Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Tween Titans Tween Titans

Again, I am at a loss

Posted by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 7:24 AM
  • 41 Replies

I have been trying different things to work with my 11 year old son. I have made a post or 2 in here about the issues we have and they are still on going.

I am tried of the arguing, fighting and yelling. I have come to the conclusion that nothing I do will change/fix the problem. I am not sure exactly what the problem is, but I would love to fix it.

He flat out refuses to do any chores, and if he does them, he takes forever and still they are not done correctly. I tell him to do something he says no, will stand there and refuse. He is disrespectful and rude. At some point I made a mistake, a mistake that I can not correct.

I have taken everything from him, I mean packed it in bins and put it in the attic so he had nothing. I have limited how much clothes he has(won't do his laundry), so he has no choice but to wash his clothes(didn't work), I have grounded him, I have threathened to send him to spend the summer with his Aunt and Uncle(Marine), I even turned his chores to jobs and made him start paying rent, electric, water, etc so he could see what it is like to be an adult and then threathened with boot camp(he started asking to go).

I am totally at a loss as to what I have done wrong.

As long as he is doing what he wants and doesn't have to do anything, he is fine, but as soon as I open my mouth and tell him to do anything it all changes!


by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 7:24 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
TempestRayne
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 7:52 AM
Send him to boot camp.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
ThinkAgainMom
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:58 AM

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 

If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 

 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.

psych_mom
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:06 AM
I agree with most of this.

Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 


If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 


 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tonya_Lynn84
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:58 AM

When I say doing what he wants, I basically mean nothing I ask of him. He would rather sit on his bed and doing nothing then to do his chores and partake in the activities we have going on at that time.

I think my child is one of the few that has nothing that breaks him. I have spanked him, grounded him, packed up all his things, I have thrown away things of his, but still nothing! I have yelled, screamed, pleaded!! I even at one time gave money for chores, still nothing!

An example of his behavior/reaction to a situation: We(me, dh, 2ds, & dd) go outside to play basketball told him once he is done with the kitchen he could come out and play with us. We were out there we played around the world a few times, tossed around the football, me and dh sat around will they rode bikes. It was time to come in, gonna start cooking dinner and what not. He start having a fit because we are coming in and now he lost his chance to come out and play. So he goes to his room and refuses to do anything else until we go back outside so he can play. We explained to him if he had gotten it done he would have been able to come out and play with us! He kept on with his fit.


Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 

If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 

 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.


Tonya_Lynn84
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:59 AM

What don't you agree with?

Quoting psych_mom:

I agree with most of this.

Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 


If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 


 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.


psych_mom
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:02 AM

He isn't exhibiting signs of depression, because if he was, then he wouldn't care about doing the things that he is interested in either. He is just outright being defiant and disrespectful to you. I can say this because this is the area that I am training in. I work with children that come from bad homelife situations, I know the symptoms of depression and what he is doing isn't that.

Quoting Tonya_Lynn84:

What don't you agree with?

Quoting psych_mom:

I agree with most of this.

Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 


If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 


 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.



M4LG5
by Valeri on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this

Do not engage in an argument with him.  If he is totally content sitting on his bed and not doing anything.....have him do it every single time he refuses to do any chores or anything you ask him to do.  Don't argue with him even if he is talking back.  Do it every single day.  At some point, most kids crack and they start to realize they don't want to do this every single day.  Do not give up!

Quoting Tonya_Lynn84:

When I say doing what he wants, I basically mean nothing I ask of him. He would rather sit on his bed and doing nothing then to do his chores and partake in the activities we have going on at that time.

I think my child is one of the few that has nothing that breaks him. I have spanked him, grounded him, packed up all his things, I have thrown away things of his, but still nothing! I have yelled, screamed, pleaded!! I even at one time gave money for chores, still nothing!

