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How and when to have THE TALK

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 1:04 AM
  • 19 Replies

I have a 10 year old daughter, and I am wondering when to have the "talk". 

I knew about sex at her age, so I am wondering if she does, but I really can't muster up the courage to talk to her about it.

She is also showing signs of puberty (underarm hairs, breast buds) so I think I need to talk to her about those changes and the upcoming period milestone.

When did you or when do you plan to have the talk?

Any tips or suggestions about how to start it off and what to say??

THANKS!!!!!!

 

in lovelistening to tunesboy on a swingice creampregnant belly

by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 1:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
NewMexMom
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 2:26 AM

Hi!  I'm a mom of two girls- 11 & 9 yrs. old.  I've had the puberty changes talk with both my girls, but haven't actually had the "other talk" with them yet.  I was thinking of checking out a library book or something like that to give me ideas on how to start.  I do know that kids these days are learning things and doing things so much earlier than when I was a kid!  I'm only 33!  The other day I was thinking that I may have to put my oldest girl on birth control early, too.  Just in case kids are that active!  I hate to think of it.  It's kind of scary, huh?  Their school teaches them about puberty, also, so that made it easier for me.  They're not going to learn about Sex, though, from school.  At least not this young that I'm aware of.  Hope I helped.

     NewMexMom

 

 

PhillyinFrance
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 6:33 AM

I suggest you not stall.  I didn't stall, really, but I didn't realize how fast they change or what they are exposed to.    I think you should have it in 'installments', and one suggestion to start might be to say something like "do your friends in school talk aobut getting their periods, or have them??"... and you will see - either she will say whats that (doubt it!) or yes... blahblahblah.  Keeping it a bit impersonal helps break the ice.

I also sometimes 'invented' stories to break the ice on certain topics... like a 'friend' (sometimes inspired by a CM friend story) has a daughter that already has a boyfriend...  (or you can use any topic, sex, sexting, ...) and how surprised you are that they are so young.  Then ask if her friends do, etc.  and ask what she thinks, etc.     I'd keep an eye on the topics on CM that kids her age are facing, and bring it up (I heard a story about a girl....) with her... and discuss.

Other people often suggest books, etc.  Mine don't read  such books, so that didn't help me, but if yours does. you may suggest she read it and when she's done, let you konw...from there you might say "well, what did you understand in the book"   See what she knows, and fill in the blanks.

If she is shy about talking or just refuses, then II'd 'lecture' by saying "well, I don't want to pry about you (or your friends), but what I want you to know is..... x, y, z".

Of course, you should reassure her and tell her she can come to you with any questions or problem...   ask if she will?  Ask if she is comfortable talking about such things?    Alot of kids shy away from that, so see.... if she says she isn't comfortable or something like that, I'd suggest you agree on another means to bring the subject up (leaving a note, or just a text saying "can we talk tonight"... and then you can find time to bring it up and see what she wants".

TwinSoccerMom
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 8:18 AM

A great book to get the puberty talk started is "The Care and Keeping of You".  It is an American Girls book.  (Here is a link to it on Amazon.com:  http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/dp/1562476661/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248783040&sr=8-1)  Our school shows the puberty movie at the end of fourth grade so I got this book for her right around that time and told her to look through it and ask questions when she feels comfortable.  It has been really nice.  She will mention things to me that she has read and we will talk a little about them.  I have boy/girl twins and they each saw "the movie" this spring.  I previewed them both at the school so that I would know what they saw and it would be easier to start a conversation.  Both the kids knew I saw the movies so they felt comfortable talking with me about it.  Well...our daughter was comfortable, our son was pretty much "yuck!".  LOL  But I also bought him a similar book and told him to look through it when he is comfortable and talk with Dad or I.  I am pretty sure that he has not cracked that thing open!  Oh well...at least the girl reads hers.

