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My 11 year old step-son has his first girlfriend...

Posted by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:22 PM
  • 6 Replies
And I'm not sure what to do if anything. He hasn't actually told us he has a girlfriend. She sent a text to him while I was updating apps on his phone(something he was aware I was doing. He knows that the phone can be scrutinized by myself or his Dad) I know he doesn't see her except at school. On the weekends he's with his mom across town. I know my stepson is smart and a good kid. I'm also not dumb enough to think that he has no life of his own and might possibly be different around his friends and this new girlfried. I don't know if my husband should have "the talk" they had a modified version last year when he was studying human development in school but what was academic then might be more practical now. I also need to say that while I love my husband very much he is quite proud he lost his virginity at 13 and that he had lots of girlfriends etc... Not something I want my son to emulate so... not sure what to do. My step-son also has a FB acct that he doens't use much and I'm wondering if I need to beef my request for access to his accts. Just FYI we have full custody his mom has visitation only and she's a recovering alcoholic. She is struggling to get herself back togehter so I don't think this is something she is equipped to handle right now. Suggestions, first hand info in similar situations, anything helps? Thanks Ladies! :)
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:22 PM
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by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 6:57 PM

I would talk to him about the GF.  In our house, we have a NO DATING until you're in HS rule.  It has been easily and happily accepted by DS -14 and DD -11.  However, I am aware of friends of DD who were actually BF/GF at 10, and going to movie dates at each other's house.  I personally find that unacceptable.  People have their entire adult life - usually 60 to 70 years, to experience the joy and agnst of relationships and sex.  I don't see ANY reason to start when you are a child.

Sounds like you and DH need to have some conversations and  to get on the same page about dating and teen sex, however.  Your step-son seems to be opening a can of worms you need to deal with.

I would find out what DSS' idea of a GF is. If they only see each other at school, it may be how my DD describes 'dating' at her current Middle School. (Which she finds very amusing.) "Your BF/GF is someone you have a pretend relationship with.  The most important part being that you agree not to pretend to have a relationship with anyone else at the same time."

After you talk to your son, DH should definitely have a full sex talk, birth control, sexually transmitted disease conversation with him.  You can actually talk to him together about values, in terms of relationships and sex (if you can agree). You should also let his mother know that he has a GF and is or is not allowed to see her, just in case he tries to get together with the girl when he is with BM.

by Valeri on Mar. 20, 2013 at 7:10 PM

I would have a discussion with him about this girl and what he thinks of her.  It could be very innocent.  Kids are going to do it with or without your permission for the most part.  Encourage an open communication about how he feels about her, what he likes about her, etc and that way if he has questions, he would be more willing to ask instead of feeling guilty for liking her.  After that, in times that are casual (i think they participate more) talk about being safe, etc.

by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 12:22 PM

My son just had his first girlfriend too.  He will be 12 next month.  The first thing that I id was ask what that term meant for a 6th grader and he honestly sid he wasn't sure.  He just got a cell phone with texting that I monitor closely and does not yet have FB (I will not allow it until I feel confident he is handling texting in a mature way) -- once on FB, I will have his password as a condition of it being on there.  One thing that we are really stressing to him is that since the girlfriend thing is just texting right now -- things that are texted cannot be taken back easily and can be thought of in ways other than the way he intended.  He has been open and honest that other 6th graders have kissed and insists he hasn't.  We talk about how they are too young for that and what it means to actually build a relationship.  We have noticed how quickly the girls are to use the word love and have had discussions on how powerful of a word that really is and when it is and is not appropriate.  I feel very strongly in allowing these relationships, as it is a way to learn to relate to the other sex in another way, but I do keep a very close eye on it.

by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 8:14 AM

My daughter just turned 10, and we're wading into this murky water too!  She knows she's too young, but her friends have "boyfriends."  I did the same thing Kerri1205 did and asked my DD what she thought having a boyfriend meant.  She said it meant that you held hands with a boy under the table when the teacher wasn't looking!  LOL

I think its never a bad thing to keep the lines of communication open and talk to your son about this.  And with so many opportunities for kids to be influenced wrongly these days, having access to everything - texting, Facebook, Twitter, etc - is good for his protection and your peace of mind.  There's just too much that our kids can be exposed to prematurely, and while it's true that kids grow up too fast these days, we can always do our part to protect them a bit.

So what do you think you're going to do?  I'm curious, because I fear I may have to have many more discussions with my own DD, and I'd like to know how it went for you.  Good luck!

by Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:43 AM

I would just ask him what his idea of a girlfriend is. My 10 year old daughter came home and said that her crush was going to ask her And she wanted to know what could she say. I asked her what it meant to "go out" and she said nothing, just that he likes her and she likes him. There are no hand holding, "movie dates", they don't have cell phones so no texting or talking. Just see each other at school. He gives her gum lol, and sits next to her at lunch. Sometimes they play football. So really it does depend on what their idea of "dating" is. In my daughters case its completely innocent, so it doesn't bother me

by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:59 AM
My 11 year old DD has a boy that she has called her boyfriend for over a year now. He's a sweet boy, but as far as I can tell from talking to her and from observing, her relationship with him isn't much different from her relationship with her other friends. They are not allowed to go places together and they don't see each other outside of school. We just moved and she changed schools, so now they just talk on the phone. We have had talks about sex and relationships many times already. I know some kids her age get in troue with this kind of thing, but she is closely watched. I also don't see having a boyfriend as being the same as dating. Dating will not be allowed until she is much older. Calling a boy her boyfriend is harmless. I did that as young as kindergarten. You should find out what it means for her to be his girlfriend. Tell him what is allowed (no kissing, no dates, no being alone together,etc) and watch them closely. I would also not ask for access to his Facebook account. DD knew when she got one that I would have the passwords (for a long time SHE didn't have the password. She could only get on if I signed her in). She accepts no friend request without asking and I will be on there monitoring her activity. Tell him that you have access to the account or he won't have access to a computer. Period.
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