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Tween Titans Tween Titans

Um, suggestions? Bio dad has finally broke the Hero Complex. ETA: THE OUTCOME

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My thirteen yr old has known for awhile that his father is pretty useless, but I've kind of pushed for at least two Sundays ( six hrs) just to make sure I'm never considered the reason they didn't have a relationship. There is no visitation court ordered at all.





This past Sunday, my son's father crushed him beyond repair with a promise, a lame call to postpone it... And then another lame call canceling altogether.





My son no longer wants to see him. I suggested maybe a break... Like until schools over. No, he wants to go get his stuff and not go back....





Ds won't talk heavily about it. He retreats into his bed and slinks under his cocoon of blankets. Guys, I can't talk to his dad without him. His dad needs to understand this is his son's choice... But RJ totally does not want the confrontation. ( he has no difficulty confronting me, btw)





What/ how do I do this? I knew it would happen, but damn! I really don't know how to go about this....ds has to speak, don't you agree???



ETA: More, ladies ! I need as much support to enter into this for both my son AND I. The weekend is coming... I have to get my son to say something , I need to prep for whatever.

Do I tell his father to expect a communication from ds? Do I let my son do this by text? Force a face to face? Be there with him, like a neutral place? Ds obviously does not want to face this... Where is my place in this? How much do I push a 13yr old to " break up" with his father because HE wants to but is ( for an odd reason) afraid to hurt his dad's feelings? I feel nauseous for him and myself.

ETA: THE OUTCOME.
I have been gathering opinions as you well know from not just here, but any of my friends I could think of.
One suggestion was to have ds write him a letter whether he sent it or not. Maybe seeing what upset him on paper would either help him see it was trivial or really serious.
His father called tonight because he wouldn't answer his own phone. I just told him I was working on it. He pushed me to tell him and I said " this is really between you guys" and with a clipped " okay" he hung up.
R.J. and I sat down and wrote a list. We also came up with how to respond to a heartfelt apology vs. an " I'm the victim" mentality. He had to use the second closing.

So R.J. has told his father that he wants to take a break from visitation until summer is here when they can do something they BOTH enjoy. He said that he'd still like to do dinner and phone calls during the school year, but with the second semester starting up and him starting high school, next year, there were alot of extra tests to prepare for. He didn't need the extra pressure every weekend over whether it not he was going to be cancelled on.

He was amazingly articulate once he got started! I was highly proud of him when his father tried to twist his words. " no, that's not what I said at all! What I said was...."

When it was all over, he went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair real tight. I asked if he was okay, he says " not sure, my stomach is doing flips and my legs feel like they are going to buckle. I smiled and said " that's your body letting go of all that tension and stress you've been carrying around for no telling how long!"
He grinned, I do feel better, even if dad didn't see the problem.... Like I have a little power, too.
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by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:16 PM
Replies (11-20):
hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:08 AM
No, he did not seem sorry, and did not catch the flatness in ds' tone when he cancelled when I heard the change from the kitchen.

Quoting BKozICan:

That was the age dh was when he "broke up" with his bio father. It was the point he became more mature than his father. He wrote a letter--not ideal, but best for him at that time.

Did bio dad actually seem sorry? If he did, I would push them to talk; if not, end it for a while.

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BKozICan
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:21 AM

Aw, man, that sucks. There is no "good" way for this to end, is there? :-( Poor kiddo.

allwritenow
by Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:29 AM

Depending on the state you are in, it is very possible that your son cannot refuse to see his father until he is 18. I am in NH, and when my son was 13, he would have gladly stopped going with dad. He is, and most likely always will be, much more mature and capable of human interaction than his father. MY SON had to get counseling to work on issues with his father, and he is now 15. Even though he really doesn't like going, he has come to a good place. He has also learned better communication skills and tools for dealing with his father's uselessness. Now I just have to get my two younger children through this same bump in the road....

I wish you and your son the best of luck in whatever you decide!

mommadana
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:37 AM

My DS Bio dad is unreliable.  I will not tell him that his dad's coming until he's at the house.  I will pack or what not but not tell him because I have to be the one to explain to him why he doesn't see his dad.  His therapist (yes he has one but she's a great psychologist) said that mom and dad are roles not people.  My SO is more dad than his bio dad and I'm mom while his bio mom is more a person.  It's sad

hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:45 AM
He's not physically abusive, no. But he totally ignores ds when he is there.

He comes to no special awards events, s
Doesn't show any interest in how well he does academically. Barely calls when he is sick.

