Goo morning ladies. Last night My dd and I really had a horrible fight to the point where i had to leave my house and just drive for a little while to cool down...This fight was all over her bedroom and keeping it clean. Her dad and I have begged for weeks for her to clean it and we really stepped down on her about it last night, out school system does not have school today and tomorrow. So we figured she would have more than enought time to clean the room yesterday and enjoy her 2 days off and study for her socail studies test, but when I pushed her on the issue I had her screaming at me "i wish you would go away and I hate you" and to be honest i did feel like i wanted to go away...Any advise on how to get threw this phase with grace and loosing my childs comunucation would be really helpful right now...tanks and have a good day
Can you lower your standard and encourage your daughter to raise hers just a bit? Seems like this doesn't have to be a battle. It is her room afterall. Her room doesn't reflect your parenting or your value. Set a simple standard: make your bed, get dirty clothes to the wash, keep a path cleared as an exit plan in case of fire. Whatever you decide, just break it down. Her room is her sanctuary, not yours.
Sorry youre going through this!!! My son is going to be 12 in two weeks, we've had minor fights but I know the day is coming. My ex-step daughter (ex husbands daughter) lived with us till my ex left and boy did we go at it. Id have to say the worst part is that my ex totally let her do whaever she wanted and undermined me at all times. I hope you & yr hubby are standing together. You, and yr hubby need to sit down with her and tell her what is expected of her...in CALM VOICES (she may raise hers but you guys dont). Make sure you are not the sole disciplinarian! Let hubby handle some of the battles! This is VERY IMPORTANT because she will see its not you being an evil witch and that bot parents are standing together on whatever the issue may be. My stepdaughter was soooo messy would NEVER clean her room and I got from my ex was "My room used to be messy too when I was her age"...which he would say in front of his daughter. Needless to say he was pretty red-faced when I finally cleaned her room for her and found she had been throwing usedv sanitary napkins under her bed and bloody underwear. He left me shortly after that for another woman. So GOOD LUCK and if you ever want to talk just send a message!!!!
itssweetness
Its a battle at my house too. I agree with the PP to a point and I disagree to a point. If my daughters room was just a little clutter here and there and bed not made and just looking like a tween room, then it wouldn't be a battle. What it looks like is every item of clothing she owns is in the floor. We don't know whats clean and whats dirty because she takes her piles of clean clothes that I neatly lay on her bed for her to put away and she shoves them in the floor. Everything is in the floor. Most of her room is cut up paper or trash that she has created while working on things and the newest mess is candy wrappers. Its intolerable. SO what we did was clean her room for her and hauled out 3 garbage bags of trash. We put away her clothes and put away her stuffed animals. She really doesn't have any toys. I informed her that if she continues to treat her clothes badly by throwing them in the floor and not hanging them up after I have gone through the trouble to wash them for her, then I would be removing everything from her room. Her excuse is that she doesn't like to clean. She is adamant that she doesnt like to clean, but not enough to save her animals. I just don't get it. Yes its her sanctuary, but its in my house and there has to be a minimum of acceptable standards.
We went through the very messy bedroom with my oldest (20). She has not outgrown this but is better. At one point we went in and emptied her room when she was gone, when she came home she needed to clean up her room before bed. She was pissed but we told her if she had no respect for her things she would have an empty bedroom. She choose to clean it not have it empty. So now when it starts to get bad we remind her we can clean it and dispose of things for her. Good luck it can get better if you maintain ground.
Tenisma of 2
. I just don't get it. Yes its her sanctuary, but its in my house and there has to be a minimum of acceptable standards.
I agree.
There are two problems here that I can see. The first is the whole room thing. The second is the "I hate you leave me alone" thing.
We have battled this room problem too. We finally settled on a path that keeps me from yelling and makes them responsible. On Monday I tack their allowance on the cork board. If... Their rooms and chores are done each day. ( yes.. EACH DAY) they get to take the money the following Monday. (I then replace it) Also.. If by Friday morning before school their room isn't passable ( not perfect.. passable) There are no weekend outings with friends or friends over. Its up to them to have company or not.
My eldest yelled " I hate you" at me. I was so floored. We don't use the word hate in the house, we don't use stupid or any cuss words. If we are short of an adjective we pull out a dictionary, generally by the time we find the word we want we are giggling and the subject is diffused. So.. I turned to the dictionary again. I had her look up the word Hate.. what it means and i asked her directly if thats what she actually feels about me. She said no, that she thought it just meant she was very very angry. ( even though this kid is not a moron, I believe her) She then wrote out sentences for me, about how she feels without using hateful terms. She was surprised that what she felt when broken down looked something like
I dont' like that you are the boss of me ( I didn't like it either but I am responsible for you, that means authority. You must respect it. There are no other alternitives)
I don't like that you tell me what to do ( I don't like that I need to tell you what to do. You have been taught what to do, now its your choice to do it or deal with the outcome)
I don't think my room has anything to do with you. ( your room is in our home. You come into my room to hang with me, I go to your room to tuck you in, its our house we will respect it and take care of it.)
