Um, suggestions? Bio dad has finally broke the Hero Complex. ETA: THE OUTCOME
This past Sunday, my son's father crushed him beyond repair with a promise, a lame call to postpone it... And then another lame call canceling altogether.
My son no longer wants to see him. I suggested maybe a break... Like until schools over. No, he wants to go get his stuff and not go back....
Ds won't talk heavily about it. He retreats into his bed and slinks under his cocoon of blankets. Guys, I can't talk to his dad without him. His dad needs to understand this is his son's choice... But RJ totally does not want the confrontation. ( he has no difficulty confronting me, btw)
What/ how do I do this? I knew it would happen, but damn! I really don't know how to go about this....ds has to speak, don't you agree???
ETA: More, ladies ! I need as much support to enter into this for both my son AND I. The weekend is coming... I have to get my son to say something , I need to prep for whatever.
Do I tell his father to expect a communication from ds? Do I let my son do this by text? Force a face to face? Be there with him, like a neutral place? Ds obviously does not want to face this... Where is my place in this? How much do I push a 13yr old to " break up" with his father because HE wants to but is ( for an odd reason) afraid to hurt his dad's feelings? I feel nauseous for him and myself.
ETA: THE OUTCOME.
I have been gathering opinions as you well know from not just here, but any of my friends I could think of.
One suggestion was to have ds write him a letter whether he sent it or not. Maybe seeing what upset him on paper would either help him see it was trivial or really serious.
His father called tonight because he wouldn't answer his own phone. I just told him I was working on it. He pushed me to tell him and I said " this is really between you guys" and with a clipped " okay" he hung up.
R.J. and I sat down and wrote a list. We also came up with how to respond to a heartfelt apology vs. an " I'm the victim" mentality. He had to use the second closing.
So R.J. has told his father that he wants to take a break from visitation until summer is here when they can do something they BOTH enjoy. He said that he'd still like to do dinner and phone calls during the school year, but with the second semester starting up and him starting high school, next year, there were alot of extra tests to prepare for. He didn't need the extra pressure every weekend over whether it not he was going to be cancelled on.
He was amazingly articulate once he got started! I was highly proud of him when his father tried to twist his words. " no, that's not what I said at all! What I said was...."
When it was all over, he went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair real tight. I asked if he was okay, he says " not sure, my stomach is doing flips and my legs feel like they are going to buckle. I smiled and said " that's your body letting go of all that tension and stress you've been carrying around for no telling how long!"
He grinned, I do feel better, even if dad didn't see the problem.... Like I have a little power, too.