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Tween Titans Tween Titans

New here...and need major HELP!

Posted by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 12:06 PM
  • 22 Replies

I have a 10 year old girl who we are having major issues with right now. Let me start off with the fact that she is not one of those "bad" kids so to speak. Meaning she doesn't do bad things, just don't listen and bad attitude.

Here's what is going on. We live by my mother in law and she goes over there frequently. They watch her while we work, but it also seems she is always over there when we're not. It's like it's more fun over there or something. My problem is when she is there, or even at my mom's house she is a role model 10 year old...pleasant, no attitude, does what she's told. When she is here, I can tell her 10 times to do the same thing and it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. The attitude is unreal, there have been times I've had to walk away from her because if not I'm afraid I would spank her(I do not believe in spanking, and at this age, I don't think it would do any good anyway) The laziness is horrendous. I'll give you an exapmle. She had my dominoes out yesterday, well last night they were still on the floor. She will tramp through the house in her shoes and drop her coat on the floor. Now at my mother in laws, she takes her shoes off and hangs her coat up. It drives me insane when I see this because why can't she do it at home?

 

I really am at my wits end and I don't know what else to do. She "has ADD", which was my excuse for her for a long time, but if she can do it elsewhere, then by golly she can do it in her own house. I am the only person she has an attitude with. She would never do it to her stepdad, they are like the best of friends and she never wants to dissapoint him. We have always had a wonderful relationship so I don't know why within the last year she thinks she can run all over me. I have spent so many hours angry and crying over this that its unreal. Please any help is greatly appreciated.

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 12:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
M4LG5
by Valeri on Jan. 17, 2013 at 12:25 PM
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First of all, if your daughter is like my daughters, they will ALWAYS want to be over Nana's house more.  Many Grandmas give them more attention.  Separate her behavior from your MIL's house and your house.  Kids will act differently with parents.  It's their job! haha

Also know that she is capable of doing many things even if she has ADD.  ADD isn't an excuse, it just means she needs to do things differently or you need to address her differently.  The biggest thing is being calm and direct.  When she leaves something out, calmy tell her to pick it up.  If she doesn't, walk over there, look in her eyes and say "Please go pick up the dominoes right now." 

With my 9 year old, my husband (her stepdad but she has always known him as her dad), tries to take the "dictator" route and demand things and all it does is cause absolute chaos.  He actually does this with all the girls.  So, if i'm in the bathroom or in my room and he is handling things, 9 out of 10 times there is some arguing between him and one of the girls and I believe its his approach. My 9 year is MUCH better at responding when I treat her more "grown up".  If she leaves something, I ask her to put it up.  If she didn't do as I said, I will reply with a calm voice and directly at her: "I asked you to do something and you didn't listen.  I need you to pick it up now so it's not in the way." 

Also, in our house TV is a big reward for the day (I admit, we like our TV).  TV is not to be turned on until 7pm......but only if chores and homework are done.  Whatever they played with before that needs to be put away.  This is an expectation all my girls have so I never really have any problems with getting them to pick up their stuff on a daily basis.

wenchmommy381
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 12:41 PM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like she's testing the waters... and in a weird way, she does it to you because you love her so much that she feels safe testing you. Her grandmothers can kick her out, and a stepfather can distance himself emotionally.

Get her at a time when she's not on your nerves and explain to her that these new actions will have consequences. It's not antagonistic-- just cause and effect. 


BKozICan
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 12:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Would checklists or visual cues help her? I am 36 with pretty severe ADD and use a lot of reminder cues for everything from morning routines to "don't forget to"s.

mommadana
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 12:49 PM

It's going to sound weird, but work WITH your MIL and find out exactly what is said there and their rules and how she enforces them.  I know it's your DD, but whatever you were doing is no longer working for whatever reason.  She's a mom and has been there, sometimes it just takes tweaking what you are already doing.  Also, has something changed for her to go over there more often?  I'm not saying this is the case, but have you done anything to have her lose respect for you.  Anything at all, like breaking a promise, or spending less time with her, or ANYTHING?  Sometimes that's all it is is finding the root cause and fixing it.  Maybe apologize that you are not able to do what you used to be able to do etc.  My DS (also nephew) lost respect for his mother and he minded me like an angel.  SHe broke promises and I didn't.  I wouldn't promise something that I couldn't keep but would say things like I will try my best to do this on this day, but if I can't then we will do it another day (like go to park and it storms, or something comes up)  I would reschedule it and do it then.

