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Tween Titans Tween Titans

Daughter's friends and their crazy moms

Posted by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 12:22 PM
  • 19 Replies

Anyone have a DD who has a mom who is WAY TOO INVOLVED???

DD is 13 - in 7th grade.

My DD is friends with a girl who's mom calls me about EVERYTHING.  It's getting out of control.  Even things that are NOT TRUE.  I understand my DD's position - she wants to remain peaceful with this girl on campus, and is afraid if she just stops talking completely it will cause drama.  But this girl tells her mother so many things that are out of left field I just don't know what to do anymore.  I understand girls will say silly things to eachother but I feel like this mother is documenting everything that's said, lol. 

My DD has not managed it very well and is not quite there yet as far as strength.  She gets scared.  I went and read through her text messages yesterday and although she tells me she doesn't want to be friends with her, her text messages are giving this little girl the wrong message.  What's more upsetting from my end is, after reading her text messages I asked her why she talks so horribly about this little girl when it clearly sounds as if she wants to be friends with her.  I 'have never disapproved of their friendship or told her that so I'm puzzled as to why my DD is like this.  It actually concerns me.

I started lecturing my DD on being "real".  And if she doesn't care for someone, it's OK to not be best friends with them.  Actually, I feel like I've been on top of these things since she was 7 or 8. 

Anyhow, I'm thinking of taking my DD's phone away from her bc all this has gotten to be strange. 

Has anyone experienced this?

 

by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 12:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Rogue35
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 12:59 PM
2 moms liked this
No thank god but good luck. I think I would likely end up having a mom to mom talk about what really is going on.
wenchmommy381
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 1:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I've not come in contact with an issue like this either, but it sounds awful. I'd give the mom a piece of my mind if she calls again with random info. It's like for her, gossip is safe if it's about kids (I think I know what that's like). And I'd tell my daughter that this relationship is starting to make trouble that I don't need. 


M4LG5
by Valeri on Jan. 23, 2013 at 1:07 PM
1 mom liked this

No, not really.  My daughter did get in the middle of friends for no reason.  She is friends with both of these girls but stayed the night at one of the girls' house.  The other one got jealous and told her mom that the other girl and my daugther was talking bad things about her.  So, this mom called me. I approached my daugther and she was seriously clueless.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  It turns out that this other little girl likes to tell stories.

Also, these girls were on my softball team last year.  The same mom was PISSED that her daughter wasn't selected to play against the all-star team (it was voted on by the parents) but I had to tell her that it was out of my hands.  She turned it into this "well, since my daugther isn't good enough...." blah, blah, blah and as soon as a spot opened up, she was happy to have her daugther be on the team.  REally?

jphil77
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 1:45 PM
Thx ladies. I almost feel like my dd is trapped in the friendship. This little girl manipulates. For example - if she wants to hang out with my dd she tells her to tell me her mom needs to talk to me. I won't call, but then her mom will call me saying, "I was told you wanted me to call you?" When I yelled at my dd for it she swore she never told her friend that. I guess what puzzles me is if these strange events happen, why does my dd continue the friendship?? Does she not get it? I have told her that this has officially gotten too strange.
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Barabell
by Barbara on Jan. 23, 2013 at 1:59 PM

If I was in your place, I would let my child know that I am there if they want support or advice about how to deal with that friend. I would not tell my child what to do. This is for the child to figure out at this age.

I would probably not engage the other parent more than I have to. If I felt the information from the other parent was not reliable, I would not even discuss it with my child.

To be honest, it sounds like YOU need to step back from this situation some. It sounds like you are move involved than you need to be.

jphil77
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 2:35 PM
Actually I didn't become involved until the mom started calling and I hear these crazy stories from my daughter. What my daughter and I discuss is between us. I don't share that with anyone. I think for anyone on this website we can say everyone is too involved to some extent and I was actually blaming myself for not bring involved enough since all this crap came from left field. I'm just trying to catch up!!


Quoting Barabell:

If I was in your place, I would let my child know that I am there if they want support or advice about how to deal with that friend. I would not tell my child what to do. This is for the child to figure out at this age.

I would probably not engage the other parent more than I have to. If I felt the information from the other parent was not reliable, I would not even discuss it with my child.

To be honest, it sounds like YOU need to step back from this situation some. It sounds like you are move involved than you need to be.


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M4LG5
by Valeri on Jan. 23, 2013 at 2:55 PM

I would say to your daughter that you are going to let her decide how she wants to handle this BUT if she is choosing to be friends with this girl, you expect her to behave like a friend and not talk bad about her.  Let her also know that unless there is a major concern, you will not interact with the mother.