I want to spend my time reading or playing ( of course you do. I also prefer fun things to work. Life dictates we must work to meet our needs, playtime comes after. You know this)
What does it matter if my room is a mess, no one see's it ( I see it, you see it, when your friends come over they see it, maybe it doesn't embarrass you but it does me. My feelings count just as much as yours do)
Its not fair, my friends don't have to do this much work. ( your friends also don't have 9 pets, They dont' have me as a mother, take a serious look around at your friends lives.. DO you realy really want to live as they do?)
I can find everything I want to find so whats the big deal ( You can't find it. How many times at the last minute can you not find your cleats? Your book bag? Your hair clips or jewelry? Where is your fairy jewelry set, weren't you just so upset cause it is lost?
For My daughter to know that its not her choice is okay.. Kids are supposed to obey and they are supposed to not enjoy it. I personally dislike dishes soooooo much. Yet they are done 2x a day. We all do things we dislike because they are what is right. Even if skipping it once in a while would be okay. Its my job to teach her that. At 11.. she is way old enough to do so.
Ceajae
Ceajae......you are my hero!....LOL...I think I am going to copy that. I have heard those phrases so many times and like you, I don't like words like hate, shut up, stupid (in reference of name calling) and yet, it seems like I have allowed them to be a part of my home. I am not happy about it and I think this is an excellent way to change this behavior. I explained to my 10 yr old that I hate to clean too, but I have to do it. She wouldn't like it if I let this house get to what her room looked like.
Set firm and visual rules. Don't bother with rules you are not going to enforce. Each of my children (5) have a "household resp" chart next to their light switch under their chart is a list of "helpful reminders" including the consequences for not doing their chores. For instance all my children have had me hand them a trash bag and say "everything on the floor is now trash" Sure, they got mad but I reminded them that they make their own choices and my consequencies are much less than society's. When I gave them their charts we all had a talk about rules of society and my job as a parent to teach them to make good choices etc.... I have drilled in to their heads that they make their own choices and if they chose to break a rule they also chose the consequence. I get the I hate you's from the oldest and I just respond "that's fine you are intitled to your feelings" He just has to keep it in his room and not my face. Talk to her when she is calm and explain your job as a parent, tell her the truth it's not always fun but explain how your effort in teaching her is because you love her otherwise you woulden't bother with all the hard work.
MY YOUNGEST SON (ALMOST 15)HATES TO CLEAN HIS ROOM..WE USE TO HAVE THOSE BATTLES.HE'LL START OFF WITH "MOM I'LL CLEAN IT LATER,I PROMISE""THE NEXT DAY,SAME THING.WELL I GO WITH THE THREE STRIKES THING ! I DON'T YELL,OR ARGUE.THIRD DAY,LAST TIME I'LL ASK ! HE'LL COME TO ME AND ASK CAN HE RIDE HIS DIRT BIKE,I'LL ASK IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN ?HE'LL SAY NO,WELL I'LL SAY NO TO RIDING TODAY.HE HAS COME TO LEARN,HIS ROOM NEEDS TO STAY CLEAN OR HE DOESN'T RIDE,HUNT, FISH OR HANG OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS UNLESS IT'S DONE.SAME THING WITH HIS GRADES.IT USE TO BE "I HATE YOU"AND I'LL TELL HIM "BUT I LOVE YOU"AND STICK WITH MY RULE.AFTER AWHILE HE'LL STOP FUSSING AND YELLING AND REALIZE IT'S SOMETHING HE HAS TO DO..I TOLD HIM WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I CAME TO YOU YELLING AND FUSSING EVERYTIME I HAD TO COOK DINNER,WASH YOUR CLOTHES,OR CLEAN THE HOUSE?YOU'LL GET REAL TIRED OF HEARING MY MOUTH ! AND I DID FOR ONE WEEK...JUST TO SHOW THEM HOW THEY ACT.....MY HUSBAND THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY ! HE'LL STILL TRY TO PUT IF OFF,BUT HE KNOWS,HE'S GOING TO ASK ME IF HE CAN DO SOMETHING AND HE KNOWS WHAT MY ANSWER WILL BE.
Thank God I have other wiser parents to borrow from! There is one lady at my school who serves with me on Booster club.. I constantly tell her I want to be here when I grow up.
Quoting momofsaee:
Ceajae......you are my hero!....LOL...I think I am going to copy that. I have heard those phrases so many times and like you, I don't like words like hate, shut up, stupid (in reference of name calling) and yet, it seems like I have allowed them to be a part of my home. I am not happy about it and I think this is an excellent way to change this behavior. I explained to my 10 yr old that I hate to clean too, but I have to do it. She wouldn't like it if I let this house get to what her room looked like.
Ceajae
Thank you so many of these things i have already tried..the hate word has been talked about in our house, she knows what the word means and i guess that is the part that hurt the most in all of this...the room is only the symptom of the issue i guess...i have let the room go to a point but whe you have half eten food an dants int he house there has to be a limit to the standard of living for that kid too...Ladies thank you so much for all your words and advise...Some i will be applying to the household... i hope you all have a wonderful day and again thanks, glad to know its not just my kids that cant stand to be remotley clean...
Back at it TUESDAY
- dawnyz
on Nov. 3, 2008 at 8:43 AM