Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Tween Titans Tween Titans

Parenting advice needed - DD will not stop taking my things

Posted by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 1:32 AM
  • 18 Replies


I need parenting advice and I'm not entirely sure where to look for it so I thought I would try here!

My DD is 11 (12 in 3 weeks). She has what I would call mild ADHD and Bipolar NOS that is relatively under control. She does seem to have problems with impulsiveness BUT she is very bright and definitely knows right from wrong. However, she is very difficult to punish. Most punishments she just will not accept. For example...if they are house based like being sent to her room, she just won't go. Also, if I tell her to stay out of an area she might for an hour or two but she finds a way back in (in the case of my bathroom, it has two doors). Consequences where she needs me to do something for her are better because she has to respect them or she doesn't get what she wants but they are not fool proof.

Anyway...this kid is constantly taking my things. While it does drive me nuts there are other issues. For example, she took my blow dryer to her bathroom to use without asking. I found it plugged in and sitting in the sink. While it does have a shut off thing if it gets wet, its obviously still not a great idea to put it in the sink, especially when DD is the kind of person who would totally run water over it without even thinking. So safety is a concern. Another issue is the expense. DD will go through half a bottle of something OR make a huge mess. I'm stuck with the cost of replacing the item and replacing/fixing whatever she damages. It isn't like I tell her no constantly but she feels that I do. If she had simply asked me to use the blow dryer I would have said yes but she would have needed to use it in my bathroom. DD is definitely in the do-it-now and ask-for-forgiveness-later mindset. It is driving me up the wall. I know it's petty but when I'm in the shower and I go to deep condition my hair with expensive oil and it isn't there...I get mad. If she had asked for the oil I would have said no but reminded her that she has plenty of hair products of her own and could save her allowance if she really wanted some but the ironic part is that her hair doesn't need the oil.

So this is what I need help with...how do I establish limits when it comes to her taking my things? AND if she doesn't respect those limits what do I do next? I feel like I've tried everything but maybe I'm missing something. I probably could have skipped right to asking that but I think I needed a small vent....

Thanks!


Edited to add: DD is my SD. I've raised her for a decade so I don't feel that way but when puberty hit she sees me as less than her mom. This stuff COULD be related to that, I suppose.

by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 1:32 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
catngabsmom
by Erica on Dec. 13, 2012 at 1:47 AM

my girls both do the same thing to me!!! they even hide my blow dryer from me!!!!!! my oldest (ADHD) annihilated my make-up supply "experimenting" with it, i was in the shower last week, went to grab my shampoo and it was gone, it had been replaced with suave kids wacky water melon!!!!!

i feel your pain!!! i now charge my girls for "rental" of my items, money seems to hurt far more than being sent to their rooms!!

sheramom4
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 1:51 AM

All 3 of my girls do the same thing. Oldest DD (almost 14) also takes my clothes. I make mine replace things like cosmetics or hygiene products. I also have been known to hide my stuff (not very proactive, but I was frustrated at the time). I took all 3 to Ulta and had them pick their own items within a certain budget and let them know if they took mine I would dispose of their items and they would only be allowed 1.00 for replacement items for three months( so basically dollar store shampoo and such). It curbed it a lot but we still have work to do.

xElizabethx
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 2:29 AM

So this is normal??? DD is an only child in our house. I was half convinced that this was some sort of stepmom angst thing or impulse/adhd related. Puberty is kicking my butt. Seriously.

This just absolutely drives me nuts. She has her own things. She doesn't go without! So it isn't like she runs out of hair stuff and NEEDS mine, she just wants it or like with my dryer she doesn't want to use it in my bathroom so she just takes it. DH thinks I'm over reacting and I probably am...it is just super annoying to go to use something and it not be there and furthermore...when the heck is she even taking it?? I never catch her in the act! Oh another good one DH told me...he thinks its a compliment and means she wants to be like me. I kind of raised my eyebrow over that one.

xElizabethx
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 2:32 AM

I am so sorry but your post absolutely cracked me up. I love that your girls were kind enough to replace your shampoo with wacky watermelon!! Of course you wouldn't notice the difference, right?

I think money definitely talks. We're kind of behind the times. We've tried an allowance before but it didn't go so well. We JUST started giving her allowance again three weeks ago and it isn't much - only $5 a week. I was really hoping to start trying to instill some sort of money smarts in her but at this rate she will constantly be broke if she is paying to rent or replace items....but maybe that is the point!

Speaking of money...she clogged my bathroom sink with dirt last night. I told her I was going to take her to the store tomorrow so she could buy some drano with HER money. So random.

Quoting catngabsmom:

my girls both do the same thing to me!!! they even hide my blow dryer from me!!!!!! my oldest (ADHD) annihilated my make-up supply "experimenting" with it, i was in the shower last week, went to grab my shampoo and it was gone, it had been replaced with suave kids wacky water melon!!!!!

i feel your pain!!! i now charge my girls for "rental" of my items, money seems to hurt far more than being sent to their rooms!!


xElizabethx
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 2:35 AM

Three girls?? How do you have anything left??!

