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Um, suggestions? Bio dad has finally broke the Hero Complex. ETA: THE OUTCOME

Posted by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:16 PM
  • 40 Replies
My thirteen yr old has known for awhile that his father is pretty useless, but I've kind of pushed for at least two Sundays ( six hrs) just to make sure I'm never considered the reason they didn't have a relationship. There is no visitation court ordered at all.





This past Sunday, my son's father crushed him beyond repair with a promise, a lame call to postpone it... And then another lame call canceling altogether.





My son no longer wants to see him. I suggested maybe a break... Like until schools over. No, he wants to go get his stuff and not go back....





Ds won't talk heavily about it. He retreats into his bed and slinks under his cocoon of blankets. Guys, I can't talk to his dad without him. His dad needs to understand this is his son's choice... But RJ totally does not want the confrontation. ( he has no difficulty confronting me, btw)





What/ how do I do this? I knew it would happen, but damn! I really don't know how to go about this....ds has to speak, don't you agree???



ETA: More, ladies ! I need as much support to enter into this for both my son AND I. The weekend is coming... I have to get my son to say something , I need to prep for whatever.

Do I tell his father to expect a communication from ds? Do I let my son do this by text? Force a face to face? Be there with him, like a neutral place? Ds obviously does not want to face this... Where is my place in this? How much do I push a 13yr old to " break up" with his father because HE wants to but is ( for an odd reason) afraid to hurt his dad's feelings? I feel nauseous for him and myself.

ETA: THE OUTCOME.
I have been gathering opinions as you well know from not just here, but any of my friends I could think of.
One suggestion was to have ds write him a letter whether he sent it or not. Maybe seeing what upset him on paper would either help him see it was trivial or really serious.
His father called tonight because he wouldn't answer his own phone. I just told him I was working on it. He pushed me to tell him and I said " this is really between you guys" and with a clipped " okay" he hung up.
R.J. and I sat down and wrote a list. We also came up with how to respond to a heartfelt apology vs. an " I'm the victim" mentality. He had to use the second closing.

So R.J. has told his father that he wants to take a break from visitation until summer is here when they can do something they BOTH enjoy. He said that he'd still like to do dinner and phone calls during the school year, but with the second semester starting up and him starting high school, next year, there were alot of extra tests to prepare for. He didn't need the extra pressure every weekend over whether it not he was going to be cancelled on.

He was amazingly articulate once he got started! I was highly proud of him when his father tried to twist his words. " no, that's not what I said at all! What I said was...."

When it was all over, he went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair real tight. I asked if he was okay, he says " not sure, my stomach is doing flips and my legs feel like they are going to buckle. I smiled and said " that's your body letting go of all that tension and stress you've been carrying around for no telling how long!"
He grinned, I do feel better, even if dad didn't see the problem.... Like I have a little power, too.
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by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 6:45 PM
Bump!
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kmrtigger
by Kandice on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:30 PM

Explain to your son that he needs to be the one to explain to his dad why he is cutting ties. Explain to him, that by hm being the one to tell his dad, he is being the bigger person in this situation.

Barabell
by Barbara on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:07 PM


Quoting kmrtigger:

Explain to your son that he needs to be the one to explain to his dad why he is cutting ties. Explain to him, that by hm being the one to tell his dad, he is being the bigger person in this situation.

This is some great advice!!

Barabell
by Barbara on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:09 PM

My other suggestion is to tell the dad that it's not your decision and he needs to talk to his son if he wants an answer. Anytime the dad engages you or pressures you for information, stay calm and just say that he needs to speak to his son instead of you.

This is really a hard place for you to be in. Please update us as it goes along.

hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:42 PM
I will, I'm just so angry at my son's father for completing the " break" so harshly... The shut down he's cause with my child. I mean, I suggest a " break" from visitation and my son wants to " divorce" him. :'(
You know how bad it hurts to see your baby hurting.... This is like a break up with a GF .
I'll do what I can, and keep you updated.

Quoting Barabell:

My other suggestion is to tell the dad that it's not your decision and he needs to talk to his son if he wants an answer. Anytime the dad engages you or pressures you for information, stay calm and just say that he needs to speak to his son instead of you.

This is really a hard place for you to be in. Please update us as it goes along.

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psych_mom
by Stacy on Jan. 17, 2013 at 7:29 AM

When my parents split my brother didn't have anything to do with my dad for a long time- I am talking about 4 or 5 years. My mom tried to force it. She tried to talk to my dad for him and everything else. Nothing ever worked. Eventually my brother came around and they worked everything out, but it had to be them that talked and understood. So, while you can be a support to your son, you are going to have to let his dad know that you are there as a support for your son, but that you are in no way getting in the middle of their relationship. Your son makes his decisions where he is concerned and that he is the one that he has to to talk to, not you. It is sad to see our children hurting, but all you can do is tell your son that he has to be the one to let his father know what is going on and that when he is ready to talk you are there to listen. You could suggest that instead of a text that he write a letter that he can send letting his dad know everything or that he send an email. Sometimes it is just easier to write feelings out than to speak them anyways, it even has therapeutic benefits to do this.

motherslove82
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 7:34 AM
Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.
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BKozICan
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 8:19 AM

That was the age dh was when he "broke up" with his bio father. It was the point he became more mature than his father. He wrote a letter--not ideal, but best for him at that time.

Did bio dad actually seem sorry? If he did, I would push them to talk; if not, end it for a while.

tiredmama42
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 8:28 AM

Honestly I have dealt with this with my own DD and my SD.  They are mad, hurt upset..   The next month it may all be in the past and they will change their minds.  I wouldnt force him to do anything I would let him and his father deal with it.  You will be the one trying to comfort and console him either way.  I learned early  not encourage them either way.. kids seem to forgive parents because they need them and crave their affection. As much as it hurts.. I know what its like.

TempestRayne
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:45 AM
Quoting motherslove82:

Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.

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