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Tween Titans Tween Titans

Having problems with my 12 year old daughter

Posted by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 10:33 AM
  • 15 Replies

I just need some advice please:) I have a daughter that just turned 12 in December. For the past few months she has had the worst attitude. She back talks my husband and I and is really mean to her brother. She recently told me that she has a boyfriend that she made out with!!! We told her she is not allowed to have a boyfriend until she is 16 and she won't listen to us. We have taken away all electronic devices from her because she will not stop texting him.  Last night she threatened to run away. I just don't know what to do with her! I don't usually spank her but last night she would not stop back talking and smart mouthing so I slapped her and she still kept smart mouthing me!!!!! It doesn't seem to matter how we punish her or what we take away she just won't stop!!!!


Help!

by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 10:33 AM
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Zamaria
by Silver Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 11:29 AM
3 moms liked this
Take everything she has except two pair of pants, two shirts, two pair of socks, underwear, a pair of shoes, two pajamas, a bed, blankets and pillow, basic hygiene products (no perfume or lip gloss, etc.) everything except what you are legally required to provide for her. Tv, books, EVERYTHING. It should all be put into bags or boxes and put in your room or somewhere she can't get into it. Let her earn her things back one at a time by behaving herself. If she gets sassy, disobeys, etc she doesn't get anything back for that day. You should choose what she gets back each day, beginning with some extra clothing. If she earns something back three days out of the week, let her choose an extra item for the weekend like a book or an hour or two of tv or a movie. If she does exceptionally well one day, give her something extra back. Make her earn her things and her privileges. When you don't have any major issues with her for a month or two you can give it all back if you want to. It sounds super harsh, and it is a lot of hassle for the parents, but it works. I did it with my 14 year old son last year. He had to wear khakis and a polo shirt to school each day, but his teachers were really impressed with the change in his attitude and performance at school, and his attitude and smart mouth really improved at home. It works and it works fast. You have to be a little patient with the smart mouth thing too. It is a habit, and habits are hard to break. A lot of times sassy responses just pop out without them thinking about it, so when mine got smart with me I would stop him and say something like "you are being rude. I want to hear what you want to say, but you can't say it like that. Say it again in a respectful way." even if it was something like he didn't think I was being fair, or something like that, he is allowed to express his thoughts and feelings, but he has to do it in a respectful tone. Most of the time he can calm himself down and say it respectfully. If he doesn't, he is grounded and can't do anything except chores for the rest of the day. Good luck! The hormonal rollercoaster during the tween and teen years is sooooo frustrating at times, but if you get it under control early you'll start to see some amazing developments in her personality and you'll be able to enjoy being around her in a way that you haven't been able to before, not as a little kid but as a young lady with thoughts and opinions and her own personality, not just snark and crankiness and drama. They are some of the most difficult years of raising kids, but they can also be rewarding and a lot of fun! Don't get discouraged, hang in there. Crack down on it now, teach her how to be a pleasant person with respect for others and their feelings and respect for herself. She will thank you for it someday! I found a text on my son's phone where a girl asked him "is your mom really mean or something?" he texted her back "No, she just loves me a lot." they do understand that you do it because you love them and want the best for them!
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BRIDGET32
by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 11:43 AM

Thank you so much for your response. Last night I took all her clothes away except the uniforms she wears to school. She kept smarting off so my husband took her bedroom door off and that's when she said she is going to run away.

 Hopefully something good comes out of all of this. It has been a battle that's for sure.

craftyzenmom
by Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 11:49 AM
2 moms liked this

I did sort of the same thing last year when my 9 yr old daughter was being really rude. We emptied out her bedroom except for essentials and she had to earn it back. She figured it out pretty quick. Maybe you could keep her super busy with chores, after school classes, excercise...don't give her much time to text and be a stinker. My 13 yr. old twin boys are always doing something and that seems to keep the hormones channeled in the right direction. I know there are no doubt rough seas ahead with all of them! Good luck, I hope something clicks for you guys.

Zamaria
by Silver Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 12:52 PM
2 moms liked this
I hope it helps! They can be sooo difficult at that age! Not quite grown, but not really kids anymore either, I remember that from when I was that age soooo well. It's a difficult time for everyone. But you'll get through it!

Quoting BRIDGET32:

Thank you so much for your response. Last night I took all her clothes away except the uniforms she wears to school. She kept smarting off so my husband took her bedroom door off and that's when she said she is going to run away.

 Hopefully something good comes out of all of this. It has been a battle that's for sure.

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MissyB1011
by Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 9:57 PM
2 moms liked this

 I did the door removal a couple of years ago with my DD who is now 10. She would get so mad and instead of talking she would stomp upstairs and slam her door after getting nasty and mouthy. I gave her a warning for 2 days in a row that the next time she did it I would take her door off the hinges. Day 3 rolled around and the same thing happened. I pulled out my trusty screwdriver and popped that door right off the hinges and walked it up to our garage. I left it off a month to teach her a really good lesson. We have had no back talk and major nastiness since.

Good luck with your DD.

lazyd
by Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 6:27 PM

Good Luck!  Sorry to say it only gets worse!  My son is SN & has sooo many problems, but I would take him ANY DAY over dealing with my daughter's attitude!  Girls are just BAD!  

bingogurl
by on Jan. 30, 2014 at 9:18 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with the other moms as well. I also don't know if this will help, but when my 10 yr was younger and gave me problems (wanting to run away, being physically violent, hurting his siblings), I told him that his behavior is going to get me to call 9-1-1 and have him arrested. I even went so far as to drive him to the police station and have an officer explain what the consequences for his actions could be. Have you ever watched Beyond Scared Straight? I've had my 11yr daughter and 10yr son watch certain episodes (that I felt were related to any issues we had) and told them that if they didn't behave they were going to be sent there. Never had a major problem again.

justamom780
by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 11:25 PM

I could of written your post only my daughter is more out of control than yours. She's 12 will be 13 in 3 weeks. Lying, sexual, hormonal, not minding, failing school, mean to siblings and adults, my list goes on and on. I started out explaining the consequences of her actions and I got the "you don't know anything" attitude, so I took away stuff, I punished, I yelled, I cried, I stayed calm, I got angry, nothing worked. I put her in individual counseling, family counseling, and even started going for myself (determined i was/am failing as a parent). In the end and with the counselors referral I reluctantly placed her in a behavioral health care center. I am praying it helps, but am fearful it won't and then I worry what I'll do with her if this doesn't work! Many (((HUGS!!!))) to you!

KenneMaw
by on Feb. 26, 2014 at 7:03 PM

My DD will be 13 soon and we have seen a bit of backtalking, but not too bad.  This may be a very odd suggestion, but whenever she gets all mean, why don't you make her to exercise - like jumping jacks, push ups, etc...   She has to many emotions and no outlet, so she may become mouthy, mean, etc...just because it is all bottled up. She needs a healthy outlet for all of the garbage.  Get her a punching bag to hit.   

I really believe that tweens and young teens are just like toddlers.  They are so frustrated that they are not litlte kids, not adults, have all of these crazy feelings, so many decisions about school, etc....that is all just gets too much for them so they become rude, nasty kids but deep down, they are good kids.

M4LG5
by Valeri on Feb. 26, 2014 at 7:13 PM

I agree with many of these women but, when you have a chance, get into as calm of a position as you can and talk to her.  Talk to the point that you are mostly listening.  Ask her about her, what she is interested in, what is happening in her life.  I know she will still have attitude and it may not stop this but try to get her perspective and where she is at in her mind and then take action.

It could be a lot of reasons or no reasons.  Talk...but most listen.

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