Barabell
by Barbara on Jan. 23, 2013 at 3:10 PM

Maybe I'm just having trouble understanding the situation. To be honest, I know most of my son's friends, but we don't really talk to each other in the way you described the other mom talking to you. I would probably just shrug it off and not take it seriously.

Again, I would give my child advice, but at 11 years old I normally wouldn't dictate who my child could be friends with. Around that same age, my son was having frustrations with a certain friend. He liked him, but didn't like how that friend was treating him all the time. I did tell him that my son should speak up about what he didn't like and if he ever didn't want to be around the friend (i.e. come home from his house) that we would support it. Eventually, he worked through the situation, and they're still friends.

Quoting jphil77:

Actually I didn't become involved until the mom started calling and I hear these crazy stories from my daughter. What my daughter and I discuss is between us. I don't share that with anyone. I think for anyone on this website we can say everyone is too involved to some extent and I was actually blaming myself for not bring involved enough since all this crap came from left field. I'm just trying to catch up!!


Quoting Barabell:

If I was in your place, I would let my child know that I am there if they want support or advice about how to deal with that friend. I would not tell my child what to do. This is for the child to figure out at this age.

I would probably not engage the other parent more than I have to. If I felt the information from the other parent was not reliable, I would not even discuss it with my child.

To be honest, it sounds like YOU need to step back from this situation some. It sounds like you are move involved than you need to be.



jphil77
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 4:39 PM

 Hi and thanks for the feedback.  I pretty much did tell her this.  But I also told her that she should stand for what she believes in, and that if she truly does not care for this girl, and truly does not want to be friends with her, than she doesn't have to be.  But I told her if she DOES want to be friends with her, that is her decision, however I can not be involved like her the girl's mother is.  I feel like - my daughter knows how this lady is, but still continues this friendship and my daughter even knows this girl lies and is sneaky but is too nice to call her out on it.  I'm praying it doesn't cause her more harm than good bc to my understanding, the other girls in the grade don't particularly care for her.

Quoting M4LG5:

I would say to your daughter that you are going to let her decide how she wants to handle this BUT if she is choosing to be friends with this girl, you expect her to behave like a friend and not talk bad about her.  Let her also know that unless there is a major concern, you will not interact with the mother.


 

jphil77
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 4:44 PM

 Actually I didn't explain it thoroughly enough.  I AM a hard ass loving mom, (as I like to call it).  I love my daughter unconditionally, however I allow her to make her own decisions.  That is how we learn.  This is different.  We are new at this school she is at (she was accepted into a prestigous college prep school) and it's a very small community - only 36 kids in her whole 7th grade class.  I'm still getting used to the culture.  So I'm being very careful how I deal with this mom.  Anyway, I listen to my daughter.  If she tells me someone hurt her feelings, I tell her, "I am sorry that happened to you, and I'm always here....let's go eat some icecream...." I'm NOT the mom that says, "Why that little snot!  She said that to you???" LOL.  I know moms that are like that, and whatever floats your boat.  This situation is strange.  This mom believes EVERYTHING her daughter tells her.  She will tell a story about her kids like she was right there sitting in the cafeteria with them.  I call them the believer parents.  I think as parents we all know if our kids are hurt, they tend to be a bit one sided about their story so I take it with a grain of salt.  If her daughter tells her I invited her to spend the night (which I don't) her mother will just drive her over without even calling me.  I hope that paints a better picture.  And I'm being careful what I say bc I want to tell her how it is, but who knows what the daughter will do.  It's nuts.


Quoting Barabell:

Maybe I'm just having trouble understanding the situation. To be honest, I know most of my son's friends, but we don't really talk to each other in the way you described the other mom talking to you. I would probably just shrug it off and not take it seriously.

Again, I would give my child advice, but at 11 years old I normally wouldn't dictate who my child could be friends with. Around that same age, my son was having frustrations with a certain friend. He liked him, but didn't like how that friend was treating him all the time. I did tell him that my son should speak up about what he didn't like and if he ever didn't want to be around the friend (i.e. come home from his house) that we would support it. Eventually, he worked through the situation, and they're still friends.

Quoting jphil77:

Actually I didn't become involved until the mom started calling and I hear these crazy stories from my daughter. What my daughter and I discuss is between us. I don't share that with anyone. I think for anyone on this website we can say everyone is too involved to some extent and I was actually blaming myself for not bring involved enough since all this crap came from left field. I'm just trying to catch up!!


Quoting Barabell:

If I was in your place, I would let my child know that I am there if they want support or advice about how to deal with that friend. I would not tell my child what to do. This is for the child to figure out at this age.

I would probably not engage the other parent more than I have to. If I felt the information from the other parent was not reliable, I would not even discuss it with my child.

To be honest, it sounds like YOU need to step back from this situation some. It sounds like you are move involved than you need to be.




 

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