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My search is best taken elsewhere

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 12:27 PM
  • 10 Replies

I'm not exactly sure what kind of forum this is... I lurk to get a feel for the "nettiquette" and then once I figure out how to post here, I'm obviously asking for help, resources and/or support, after all, my impression was that "tween" meant between childhood and teenagerhood. Ok, fine, I gave it about a week, only one person contacted me privately and for that I really am grateful. I however, am not impressed with the stuck up, snobbish way in which I was completely dismissed. After doing the research, 4 in 10 kids between the ages of 8 and 16 develop eating disorders AND there are many children who develop eating disorders as young as 6! If the kids are acting secretive, sneaking food, adamant about exercising, spending lots of time in the bathroom or locked in their bedrooms, there's something going on! Just like the kids who were cutting off neck circulation to get that "high" feeling, kids are developing bad eating habits! Who's to blame? Can we blame the parents? Sure... but then you'd be putting parents like me (who balance and offer smaller portions more often) into a stereotypical category of allowing my kids to eat what they want, when they want, with who they want, with no care or discipline. Can we blame the media? Absolutely!!! The social stigma to be thin and beautiful, not healthy and unique is overwhelming and painful and if as parents we don't get our heads out of our arses and watch for the warning signals, then as far as I'm concerned, we deserve what we get! I saw the warning signals and obviously I'm searching high and low for the help my daughter needs!!! Can we blame the governmental systems?? Damn straight!! My children were taken into the foster care system and if that's part of the reason no one wants to reply to me, fine, then you've all got problems and had better hope you're a much better parent than I am and had better hope nothing like this ever happens to you because when the government decides that the parents of a disabled child needs help, regardless of invited or not, YOU CANNOT GET RID OF THEM!!! They take control of everything from discipline to school to social life to dietary needs to medical treatment to extracurricular activities to even force medicating the kids!! Where has our parental power gone?? If you other parents don't have the backbone to discipline your kids, look for the warning signs of self harming behaviors in your kids, or even have the most basic discussions with your kids regarding alcohol, drugs and sex, then as far as I'm concerned, all these forums are, are for fools who just want to find someone to whine to about how sucky their lives are as parents! If you can't enjoy your kids, why did you have them???

by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 12:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mom2aliltater
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 1:49 PM

To be honest with you ... I didn't read your original post.  There are a lot of posts that I don't read ... simply because of my own situations with my tween. So, after reading this post ... I went in search for your original post. Wow! First ... I am shocked that after 27 views of the post ... no one could even offer you some encouragement.  I understand that MOST people don't have the answers & don't know how to help ... but come on ... everyone can offer some words of encouragement.

Of course we all don't know all of the facts, but hey ... the bottom line is. Your daughter seems to have gone and is still going through something horrible. People have to at least recognize that. I am so sorry that your daughter seems to be struggling ... whether it is because of being serperated from her parents, being possibly abused while away, eating disorder, or whatever it is ... it is sad to hear that any child would be struggling in this way.

I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have my child wrap their seatbelt around their throat like that. How scary for everyone involved.

I urge you ... if you aren't doing this already ... to get yourself & ALL of your children into some counceling.  You have all been through so much through this experiance & it needs to be dealt with before it spirals more out of control.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the support here that you should have been given.  It is really sad. This is supposed to be a place where people can come & share their experiances, get advice, encouragement, support & give that to others as well.

We don't all have the answers ... but we can ALL offer encouragement.

Best wishes to you & your family.  I hope that you can get the help you need.

jjamom
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 2:04 PM

I'm very confused.  I couldn't find your original post, so I don't really know what you were posting about exactly.

I agree with the previous poster, I don't read all posts either, b/c I belong to many groups and sometimes I miss things.  I have also been away for the past week, so maybe I missed it then, I don't know.

I think all of us here joined this group to not only seek support and offer help to other parents with children the same age, but to find some common ground and celebrate our children too.

I'm truly sorry you didn't get the answers or support you were hoping for.  I know that I have posted things here or in other groups that have gotten little or no replies.  It's frustrating.  I've also posted things that have gotten many replies.  I don't know if you should really take it personally that you didn't get many replies, but like I said I couldn't find the original post, so I'm not sure what it's really about.  Maybe if you could find it and give it a bump, some of us who missed it could see it and possibly offer some support.

down-syndrome-awareness-graphic.png 

bballmom25
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 2:05 PM

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to read your original post. I searched for it, but couldn't find it (I could be doing something wrong). I agree with most of the things you said about this group....that's why I don't check it very often. I am interested to hear the whole story of what's going on. Eating disorders are very scary no matter what age. I think they can start very young and the whole body image thing starts VERY young too. I have 6 & 7 yr old girls and they say lots of things to me about how they wish their body would be...or my legs are fat...things like that. I agree that the media is a huge influence!

c_turtle21
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 2:42 PM

I know that when I check this post I am looking for situations that pertain to me or I may have had experience with. There are too many posts and too many repeat problems to read all the posts. I also feel that I am not as strict as a great deal of the others in this group so i often don't have anything to add to posts.

