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Advice Needed: My daughter is 11 and insistent on having a boyfriend...

Posted by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 12:46 PM
  • 11 Replies

My daughter is 11, and insistant on having a boyfriend. She hides it from us, lies, and goes behind our backs. I have tried everything to keep her from being around boys. She doesn't go anywhere without me or another family member, she doesn't have a phone, internet usage is supervised etc. The only way she is contacting boys is at school. I feel bad that she is on "lock down" and I want things to be better for her, but I can't trust her.  I've thought about allowing her to have a boyfriend and just controlling the situation as far as when and where they see eachother or talk.  I feel that is the only way I will remain in control and in the loop.  But of course my husband is not on board with that at all.  We found out the hard way that there is a huge problem with kids her age regarding pornography and messing around physically and this whole thing scares me, if she's hiding one thing from me, she'll hide other things that are way more serious.  Help!

by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 12:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Morrigan333
by Bronze Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 12:51 PM

At that age mostly it's all about just "hanging out". Maybe hand holding sitting together at lunch. There was one girl here that has had sex "at an early age" as she writes on her own facebookpage(big ass mistake). But that girl seems to cry herself to sleep now, because everyone in the community has been calling her a whorre, and what's worse is she kinda is...she is now 12 and dating a 15 y old with her parents approval if you can believe that shit!

M4LG5
by Valeri on Mar. 6, 2013 at 12:55 PM
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I would also hope to hold my girls off from having a boyfriend as long as possible BUT they are going to do what they want when you can't see it.  I think at this point you want to encourage an open communication about it and, together, define what that means to have a boyfriend.  Of course, your rules are your rules and she isn't allowed to do certain things but maybe allowing her "hang out" at school is okay. 

KaitAshNMe
by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 1:10 PM

I agree, she is going to do what she wants to do.  I had just hoped to raise her in a way that she takes our rules into consideration and what she wants to do is what is right.  I know I didn't always do that but that was when I was way older...not 11!  I'm just concerned with how fast everyone is moving these days, especially kids in her age group.  I want to find a happy medium for all of us but I think having a boyfriend at 11 is ridiculous.  If she can't listen to me now, how will she listen to me if I do allow her to have a boyfriend and he suggests something she knows they shouldn't do?  I know it's worst case scenario, but it happens unfortunately.  It's so frustrating!  I just want to lock her up!  LOL

M4LG5
by Valeri on Mar. 6, 2013 at 2:40 PM
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Quoting KaitAshNMe:

I agree, she is going to do what she wants to do.  I had just hoped to raise her in a way that she takes our rules into consideration and what she wants to do is what is right.  I know I didn't always do that but that was when I was way older...not 11!  I'm just concerned with how fast everyone is moving these days, especially kids in her age group.  I want to find a happy medium for all of us but I think having a boyfriend at 11 is ridiculous.  If she can't listen to me now, how will she listen to me if I do allow her to have a boyfriend and he suggests something she knows they shouldn't do?  I know it's worst case scenario, but it happens unfortunately.  It's so frustrating!  I just want to lock her up!  LOL

I think the best you can do right now is to have a relationship that feels trusted on both ends....trust that she can go to you and trust that you are going to go crazy!  hahaha

steelcrazy
by Silver Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 5:54 PM

You need to talk with her often, talk about sex, talk about your values, talk about friendships, talk about everything and anything.  You want her to be comfortable sharing everything and anything with you.  You also have to remember that you can't control another person and trying to will only end in disaster.  The harder that you push her on the subject, the harder that she is going to rebel.  So you need to find a happy medium that you both are comfortable with.

psych_mom
by Stacy on Mar. 6, 2013 at 9:26 PM
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My son is 12- he has had a "girlfriend" since last Feb. They saw each other at school then and that was all. They didn't talk to each other over the summer, saw each other at a football game in the fall, would trade notes back and forth between his 10 year old brother, saw each other in Dec at his birthday party (my house with lots of adults around) and then started talking on the phone every now and then, saw each other in Feb for her birthday (her house with constant supervision) and since then, only the phone again. He knows our rules, he knows boundaries and we have had ongoing talks about sex. He is allowed to have her for a girlfriend because we trust him and her parents trust her. We realize we can't stop them from growing up, but if we are present and constantly talk to them, then we can make sure they are better armed to make good decisions.

kerri1205
by Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 9:33 AM

This has been a huge topic in or house with our 6th grade boy (12 next month).  He has had a couple of girlfriends and my husband gets very upset about it.  For him, having a"girlfriend" is just texting her - and I check his texts every night.  We have found that within 24 hours some of the girls start saying they love him -- it has prompted us to have many discussions about the word and feeling of love and also how easy it is to "say" something on text because it is what is expected, even if it is not true.  I am really working with my husband not to be so negative on the girlfriend label, but to use all of this as a springboard for new level of communication.  I wish we were not already having these discussions with him, but I would rather accept that this is where he is and talk to him openly about it than tell him it is wrong and have him hide it from us.

elkmomma
by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 12:39 PM

I just don't know.  DS is 12 and thinks he has to have a GF because EVERY ONE ELSE has one.  I have sat with him and let him explain what having a GF means and I try really really really hard not to laugh over his explanation.  We now have a list of good qualities and expectations for the GF (when he actually gets one) and a list list of expectations for his BF role.  For us it's more about peer pressure at school and he really doesn't quite understand it all.  I think it's just confusing and scary for all of us today. 

luvmy2gurlz0405
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 12:07 PM

I would really find out her definition of a boyfriend before you freak out. My dd is 10, and she had her first crush this year, she and I talked A LOT about it. Well he asker her out lol...and she wouldn't say yes without my permission bc I told her no boyfriends. But once I realized what a boyfriend/girlfriend was at that age at her school, I gave in. Because it consists of sitting together at lunch (which they were already doing) playing football, oh and he gives her gum. So basically the label is just so everyone knows they like each other, which the whole world already knew...lol. Don't panic and assume the worst. You might push her to hide things from you. Keep an open mind about it. My DH knows about the crush, but she hasn't told him they were "going out" and honestly I am not going to make her. They do not have phones or facebook. So there is no actual talking or "dating" other than hanging out at school.

Roo1234
by Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 1:14 PM

why is attaching herself to a boy temporarily so important to her?

Rather thanfocusing on  lecturing and denying and trying to prevent, you should be listening to her and finding out why she values this idea so much.  You can't outmaneuver her until you know her motivations and her reasoning.

I think a lot of kids who act like this are very socially aware and self-concious.  They worry so much about being "different" that they only define themselves by how others see them.  This is such a huge risk to healthy choices and strong life.  I would open up the conversation and listen to her without comment.  I would then seek other outlets for her to strengthen her sense of self and her sense of accomplishment so she isn't seeking validation from other people liking her.

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