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Tween Titans Tween Titans

Stepdad and tween daughter troubles

Posted by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:12 PM
  • 22 Replies

I'm 44 and have a daughter who is on the verge of 13 (in January).  In my opinion she is a really really good kid.  She is very artistic and pretty much to herself.  She occupies her time by drawing, sculpting, etc.  She makes very good grades in school, she does her chores without being asked, and is about as obedient as any parent could ask for.  My husband (who is her step dad) feels as though she is spoiled (by me) because I might buy her a treat if we are out.  He feels that she doesn't do her chores as well as she should.  He expects her to do her chores as an adult would.  I have already raised my son who is now 24 and he turned out pretty good and my husband agrees with that.  So my daughter asked for 3 things for Christmas this year, black and grey jeans, $ to purchase a computerized tablet and the guitar hero game and guitar.  I really wasn't expecting so little from her, but that is all she asked for.  My husband feels that letting her have the tablet for Christmas would be a mistake.  He feels that she is too introverted and needs to be more extroverted.  She does spend a lot of time in her room but I think it's because she wants to keep away from my husband.  Some of the other things he does is:

1.  He expects her to eat everything on her plate after he piles tons of food on her plate and expects her to eat foods she doesn't like.

2.  He expects her not to ask for anything when we go to the store.

3.  He is on to her about EVERYTHING.

I am currently on chemotherapy and he feels she needs to step up and cook her own dinner.  I have never expected her to cook her own meals.  She does help me from time to time preparing meals, but she really has no experience cooking and I do not feel comfortable allowing her to prepare meals on her own.  She has been helping me as much as she can, however I do not expect her to do everything.

Anyway, if anyone has any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated.  I love both of them very much, but lately I feel as though he is pushing me away from him by attacking everything my daughter does.


by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Lorena
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:56 PM
1 mom liked this
I an so sorry I would feel the same as you. I "spoil" or reward my kids often. I would ask him what is the proplem with her hanging out by heraelf? My teens do too at least I know they are not out getting drunk, high or pregnant. I would get her the tablet. But I have a question do you "spoiler" her because you feel guilty?
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M4LG5
by Valeri on Nov. 18, 2012 at 11:10 PM
How old was she when he came into her life? Where is her bio dad? Is he part if her life?
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Lorelai_Nicole
by Lorelai on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:54 AM

As a stepdaughter myself, it is REALLY hard to be in that situation. I, too, spent a great deal of time in my room avoiding my stepdad. It's not a fun way to grow up. My relationship with my mom deteriorated because she was stuck between me and my stepdad and she was trying to please us both. I wish I had some advice to help, but I really don't...My stepdad and I STILL don't get along. :(

Alexis Emma 10-13-1999 - 13 years old
Kirsten Leslie 03-14-2004 - 8 years old
Sarah Mackenzie 08-14-2007 - 5 years old
Charlotte Amelia & Harmon David 04-12-2012 - 7 months old

sbernys
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:57 AM

Guilty?  I have nothing to feel guilty about.  In my opinion I do not feel as though I spoil her.  Buying her a bag of chips while I'm at the grocery store doesn't seem like spoiling to me.  To my husband it is.

sbernys
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:03 AM

Her Biodad is very much still a part of her life.  She goes to his house every other weekend.  Her time is split between the both of us.

embrigmom
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:05 AM
2 moms liked this

I have to say  your husband kind of sounds like an ass hat! Why is he so hard on your daughter? She sounds like a great kid and a dream teenager! Seriously I want to know what you did so that when my DD (10) is nearly 13 she's as well behaved as your daughter. 

She doesn't sound spoiled at all. She asked for so little for christmas and I don't think getting her the tablet would be a bad idea.

So what if she spends a lot of time in her room, many teenagers spend a lot of time in their rooms hanging out on their own. Hell my DH used to hang-out in his room a lot! His family was shocked when we started dating, but he is a wonderful and well adjusted man.

Why does he want her to do her chores the way an adult would, cook meals, or eat so much food? I'm wondering if it has to do with the way he was raised.

I am also a Step daughter but my step father and I share a wonderful realtionship, but he wasn't anything like you are describing your husband to be.

I would maybe start having her help you cook a little more to learn how to cook, only because it is a very good skill to have.

But tell your husband to back off! There are worse things she could do then hang-out in her bedroom, do her chores and be helpful. Also Chill out, she should be able to ask for things in the store. And as for filling plate and then expecting her to clean it, that needs to STOP NOW that could set her up for unhealthy eating habits or an eating disorder.

sbernys
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:06 AM

Well it's not like he doesn't try to do things with her.  He asks her to do stuff with him and she flat out refuses.  If I ask her on the other hand, she will jump at the chance to go.  I'm wondering if I should have them both talk to a counselor or something.  I have 18 more weeks of chemo to go through and I don't think I can take it mentally with this strife going on.

sbernys
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:13 AM

Ass hat...LOL!  Yeah, that is pretty much what I have been thinking, but being that my ass hat is also my husband I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, which is why I came to this forum to get other opinions and advice.  I wanted to make sure I was not being the ass hat.  Thanks for the advice and the chuckle.


psych_mom
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:41 AM

it sounds as if he needs to learn to compromise. He has certain expectations and it sounds as if those aren't met he gets upset. Does he have kids of his own? Is he ex-military or in a job that requires him to manage people?

wenchmommy381
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 11:01 AM

I have to, for the most part, concur with the asshat assessment. But a little more communication between the two of you will help. 
Quote:

1.  He expects her to eat everything on her plate after he piles tons of food on her plate and expects her to eat foods she doesn't like. Start letting her serve herself. She's old enough to choose what and how much she likes.

2.  He expects her not to ask for anything when we go to the store. This ship has pretty much sailed... are you getting her a little something EVERY time you go to the store? I tell my children when we're going for a specific item that I will not take any requests. As a result, they usually don't ask for anything even if I don't say that. 

3.  He is on to her about EVERYTHING. He is the parent that his parents were, especially if he has no other parenting experience. I've taken to asking my husband "was your dad like that?" when he does something that I don't like with regard to our children. Most of the time his response is, "no- he was working, but my mom would do that..." and then he'd remember how much he disliked it when his mother did that, and he'd lay off. 


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