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Tween cousin issues

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:29 AM
  • 6 Replies

Hi everyone!  I have an 11 year old daughter and a 12 year old niece.  The problem I am having is that my niece is going through a really brutal attitude phase and is completely rude to everyone.  I understand this could be a phase etc and that is fine, my sister-in-law is at her wits end trying to nip it in the butt.  The problem is that my daughter who is an outspoken personality doesn't put up with it and when my neice is rude she will put her in her place.  My sis in law will then hear about it from her daughter that my daughter said something to her and she didn't like it etc. etc.  meanwhile I'm completely aware of the story already and I deal with my end and don't run to her with everything that happens.  I feel they can sort this out on their own, when it comes to this stuff.  So when my sis in law tells me about whatever situation, I tell her that I'm already aware of what happened however the version I got is my daughter said she was standing up for herself.  Everytime this happens somehow she turns it around onto my kids excusing her daughters behaviour that is public knowledge.  It drives me nuts since she thinks her kids can't lie and her other sis in law complains about the same thing with her.  She doesn't hesitate to come to us with stuff about the kids but soon as we come to her she always turns it around!  We are super close and I don't want to start a fight but I definitely want to deal with this, and my brother is just as guilty.  I don't know what to do!!  Even my teen daughter witnesses stuff and will let us know but somehow she even gets blame somehow!

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:29 AM
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Replies (1-6):
M4LG5
by Valeri on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:21 AM
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 Have the adults go out for coffee and talk about the attitudes (on both ends).  Do not point fingers but try to relate to each other and come up with something you BOTH do to your OWN child.....not the other person's child.

My sister and I are really close and our daughters are 8 months apart.  If she was to come to me and say "Your daughter is having a big attitude problem", I would defend her quickly.  If she said, "I can see her tween attitude that my daughter has too" then I'd be more engaged because she is being empathetic.

If she comes to you about your daughter, I would say "Please don't or I will say something about your daughter and i don't want to."

Willow-wisp
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:26 AM

Thanks so much!  It's so hard because she is the one telling me about all these things her daughter is doing to everyone and then when she does something to one of my kids she's so quick to justify and lay blame on my kids but yet I'm not the one coming to her it's my niece twisting stuff so she approaches me first.  It's so frustrating especially when it's family LOL!

M4LG5
by Valeri on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:39 AM
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 Oh, it is very difficult with family.  To me, once blame happens, I stop the conversation before it gets out of hand.  Tell her,  "I will listen to you when you need to vent or express your concerns about your daughter because I can relate but once you blame my daughter for your daughter's action, I stop listening."

Quoting Willow-wisp:

Thanks so much!  It's so hard because she is the one telling me about all these things her daughter is doing to everyone and then when she does something to one of my kids she's so quick to justify and lay blame on my kids but yet I'm not the one coming to her it's my niece twisting stuff so she approaches me first.  It's so frustrating especially when it's family LOL!

 

ljmom24
by Bronze Member on Feb. 19, 2015 at 5:47 AM
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Id probably be blunt. They are 11 and 12 they can solve their own disputes and I'd come right out and say I dont get involved in my kids battles anymore. They aren't even teens so attitudes will be worse. One lesson they need to learn is consequences of their attitudes. If mom steps in all the time it's enabling her attitude. I'd point out they are both going throw this and its going to be a long ride and we can't pick sides because of course you are going to pick your dd and me mine or we form our own parent alliance and do our best to weather the teen years.

awbredux
by Allie on Feb. 21, 2015 at 9:01 AM

I think non-judgmental conversation between parents is a good idea.   You're family and in it together.   Best for parents to be on the same page.   My situation is a little different.  My 10y/o and her cousin get along fine.  The problem is they sometimes inspire each other to push rules further and further when they are together.  I.e., they find it easier to get into trouble when they have an accomplice.   I've talked with my sister about this.  Since she was always better-behaved than I was growing up, I hoped she didn't blame my daughter, who admittedly likes to be a smart ass sometimes.   No, she didn't and said her daughter is no angel herself.   We discussed how much we could let them be kids and where we'd draw the line.   It's an on-going conversation.   

calsmom62
by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 8:00 PM
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Id definitely talk to sis in law and say ya know, the girls are getting to that catty mean girl or dramatic teen age and if we field every tale or drama tidbit they feed us we will need more wine !!! So could we agree to form a mom wall and whenever the girls start to complain about each other we simply tell them its between the two if them?? Of course if the issue involves true danger ( drugs self injury etc) then they can tattle...
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