Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Tween Titans Tween Titans

Um, suggestions? Bio dad has finally broke the Hero Complex. ETA: THE OUTCOME

Posted by   + Show Post
My thirteen yr old has known for awhile that his father is pretty useless, but I've kind of pushed for at least two Sundays ( six hrs) just to make sure I'm never considered the reason they didn't have a relationship. There is no visitation court ordered at all.





This past Sunday, my son's father crushed him beyond repair with a promise, a lame call to postpone it... And then another lame call canceling altogether.





My son no longer wants to see him. I suggested maybe a break... Like until schools over. No, he wants to go get his stuff and not go back....





Ds won't talk heavily about it. He retreats into his bed and slinks under his cocoon of blankets. Guys, I can't talk to his dad without him. His dad needs to understand this is his son's choice... But RJ totally does not want the confrontation. ( he has no difficulty confronting me, btw)





What/ how do I do this? I knew it would happen, but damn! I really don't know how to go about this....ds has to speak, don't you agree???



ETA: More, ladies ! I need as much support to enter into this for both my son AND I. The weekend is coming... I have to get my son to say something , I need to prep for whatever.

Do I tell his father to expect a communication from ds? Do I let my son do this by text? Force a face to face? Be there with him, like a neutral place? Ds obviously does not want to face this... Where is my place in this? How much do I push a 13yr old to " break up" with his father because HE wants to but is ( for an odd reason) afraid to hurt his dad's feelings? I feel nauseous for him and myself.

ETA: THE OUTCOME.
I have been gathering opinions as you well know from not just here, but any of my friends I could think of.
One suggestion was to have ds write him a letter whether he sent it or not. Maybe seeing what upset him on paper would either help him see it was trivial or really serious.
His father called tonight because he wouldn't answer his own phone. I just told him I was working on it. He pushed me to tell him and I said " this is really between you guys" and with a clipped " okay" he hung up.
R.J. and I sat down and wrote a list. We also came up with how to respond to a heartfelt apology vs. an " I'm the victim" mentality. He had to use the second closing.

So R.J. has told his father that he wants to take a break from visitation until summer is here when they can do something they BOTH enjoy. He said that he'd still like to do dinner and phone calls during the school year, but with the second semester starting up and him starting high school, next year, there were alot of extra tests to prepare for. He didn't need the extra pressure every weekend over whether it not he was going to be cancelled on.

He was amazingly articulate once he got started! I was highly proud of him when his father tried to twist his words. " no, that's not what I said at all! What I said was...."

When it was all over, he went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair real tight. I asked if he was okay, he says " not sure, my stomach is doing flips and my legs feel like they are going to buckle. I smiled and said " that's your body letting go of all that tension and stress you've been carrying around for no telling how long!"
He grinned, I do feel better, even if dad didn't see the problem.... Like I have a little power, too.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:16 PM
Replies (31-40):
TempestRayne
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:29 PM
No disapproval, but concern. If he has court ordered visitation, and you go along with your son not going, you could get in trouble with the courts-if your ex presses the issue.
Quoting hollydaze1974:


hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:37 PM
I'm sorry, I thought I said that. There is absolutely no court system involved at all, in the least... Ever . My son actually has complete control over when and if he sees his father. His father wanted it that way.

Quoting TempestRayne:

No disapproval, but concern. If he has court ordered visitation, and you go along with your son not going, you could get in trouble with the courts-if your ex presses the issue.
Quoting hollydaze1974:


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
TempestRayne
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:54 PM
You might have. I didn't see it though.
Quoting hollydaze1974:


katfeemom
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:39 AM

I don't recall seeing in the original post that the father was technically 'abusive', but when a parent makes arrangements / plans to spend time with a child, then calls to reschedule, than calls again to cancel?  That's inappropriate.  It can make the child feel like they are insignificant, and they don't matter.  Did he hit the kid? As far as we know, what was written, no.  But making a child feel like they are unimportant and insignificant is just as abusive, IMO.

Quoting TempestRayne:

Quoting motherslove82:

Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.


 

katfeemom
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:52 AM

You've used the term  'revolving door of women', IMO (unless you also have a revolving door of men) you might want to consider some sort of morality clause in your C/A.  On'y because your DS is getting a lesson on how women should be treated by men by the way he sees his Dad treating the women in his life. At the same time, he is getting a lesson on how women accept being treated by how he sees YOUR behavior around men, and how the men in your life treat you. 

