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Tween Titans Tween Titans

Um, suggestions? Bio dad has finally broke the Hero Complex. ETA: THE OUTCOME

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My thirteen yr old has known for awhile that his father is pretty useless, but I've kind of pushed for at least two Sundays ( six hrs) just to make sure I'm never considered the reason they didn't have a relationship. There is no visitation court ordered at all.





This past Sunday, my son's father crushed him beyond repair with a promise, a lame call to postpone it... And then another lame call canceling altogether.





My son no longer wants to see him. I suggested maybe a break... Like until schools over. No, he wants to go get his stuff and not go back....





Ds won't talk heavily about it. He retreats into his bed and slinks under his cocoon of blankets. Guys, I can't talk to his dad without him. His dad needs to understand this is his son's choice... But RJ totally does not want the confrontation. ( he has no difficulty confronting me, btw)





What/ how do I do this? I knew it would happen, but damn! I really don't know how to go about this....ds has to speak, don't you agree???



ETA: More, ladies ! I need as much support to enter into this for both my son AND I. The weekend is coming... I have to get my son to say something , I need to prep for whatever.

Do I tell his father to expect a communication from ds? Do I let my son do this by text? Force a face to face? Be there with him, like a neutral place? Ds obviously does not want to face this... Where is my place in this? How much do I push a 13yr old to " break up" with his father because HE wants to but is ( for an odd reason) afraid to hurt his dad's feelings? I feel nauseous for him and myself.

ETA: THE OUTCOME.
I have been gathering opinions as you well know from not just here, but any of my friends I could think of.
One suggestion was to have ds write him a letter whether he sent it or not. Maybe seeing what upset him on paper would either help him see it was trivial or really serious.
His father called tonight because he wouldn't answer his own phone. I just told him I was working on it. He pushed me to tell him and I said " this is really between you guys" and with a clipped " okay" he hung up.
R.J. and I sat down and wrote a list. We also came up with how to respond to a heartfelt apology vs. an " I'm the victim" mentality. He had to use the second closing.

So R.J. has told his father that he wants to take a break from visitation until summer is here when they can do something they BOTH enjoy. He said that he'd still like to do dinner and phone calls during the school year, but with the second semester starting up and him starting high school, next year, there were alot of extra tests to prepare for. He didn't need the extra pressure every weekend over whether it not he was going to be cancelled on.

He was amazingly articulate once he got started! I was highly proud of him when his father tried to twist his words. " no, that's not what I said at all! What I said was...."

When it was all over, he went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair real tight. I asked if he was okay, he says " not sure, my stomach is doing flips and my legs feel like they are going to buckle. I smiled and said " that's your body letting go of all that tension and stress you've been carrying around for no telling how long!"
He grinned, I do feel better, even if dad didn't see the problem.... Like I have a little power, too.
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by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:16 PM
Replies (21-30):
wakymom
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:42 AM

Good for him! Sounds like he handled it more maturely than his father did. 

 

 

 

 

 

M4LG5
by Valeri on Jan. 18, 2013 at 11:09 AM

Ohhhh!!  I just want to go hug your son!!!!!  I'm sure you are very proud of your son.  Heck,  I'M PROUD of your son.

hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 11:53 AM
:-) yes, and I did hug him and thanks for being proud of him , too .

I just loved that when his dad tried to twist he words, he got angry and said " NO, that's not what I said AT ALL! What I said was...."

I was so impressed with that. It was like saying " I'm not five anymore and you aren't going to make this my fault!" :-)

Quoting M4LG5:

Ohhhh!!  I just want to go hug your son!!!!!  I'm sure you are very proud of your son.  Heck,  I'M PROUD of your son.

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TempestRayne
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:08 PM
I hope everything works out.
psych_mom
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:56 PM

So glad he was able to get it out and to tell his dad for himself. I think a break may do him some good and if his dad continues doing the way he has been after the break then RJ will see that this is something he just needs to make permanent, but maybe over this break his dad will think about what he said and how he is making him feel and take it to heart. I know at his age what he did wasn't easy, but you taught him a very valuable lesson about dealing with his problems with another person on his own. Way to go to both of you.

hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 7:29 PM
Thanks! He did do we, quite frankly it showed his father he wasn't five anymore and the wool was as easily pulled over his eyes.

This confrontation ( if nothing else) may help him with peer pressure because if he can stand up to an adult who has mistreated him or pushing him to do something he doesn't want... Maybe he'll be able to keep his convictions, then.

I didn't want them to be separated , but hey, there is a reason his dad has never been married( dodge a bullet, there, myself!)
He only thinks of what's convenient for him, children deserve someone who think of them... Especially for a measly six hrs a week!

Quoting psych_mom:

So glad he was able to get it out and to tell his dad for himself. I think a break may do him some good and if his dad continues doing the way he has been after the break then RJ will see that this is something he just needs to make permanent, but maybe over this break his dad will think about what he said and how he is making him feel and take it to heart. I know at his age what he did wasn't easy, but you taught him a very valuable lesson about dealing with his problems with another person on his own. Way to go to both of you.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 7:33 PM
Thank you. I sense disapproval or negativity, but that's okay. I could've misinterpreted or not... It will work out how it's supposed to.... Life typically does if one is true to themselves.

Quoting TempestRayne:

I hope everything works out.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
psych_mom
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:13 PM

I sense that from the way his dad acts that he doesn't really want to be a dad but he has to say the right things to your son so that he doesn't seem totally heartless (to say the least) and act like he cares, and in his way he probably does, but not enough to be bothered with seeing him like he should. And you are right, children need someone that makes them a priority in their lives. It hurts them when a parent puts them on the backburner, but it also helps them see which parent(s) are the ones that want to be the parent and want to be in their life for the long haul.

Quoting hollydaze1974:

Thanks! He did do we, quite frankly it showed his father he wasn't five anymore and the wool was as easily pulled over his eyes.

This confrontation ( if nothing else) may help him with peer pressure because if he can stand up to an adult who has mistreated him or pushing him to do something he doesn't want... Maybe he'll be able to keep his convictions, then.

I didn't want them to be separated , but hey, there is a reason his dad has never been married( dodge a bullet, there, myself!)
He only thinks of what's convenient for him, children deserve someone who think of them... Especially for a measly six hrs a week!

Quoting psych_mom:

So glad he was able to get it out and to tell his dad for himself. I think a break may do him some good and if his dad continues doing the way he has been after the break then RJ will see that this is something he just needs to make permanent, but maybe over this break his dad will think about what he said and how he is making him feel and take it to heart. I know at his age what he did wasn't easy, but you taught him a very valuable lesson about dealing with his problems with another person on his own. Way to go to both of you.


1Redapple
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:08 PM

 I'm blown away!  Great news to know of a younge man who is learning to handel problems well.

 

supermomz25
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:13 PM

I am so sorry that your son had to do that, but good for him to be able to express into words how he felt. frankly it's his dad's loss if he is willing to treat your son like that. hugs to your son!

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