I've tried hiding things as well but she always seems to find them and then I go on this rant about how I should be allowed to have privacy and personal space...blah blah...

When I was 16 my parents upped my allowance to $100 a month (that was huge money to me then lol) BUT I had to purchase all of my hygiene stuff plus pay for going out to the movies and things like that out of my allowance. I learned to budget pretty quickly. If I ran out then that was it. I remember feeling sticker shock at how much stuff cost.

Quoting sheramom4:

All 3 of my girls do the same thing. Oldest DD (almost 14) also takes my clothes. I make mine replace things like cosmetics or hygiene products. I also have been known to hide my stuff (not very proactive, but I was frustrated at the time). I took all 3 to Ulta and had them pick their own items within a certain budget and let them know if they took mine I would dispose of their items and they would only be allowed 1.00 for replacement items for three months( so basically dollar store shampoo and such). It curbed it a lot but we still have work to do.


sheramom4
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 2:49 AM


Quoting xElizabethx:

Three girls?? How do you have anything left??!

I've tried hiding things as well but she always seems to find them and then I go on this rant about how I should be allowed to have privacy and personal space...blah blah...

When I was 16 my parents upped my allowance to $100 a month (that was huge money to me then lol) BUT I had to purchase all of my hygiene stuff plus pay for going out to the movies and things like that out of my allowance. I learned to budget pretty quickly. If I ran out then that was it. I remember feeling sticker shock at how much stuff cost.

Quoting sheramom4:

All 3 of my girls do the same thing. Oldest DD (almost 14) also takes my clothes. I make mine replace things like cosmetics or hygiene products. I also have been known to hide my stuff (not very proactive, but I was frustrated at the time). I took all 3 to Ulta and had them pick their own items within a certain budget and let them know if they took mine I would dispose of their items and they would only be allowed 1.00 for replacement items for three months( so basically dollar store shampoo and such). It curbed it a lot but we still have work to do.


I spend time ranting as well and my husband is trying to figure out why i am upset over my destroyed 30.00 mascara or not being able to use my favorite body wash because it was used in the latest round of super showers because the girls think they smell. And what better way to smell then like mom's body wash. LOL.

sheramom4
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 2:51 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting catngabsmom:

my girls both do the same thing to me!!! they even hide my blow dryer from me!!!!!! my oldest (ADHD) annihilated my make-up supply "experimenting" with it, i was in the shower last week, went to grab my shampoo and it was gone, it had been replaced with suave kids wacky water melon!!!!!

i feel your pain!!! i now charge my girls for "rental" of my items, money seems to hurt far more than being sent to their rooms!!

I am so glad to see I am not the only one who deals with the tub science experiments. And why my stuff is better to experiment with than their own I have no idea. My worst one for that is my almost 11 year old DD, she also has ADHD. I guess the tub is boring??? LOL

bafamily
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 10:40 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry for your troubles.  My girls are not big enough for this kind of stuff, thank God! You kinda feel like a prisoner in your home.  I know I did for a while with my son, he's the "problem" child.  Have you tried I think it's called calistetics?  Military type punishment.  KP duty situps and pushups if she doesn't listen.  Or what is good for the daughter is good for the mother.  Start taking things out of her room.  At one point my son was two or three items away from sleeping on the floor. 

M4LG5
by Valeri on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this

One of the first things that stood out that i am concerned about was when you said "she just will not accept".  I'm sorry...there are no choices except bad and worse for misbehaviors.  For example, if you are sending her to her room, tell her she can go to her room for X minutes OR she will get her phone taken away (or whatever is meaningful to her). 

I have 3 girls and they are younger but I'm trying to set the tone now.  If they talk back or misbehave, I give them one chance to correct themselves and if they don't, they go to bed 10 minutes early (which is a big deal to them....it could be 30 minutes early as they get older). 

If she is taking your things, you make her put it back and tell her if she does it again she has to ________ (fill in the blank) and then follow through.

My kids do not get the last say in any discipline I give them. 

Zamaria
by Silver Member on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this
I understand completely. I am very strict with my kids, and they definately get consequences, but I have one that has some issues, and it seems like consequences are just completely ineffective for him. He takes my things too. Things like ponytail holders, safety pins, just anything he can get his hands on. He hides them in his drawers or in his pillowcase. So I started taking his things. His toys, etc. when he figured out that his things were missing and asked me about it, I told him I took them and that I would continue to take them if he didn't stay out of my stuff. It worked. He tried it a few more times but when he saw that I was seriously taking his stuff, he stopped. Haven't had a problem in about six months now. I would just take her stuff. Shoes, whatever toys she likes, etc. just take one thing for everything of yours that she takes without asking. When she stops stealing from you or borrowing without permission, let her know that you noticed that she stopped, and that you appreciate it, and as a reward, take her to the store and get her her own things that she can pick out. Her own hair dryer, body wash, shampoo, makeup if you let her wear it, etc. let her know that by stopping her behavior she has shown some maturity and that mature young ladies need their own beauty products. That's what I would do.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)