SpiritWish
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:08 PM

I appreciate the replies and while I had originally posted once as far as lurking to note the netiquette... and I understand not being able to reply to every single post. I only get the digest so I'm certain I lose at least 30% of the posts in the digests... whether I skim over or I just don't see them... I don't expect a ton of replies but was instead putting feelers out there hoping for resources... even support... I believe that if it's happening to one of y'all with your tween and I haven't experienced it, chances are good, I'm in line to experience it. I was once told in nursing school that it's best to ask the question because chances are good that my classmates have the same question, they just don't want to be the ones in the spotlight. I hate the fact that I even have to deal with this! It would be great to pull the wool back over my eyes and pretend it's not happening and yet it is happening and if I didn't say that I'm not pissed on my daughter's behalf, I'd be lying. We have a referral to Children's hospital (the last place on earth I ever want to subject any of my kids to!) to speak with a psychiatrist. It's possible that some meds will help my daughter to cope and then eventually, as she's better emotionally equipped, she can get down and dirty and get to work on the issue. Meds are nothing but band-aids but the real work comes from the support system in place by friends and family, doctors, therapists, etc. Yes, we've been in therapy for a very long time due to some issues with my son. Sadly, my children have seemed to need to grow up with a therapist in the house constantly... It's such a sad state of affairs that society has turned into...

This is the original post, written on July 21 titled "Eating disorders in young girls"

 

Hiyas,

I've done a lot of lurking as I get the daily digest and I've read lots of posts and sat here thinking to myself, "hey, I know what that's like!" or, "wow! I think the same way!" I guess you could say I'm still really new here as today I only just figured out how to post a message and I'm really not happy with Cafe Mom tech support for not helping me out! oh well, we'll see how this pans out I suppose.

Anyway. I'm posting today because I really don't know what else to do. Last Thursday my daughter (age 11) was taken by ambulance (via a 911 call) to our local hospital because she became so enraged and uncontrollable in my vehicle as I was driving home that she wrapped the shoulder strap to the seatbelt around her neck about 2 to 3 times in an attempt to strangle herself. I pulled over (only 5 minutes from home!) and had to make a 911 call where the paramedics took her to the local hospital. I had to fill out the police report to avoid social services and then I along with my other two kids went to the hospital where we waited for 6 hours for their sister to have an eval done. My significant other met me at the ER, took our youngest home, took the dog out and got a pizza and water. When they got back, I sent my son out to the parking lot to have pizza with his stepdad and sister and I met with the doctors. My daughter began to disclose some very disturbing information that I had been suspecting for a while.

In late 2007 a local social worker on a power trip decided she could raise my kids better than I could. She made our lives miserable and one day I confronted her. Within 2 days, my house was swarming with cops, my kids were gone and I was in jail. We didn't get our kids back until January of this year. During the time that our kids were gone, they were separated by this social worker. All 3 were in different areas of the state and all 3 were miserable. My middle child/eldest daughter was placed at a group home called Families First. These people were horrible!!! They locked her in a "gray room" for hours and would slam her against walls and floors in attempts to "restrain" her. They forced medications into her (seroquel) because she has an "over active imagination with magical thinking" and was diagnosed with some schizoid type of personality disorder!!! I mean seriously, a kid can't be a kid?? Since when did having an imaginary friend become a crime?? or a mental illness????? When we'd visit with her, she'd have black eyes, bruises on her arms and legs... most often these bruises looked like fingerprints or hands.  I got banned from many visits because I began to question and take pictures of the injuries. Soon Families First would refuse to let my daughter come to visits claiming that she was sick or was misbehaving. We'd later find out that it was so bruises and injuries could heal so we wouldn't question where they came from! This place is run by monsters and abuses children in some of the most horrendous ways!!!

To make a long story short, my daughter began to disclose to the intake counselor at the hospital that her stay at Families First was so horrible that when they'd lock her in the "gray room" she'd force herself to throw up just so she could get out. We also found out that most of the time, she was locked up around meal time... so she'd force the vomiting and claim that she wasn't feeling well. They'd force her to clean it up of course but she said that sometimes they'd keep her locked up for so long that she'd have to go to the bathroom and the only way she could get out was to force herself to throw up and claim that she wasn't feeling well. All this for self preservation! The problem though is that now, she can't stop and her voice is starting to get really hoarse, her hair isn't as shiny or healthy as it used to be, her skin is really pale looking and she looks generally sick. She's complaining of always being dizzy and nauseous and she spends a lot of time in the bathroom. There is nothing normal about this behavior and I have her in counseling and she's already been in to see her doctor. The problem though is that no one can help her if she doesn't say anything or she refutes what I tell the docs. I have no idea how to even start an intervention process and I don't know of anywhere that would even help an 11 year old kid! There is nothing normal about her behavior and she needs help! I feel like I've exhausted everything and now I guess I'm asking for some outside ideas.

Thanks!