Dana    
ricepuddin
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:04 PM
2 moms liked this

SOunds like a normal 10 year old haha I got one of those.  You nailed it- her disciplinary language is "disappointment". Dr Dobson said "Fathers discipline-Mothers nurture".  So, maybe you can ask your hubby to help you out for a while, until you re-establish a routine, but you have to stick with it.  I would also make a list of Home Rules and conseuqnces.  Then, when the shoes trample through the house, say "Those trampling shoes are grounded from using the computer for the rest of the day" and smile and see how she will remember from now on.  Don;t get emotionally involved in the disciplinary process, it's kinda like training a puppy.  I even call the Puppies, because until they are 18 years old, they are Puppies still :) And spend more time bonding and doing fun things with your kid, you'll see how she flips around. Give it about 2 weeks and check back with me.  So: Father-enforces the rules (maybe even reads them to her to start with)-Mother spends fun time.  Two weeks-Go!

bamboo317
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:07 PM

There hasn't really been anything that has changed in our household. We are actually a really happy family.

My inlaws go out to eat every day and my nephews are there a good bit too. That's the onlt thing I can figure. It is almost impossible for me to talk to MIL. I have repeatedly told her no sodas and junk, the occassional treat is fine, but they drink pepsi all day long and the sweets they have is ridiculous. Anyway, the other day, 2 days after I just finished telling her too not give my daughter sweets I walk in and she has a bag of chocolate chip cookies. We are in the process of making my daughter room bigger and adding on so the last couple days she has spent the night there until we can get the mess out of her room...I went over this morning to get her and bring over to get ready for school and she says to me I have some cookies on the table for her for breakfast...grr. It took everything I had to not yell at her. I know the reason she likes it over there better is because she can do/eat whatever she wants...which is whatever but I can't seem to get her to relaize that that's not how this house goes, and she knows it. I just don't know how to fix this.

bamboo317
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:08 PM

I've tried the checklists before and they seem to work for a couple days...I'm going to reincorporate them and see how it goes.

bamboo317
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:11 PM

Rice puddin...I really love that idea. I am going to give that a try. It couldn't hurt. I'm going to go write up some rules and consequences and see how that goes. I will update you :) Thanks so much

PinkButterfly66
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:18 PM

Sounds like typical tween behaviour from a strong-willed child. You might find this book helpful.

M4LG5
by Valeri on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:25 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting ricepuddin:

SOunds like a normal 10 year old haha I got one of those.  You nailed it- her disciplinary language is "disappointment". Dr Dobson said "Fathers discipline-Mothers nurture".  So, maybe you can ask your hubby to help you out for a while, until you re-establish a routine, but you have to stick with it.  I would also make a list of Home Rules and conseuqnces.  Then, when the shoes trample through the house, say "Those trampling shoes are grounded from using the computer for the rest of the day" and smile and see how she will remember from now on.  Don;t get emotionally involved in the disciplinary process, it's kinda like training a puppy.  I even call the Puppies, because until they are 18 years old, they are Puppies still :) And spend more time bonding and doing fun things with your kid, you'll see how she flips around. Give it about 2 weeks and check back with me.  So: Father-enforces the rules (maybe even reads them to her to start with)-Mother spends fun time.  Two weeks-Go!

I personally don't like "roles" for each of us.  I believe that each of us both need to be show discipline and both need to show nurture.  In my house, the kids listen to me much more than my husband because it's about the approach but DH is still part of the process.  At the same time, we are both spending quality time with the girls in our own way.  I don't believe in the separation of the roles at all. 

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