An example of his behavior/reaction to a situation: We(me, dh, 2ds, & dd) go outside to play basketball told him once he is done with the kitchen he could come out and play with us. We were out there we played around the world a few times, tossed around the football, me and dh sat around will they rode bikes. It was time to come in, gonna start cooking dinner and what not. He start having a fit because we are coming in and now he lost his chance to come out and play. So he goes to his room and refuses to do anything else until we go back outside so he can play. We explained to him if he had gotten it done he would have been able to come out and play with us! He kept on with his fit.


Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 

If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 

 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.



Tonya_Lynn84
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:39 AM

I don't think he is depressed either!

I just wish I knew what the problem is, so to fix it!

I am tired of all this!

Quoting psych_mom:

He isn't exhibiting signs of depression, because if he was, then he wouldn't care about doing the things that he is interested in either. He is just outright being defiant and disrespectful to you. I can say this because this is the area that I am training in. I work with children that come from bad homelife situations, I know the symptoms of depression and what he is doing isn't that.

Quoting Tonya_Lynn84:

What don't you agree with?

Quoting psych_mom:

I agree with most of this.

Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 


If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 


 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.




Thelmama
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:47 AM

Maybe do the chores with him?  Working together to get them done?  How are the chores divided in the household?  Is there a rotation or specific assignments?  Just throwing out ideas. Counseling may be in order. Is he being bullied at school or somewhere which is growing anger and defiance in him? Some take it out on those they love the most.  

Again just throwing out ideas.  

A counselor might have some better ideas for behavior modication crafted for his needs after getting to know him.  I know some behavior things, but would have to know the kid etc to really know what worked etc, to get to the root of the issue. 


Tonya_Lynn84
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:47 AM

I don't think mine has a breaking point!

He is to clean the kitchen 3 times a week! Last night was his night! I gave him 2hrs to have it done. Of course it shouldn't take him that long, but considering I know that he has taken a whole day to clean the kitchen. 2hrs come and go and still not clean. After 4hrs in the kitchen he is sent to bed, with the kitchen not cleaned, leaving me with the kitchen.


Starting today he will be on his bed, when he refuses to do anything! I will figure this out!

Quoting M4LG5:

Do not engage in an argument with him.  If he is totally content sitting on his bed and not doing anything.....have him do it every single time he refuses to do any chores or anything you ask him to do.  Don't argue with him even if he is talking back.  Do it every single day.  At some point, most kids crack and they start to realize they don't want to do this every single day.  Do not give up!

Quoting Tonya_Lynn84:

When I say doing what he wants, I basically mean nothing I ask of him. He would rather sit on his bed and doing nothing then to do his chores and partake in the activities we have going on at that time.

I think my child is one of the few that has nothing that breaks him. I have spanked him, grounded him, packed up all his things, I have thrown away things of his, but still nothing! I have yelled, screamed, pleaded!! I even at one time gave money for chores, still nothing!

An example of his behavior/reaction to a situation: We(me, dh, 2ds, & dd) go outside to play basketball told him once he is done with the kitchen he could come out and play with us. We were out there we played around the world a few times, tossed around the football, me and dh sat around will they rode bikes. It was time to come in, gonna start cooking dinner and what not. He start having a fit because we are coming in and now he lost his chance to come out and play. So he goes to his room and refuses to do anything else until we go back outside so he can play. We explained to him if he had gotten it done he would have been able to come out and play with us! He kept on with his fit.


Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

If you have taken everything away, how can he "do what he wants"?  What is it that he is doing? 

If he still has access to anything electronic, you have not taken away what is most important to most kids.  Is he reading, playing with Lego, basketball with friends?  Whatever it is that "he wants to do" is what needs to go away until he handles his responsibilities.  It is not too late at 11,. 

 If all he can do is sit on the couch and stare at the walls and he is still unmotivated, he needs a therapist, really a psychiatriatrist as he may be depressed.  If he is not depressed, boot camp may be a good idea.




Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)