We have not really started talking about sex yet but I think we are going to have to soon.  They are starting middle school this fall and I am sure they will be hearing things and we want them to have the correct information.  Not real excited to start that ball rolling though.  :-)

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

SprawgMom
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 5:27 PM

Because I am a believer in open communication with your daughter I think it's a great time to start talking to her.  I had many questions on what to say and when to say them since I too have a 10 year old daughter.  I have been so devoted to this that I started my own business. I even wrote a booklet "A Girl's Guide To Her First Period."  I think you should do things in stages. Talk to her about her changes in her body, then explain to her what her menstrual cycle is (and start calling her "parts" by their actual name if you haven't already), then after you've explained and talked to her about those things - then talk to her about "The Talk"... Reason being is that a lot of girls (I've been confided in by young girls) that when they get the talk, most of the time they don't even understand their bodies to begin with therefore the talk is more confusing.

Encourage a healthy dialogue and help her understand that you are the person to give her the confidence she needs when it comes to information. Let her guide the conversation and stop when she feels it's overwhelming (you can always pick it up later - in fact , that may be another mother / daughter date). I hope this helps! I am so happy to see more passionate parents opening up to their daughters about the issues regarding their bodies. Love it! Our girls will have the confidence to achieve anything :-)

-Sonia (http://www.sprawg.com/)

mikiemom
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 10:14 AM


Quoting blondie0800:

I have a 10 year old daughter, and I am wondering when to have the "talk". 

I knew about sex at her age, so I am wondering if she does, but I really can't muster up the courage to talk to her about it.

She is also showing signs of puberty (underarm hairs, breast buds) so I think I need to talk to her about those changes and the upcoming period milestone.

When did you or when do you plan to have the talk?

Any tips or suggestions about how to start it off and what to say??

THANKS!!!!!!

 

in lovelistening to tunesboy on a swingice creampregnant belly

My DS is 12, we really haven't had a single talk. We've been having mini-talks age appropriate talks over the years. We normally just go with the flow when things happen. Many things initiate the talks, tv shows, something happening in the lives of friends and family, school events etc.

tobyoneknoby
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 11:09 AM

My son is 12 and I have been talking about him with sex and puberty for a while now. I don't want him misinformed. I also didn't want him having strange things going on and not knowing what it was or being scared. I would talk to your daughter soon. That would be terrible for her to start her period and have no idea what it was! That would scare her to death! Get it started. You can always break it up into little conversations here and there. That is what I have done. They aren't ready for all the info at once. Get the basics of puberty out and  you can go back in for the rest.

tamityson
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 11:11 AM
NOW!
chances is are that she knows more than you think she does. Statistics show that the sooner you have the talk the better. She will give yo cues to how far and how much to say. I would plan some time alone where you won't be interrupted and then ask her if she has any questions about the way her body is changing? She might not have nay, and that is ok, I would just tell her that i wanted she is old enough now to learn more about our bodies and how they work. I have taught sexuality workshops to moms to help them with this difficult subject.Where do you live? We will probably be having more this fall if you are interested? Everyone who has attended loved it and learned a lot.
good luck and take special care
tami tyson
motherhoodinspired.com
SoniaL
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 11:37 AM

I had kind of a puberty talk with my oldest when she was about 7-8 and then explained sex (and our family values on it) when she was about 9. I was pregnant at the time so it kind of worked its way to the subject. We have had several discussions on the matter and I know we aren't dones as she gets older more things will come up. We covered the basic concepts initially. And she truly did NOT know what sex was when we first talked. The hardest part for me was actually expaling the act of insertion. UGH! I was mortified...and she was repulsed! lol  Recently she saw something on tv about condoms and asked what they were (at 12) so we had a further talk about deiseases, pregnancy and kids having sex way to young (at her age) and she was once again repulsed! She thinks the concept is gross. hahaha

mommom7
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 3:15 PM

 You should talk soon. My daughter is 12 and some of her friends(well not anymore) have done things with boys. too much to mention on here, so i would have the talk. My daughter and I are very open and say how it is. Good Luck

mykidzmom-1
by on Jul. 31, 2009 at 9:13 AM

You are obviously thinking about it so now is the time.  Find a good book to cover the topics.  In Fifth grade at our school they cover the basics and then again in 8th grade even more.  You can keep it casual and just talk about things as they come up (like when you are watching a movie and a baby comes up...talk about that later) or you can sit down and have the WHOLE converstation.  We have pretty much tried to fairly open all along.  Best of luck.


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