And as much as we can try to undo the damage that others have done to our children, being exposed to something and living with it, is nearly impossible to undo just by talking about it.  Lessons are stronger learned by living them than by hearing them.

Quoting hollydaze1974:

He's not physically abusive, no. But he totally ignores ds when he is there.

He comes to no special awards events, s
Doesn't show any interest in how well he does academically. Barely calls when he is sick.

As far as people not being expendable... His father doesn't even warn rj that the girl that was there two weeks ago isn't the same less than desirable girl he meets the next time. He move women in sometimes for two months and then they are gone.

No , relationships are not disposable ...but I'M not teaching him that, his father is. It becomes my job to undo whatever damage seeing this revolving door of women does to him.

We've " adopted" an ex GF because RJ bonded to her and she to him, and DH and I really enjoy her company.

So, no, I'm not going to force a relationship that was never there.

I guess it depends on your idea of abuse. I see this as neglect ( doesn't offer his child food) and emotional neglect as he pays no attention to him at all when he is there.

Toxic relationships should be cut when it starts sucking the life out of you..,, even a 13 yr old.

Quoting motherslove82:

Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.


 

hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 11:54 AM
I had three Lon term relationships before marrying my husband.

None of them met my son until I had a strong idea that they were " suitable." ( no less than four months)

One just wasn't. One passed away, one ended it with us because it was long distance and found someone closer. And my now husband, over a span of ten years taking like a year long break between the relationships.

I did not want him hurt uncessarily. I understand what you are saying. In fact, in the conversation he and his father had, that was R.J.'s second point of unhappiness...the one his dad tried to twist what he said. You are absolutely right, a morality clause is an excellent thing to think about when it comes time to restart visitation.

Thank you for that idea.

Quoting katfeemom:

You've used the term  'revolving door of women', IMO (unless you also have a revolving door of men) you might want to consider some sort of morality clause in your C/A.  On'y because your DS is getting a lesson on how women should be treated by men by the way he sees his Dad treating the women in his life. At the same time, he is getting a lesson on how women accept being treated by how he sees YOUR behavior around men, and how the men in your life treat you. 



And as much as we can try to undo the damage that others have done to our children, being exposed to something and living with it, is nearly impossible to undo just by talking about it.  Lessons are stronger learned by living them than by hearing them.



Quoting hollydaze1974:

He's not physically abusive, no. But he totally ignores ds when he is there.

He comes to no special awards events, s
Doesn't show any interest in how well he does academically. Barely calls when he is sick.

As far as people not being expendable... His father doesn't even warn rj that the girl that was there two weeks ago isn't the same less than desirable girl he meets the next time. He move women in sometimes for two months and then they are gone.

No , relationships are not disposable ...but I'M not teaching him that, his father is. It becomes my job to undo whatever damage seeing this revolving door of women does to him.

We've " adopted" an ex GF because RJ bonded to her and she to him, and DH and I really enjoy her company.

So, no, I'm not going to force a relationship that was never there.

I guess it depends on your idea of abuse. I see this as neglect ( doesn't offer his child food) and emotional neglect as he pays no attention to him at all when he is there.

Toxic relationships should be cut when it starts sucking the life out of you..,, even a 13 yr old.



Quoting motherslove82:

Honestly, unless he is abusive, I would not let him cut ties with his dad. That's his father. Kids get angry. I bet if you did something to make him mad, not talking to/seeing you would not be an option. He needs to learn that people, especially family, are not expendable.





 



ETA: there is no custody agreement. His father did not want a formal visitation order through a court ( that should tell you something in and of itself). I doubt he'll go running to get it now.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
kmrtigger
by Kandice on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:52 PM
I am glad he did tell his father himself. And he handled it really great.

Give the little guy a hug for doing such an amazing job. You are raising a fine man to be.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
hollydaze1974
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:43 PM
Thank you, for the compliment. We ARE Raising men, we started raising solid men at three yrs old.

It's important to teach them skills on how to properly conduct themselves from day one, during conflicts, appropriate manners, and treating everyone with respect yet keeping your own boundaries.

Quoting kmrtigger:

I am glad he did tell his father himself. And he handled it really great.



Give the little guy a hug for doing such an amazing job. You are raising a fine man to be.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
TempestRayne
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Good.
Quoting hollydaze1974:


Barabell
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 1:48 PM

Wonderful update! I think you AND your son did a wonderful job with this. :-)

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)