stress and my hair is actually falling out!

am i being to harsh on her? I know if it were one of my kids they would have it worse than she is getting now. I also don't feel comfortable taking her anywhere if she will be stealing. She took a pen from my sons school last Friday. Again i know it was just a pen but its more the action then the item. 

My parents try to defend her saying that because she is new to the country and so on and so forward. I'm pretty sure that stealing is stealing no matter where you live.

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auroragold
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 7:29 AM

1) who has LEGAL custody of the girl?

2) who lives in the house with you?

eddysmommy
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 8:22 AM
I guess her mom does. She lives 20+ hours away in a different state. She left her here in August. Her mom has never raised her. My grandparents did.

In this house its just dh and i and our 2 kids along with Jackie (the 12yr old)


Quoting auroragold:

1) who has LEGAL custody of the girl?

2) who lives in the house with you?

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
auroragold
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 8:45 AM

So if it's you and DH - - in YOUR house -- they should be YOUR rules to follow. Period.

Do you not have some legal authority for her (for school, medical care, etc.)?

Quoting eddysmommy:

I guess her mom does. She lives 20+ hours away in a different state. She left her here in August. Her mom has never raised her. My grandparents did.

In this house its just dh and i and our 2 kids along with Jackie (the 12yr old)


Quoting auroragold:

1) who has LEGAL custody of the girl?

2) who lives in the house with you?


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