As far as people not being expendable... His father doesn't even warn rj that the girl that was there two weeks ago isn't the same less than desirable girl he meets the next time. He move women in sometimes for two months and then they are gone.

No , relationships are not disposable ...but I'M not teaching him that, his father is. It becomes my job to undo whatever damage seeing this revolving door of women does to him.

We've " adopted" an ex GF because RJ bonded to her and she to him, and DH and I really enjoy her company.

So, no, I'm not going to force a relationship that was never there.

I guess it depends on your idea of abuse. I see this as neglect ( doesn't offer his child food) and emotional neglect as he pays no attention to him at all when he is there.

Toxic relationships should be cut when it starts sucking the life out of you..,, even a 13 yr old.

Quoting motherslove82:

Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.
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hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:56 AM
This is true, but his father did not want to go to court for visitation. Unless his father filed for visitation, ( which I doubt he will)

We worked it out ourselves, and due his lack of finding a job that allows overnight or even Saturdays, Sundays were all that was available. RJ has a phone now, and call for me to pick him up if it's just too boring or stressful for him. Forced visitation would have to be court ordered.

Quoting allwritenow:

Depending on the state you are in, it is very possible that your son cannot refuse to see his father until he is 18. I am in NH, and when my son was 13, he would have gladly stopped going with dad. He is, and most likely always will be, much more mature and capable of human interaction than his father. MY SON had to get counseling to work on issues with his father, and he is now 15. Even though he really doesn't like going, he has come to a good place. He has also learned better communication skills and tools for dealing with his father's uselessness. Now I just have to get my two younger children through this same bump in the road....


I wish you and your son the best of luck in whatever you decide!

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hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:58 AM
No, there isn't.....thanks for the sympathy

Quoting BKozICan:

Aw, man, that sucks. There is no "good" way for this to end, is there? :-( Poor kiddo.

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psych_mom
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:54 PM

What his dad is doing to him will cause long term damage so I honestly suggest not forcing your son to continue a relationship because in the long run he will resent you as well. Neglect is a form of abuse itself and your son is being emotionally neglected by his dad. His stepdad is there and this could be a good time for them to grow closer and he needs a strong male role model in his life right now, not someone that doesn't want to be there.

Quoting hollydaze1974:

He's not physically abusive, no. But he totally ignores ds when he is there.

He comes to no special awards events, s
Doesn't show any interest in how well he does academically. Barely calls when he is sick.

As far as people not being expendable... His father doesn't even warn rj that the girl that was there two weeks ago isn't the same less than desirable girl he meets the next time. He move women in sometimes for two months and then they are gone.

No , relationships are not disposable ...but I'M not teaching him that, his father is. It becomes my job to undo whatever damage seeing this revolving door of women does to him.

We've " adopted" an ex GF because RJ bonded to her and she to him, and DH and I really enjoy her company.

So, no, I'm not going to force a relationship that was never there.

I guess it depends on your idea of abuse. I see this as neglect ( doesn't offer his child food) and emotional neglect as he pays no attention to him at all when he is there.

Toxic relationships should be cut when it starts sucking the life out of you..,, even a 13 yr old.

Quoting motherslove82:

Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.


hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:15 AM
Amen, my sister!!

Quoting psych_mom:

What his dad is doing to him will cause long term damage so I honestly suggest not forcing your son to continue a relationship because in the long run he will resent you as well. Neglect is a form of abuse itself and your son is being emotionally neglected by his dad. His stepdad is there and this could be a good time for them to grow closer and he needs a strong male role model in his life right now, not someone that doesn't want to be there.

Quoting hollydaze1974:

He's not physically abusive, no. But he totally ignores ds when he is there.



He comes to no special awards events, s

Doesn't show any interest in how well he does academically. Barely calls when he is sick.



As far as people not being expendable... His father doesn't even warn rj that the girl that was there two weeks ago isn't the same less than desirable girl he meets the next time. He move women in sometimes for two months and then they are gone.



No , relationships are not disposable ...but I'M not teaching him that, his father is. It becomes my job to undo whatever damage seeing this revolving door of women does to him.



We've " adopted" an ex GF because RJ bonded to her and she to him, and DH and I really enjoy her company.



So, no, I'm not going to force a relationship that was never there.



I guess it depends on your idea of abuse. I see this as neglect ( doesn't offer his child food) and emotional neglect as he pays no attention to him at all when he is there.



Toxic relationships should be cut when it starts sucking the life out of you..,, even a 13 yr old.



Quoting motherslove82:

Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.


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hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:47 AM
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