SprawgMom
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 5:13 PM

WOW! What a situation.  First and foremost, I too don't read all the posts and especially every day.  However, I have read what you posted and am sincerely sorry for what your daughter (and family) have gone through.  Although, we can offer you advice it is merely our opinion and hope you take bits and pieces from everyone and make your own judgement call on what to do and how to approach it.  My heart goes out to you and I can only imagine how frustrating it can be.

Here are my thoughts: First, you MUST seek legal advice. Contact your local University and get an attorney through them (they are inexpensive and are under the guidance of fantastic and well experienced attorneys). Next, you must make this public! Contact your local media. Some cities with local news have a section called "Kids First" and is commited in helping children.  Also, write letters to "Family First" ( I believe that's the name of the organization she was at) explaining what you have discovered and DEMAND a full blown investigation.  Your daughter has rights and as her parent make sure you continue being her advocate. Finally, get help! There are child psychologist that specialize in helping kids who have gone through devastating situations open up and talk. It may not be done in a week or a month but your daughter will eventually feel comfortable to talk about it.  Keep being persistent - you will see that it will pay off.

Hope this helps!

-Sonia (http://www.sprawg.com/)

jjamom
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 5:23 PM

I really can't offer alot of ideas, b/c I haven't been in your situation.  But, I did, as a classroom teacher, have a 10 y/o student who had gone to foster care and was also abused.  He was dropped off at social services along with his siblings, by their mother who said she didn't want them anymore.  Then, they were sent to foster care while paternity was established.  During that time, he was abused by an older child in the foster home.  By the time this student came to my class, he had severe emotional issues.   He was a danger to others in the class, would yell cuss words across the room, throw chairs, attack students in the hallway, even wrote a chilling threatening note to me.  So, I have seen first hand what can happen to children when placed in the hands of "protective services". 

My mother worked with a few anorexic patients and they kept returning, unfortunately.  It's a long battle.  Unfortunately, one of the patients ended up dying, b/c of the toll it took on her body.  I think she went into kidney failure.  Do whatever you have to do to help her.  She will need alot of support.  It does sound, however, like your daughter's purging may not really be stemming from an unhealthy body image, which may be a positive in the fight.  I'm sorry I can't really help.  My heart goes out to you and your family and I hope your daughter will get the care she needs.  

Edit:  I think I was typing my reply while the previous poster posted hers.  She has some excellent ideas and I agree with her.  You need to make the situation public and you need to demand a thorough investigation.  File a police report and find a good attorney.  Once the investigation is underway (and only on the advice of your attorney), go to the media and contact your governmental representatives and demand an end to abuse within that agency.

down-syndrome-awareness-graphic.png 

partymommiami
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 9:49 PM

 

 I understand how upset you must be at what's happening to you. After all to open yourself, the way you did , to total strangers with such a strong and personal post must mean you are in definite need of help.

I have to tell you though that you cannot hold this forum accountable for your frustration or assume people here are snobbish because you assume noone answered because noone cared.. 

  I'm a very busy person with my career and a business on the side and if I thought the women here were not caring, intelling women that are here because they care about learning from others as much as I do, I would not even waste my time connecting to the forum.

I understand you must be in a difficult situation but venting against the women here is not going to make it any easier for you.

I read your post and even though eating disorders in children are what I specialized during my psychology studies, I did not answer your post because it is a very touchy subject and one that unless you know all the facts is best left to a professional that will work directly with you.

There are many issues underlying an eating disorder problem and most of the time, parents do not want to hear the reality from a professional much less a stranger.

I believe you should seek some counseling to assist you with this anger that may be brought on by not understanding what is happening to you. Counseling for eating disorders usually entails some Family therapy as well, to assist both the child and their family.

If you cannot afford a professional in your area find a university that has a graduate(doctoral) psychology program or a center for eating disorders. I'm sure after hearing your case they will help you. The graduate clinics are also free and the doctors who supervice the doctoral candidates have a degree and expertise so don't think they are not able to help you.

If you need help finding a professional in your area, send me a note with your home town and I will try my best to find someone for you.

I wish you the best and hope you and your daughter can work with the issues that are troubling both of you!

 

JodyPagaz
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:54 PM

I am sorry I never replied because well frankly I didnt care. Not that I didnt CARE but I am busy with my kids, work, home, and I look specifically for topics that I might be able to help with or chime in on , on occasion. To blame the women or this forum because you didnt get a response (as another poster said, seek professional help please, I am sure after reading your posts that your whole family could use it as your going through a huge ordeal and well with your daughter, it all started somewhere and a forum is definitely not a place to get that kind of help your family needs!).Now that people have responded and told you you should seek professional help my question is, are you going to do it? and why did it take a online forum before you did/do?.

All I can say is I wish you the best of luck with your family, but dont blame others for your issues because they dont have answers for them or the answers your looking for.

sahlady
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 1:41 PM

Had I read you original post I would not have replied.  I have never been in that situation and would have no other advice than to suggest that you seek professional counseling.... which would have come off as an insult to your intelligence.

 

This group is not nearly as active as some others.  If you are looking for quick responses I might suggest trying other groups.  If you are looking for support, I suggest you try specificly an eating disorder group.  However, I think real life support is what you need at this time.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

 

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