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12 year old giving random boys cell number

Posted by on Sep. 9, 2009 at 11:35 PM
  • 27 Replies

My step dtr just turned 12- 2 months ago.  She has been trying to grow up WAY too fast.  My husband and I randomly check her cell phone/ text messages... Today I found a message "Hey Baby" from some boy.  When confronted she said it's some boy she met at the mall.  She went with and older cousin to the mall while at her mother's house  and apparently was unsupervised.  So she made up a story about how her cousin gave this boy her phone number...I called the boy and asked how old he was and he told me 13 he also said she told him she was 13 too. I'm so scared that she will be giving her # to the wrong person.  Why do kids have to rush things???  I'm afraid she's gonna meet someone who wants her to do things that she's just not ready for!!!  I dont think she gets what 13 and 14 year old boys want!

So, my question is...am I wrong for thinking this is totally out of line???  If she's doing this at 12 what will she be doing at 14???

She recently broke up with her (supposed) boyfriend ater 5 months...a week later she has a new boyfriend...  How do I keep her from being "One of THOSE girls"???? 

 

by on Sep. 9, 2009 at 11:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LauraMari
by on Sep. 10, 2009 at 9:18 AM

Why does she have a cell phone and does she know the consequences of her actions.  Have you or her father talked with her about them.  I had the talk with my daughter when she started her period and again last year, she is 11 years old.  She is not allowed to date until she is much older and knows this.  My daughter will be getting a cell phone this year as she is going to a school that is farther away than she has in the past.  She understands that the phone is for emergencies only and not to give out her number to anyone.

4oxygen
by on Sep. 10, 2009 at 10:34 AM

My daughter is 12 and has a cell phone.  It's not used for emergencies only.  She texts with her friends and also uses it to keep in constant communication with me.  We attend games and social events in our small town together, so I have a close eye on her all the time -- however, I have started to give her just a little bit of freedom.  She has had a few "boyfriends", but they're really more like friends than anything else.  However, I'm not oblivious to the pressures of growing up too much in our society. 

My advice:

Keep close tabs on her.  Attend social events "with her" (in close proximity as a chaperone, just going to a school game, etc.) whenever possible.  Also -- I'm sure she's not paying for her phone.  I pick up my daughter's phone ALL the time and flip through her messages and her address book.   I also keep tabs on her messages through our plan online.  It's easy to block phone numbers on most plans online if things get out of hand too.  It sounds like you don't have total control since she is with her mom some of the time.  If possible, try to get mom on board too.  I'm sure she doesn't want her daughter to be one of "those" girls.  I think the best way to prevent that is to place limits by injecting yourself into her life.  With my daughter, I allow her social time, but I know all of her friends and their moms.  It's amazing what you can find out just by having a relationship with your child's friends.  My house is always open to her friends to hang out and I keep plenty of snacks on hand.   My daughter is an athlete, so she doesn't spend as much time concerned with boys as some of her friends do, but it does put her in close proximity with some older boys because of her skill level.  We've had a few who have tried to phone her/text her and i promptly blocked their numbers.  Frankly, it made her a little nervous that they were contacting her. 

Most important -- have conversations with her.  Open the lines of communication.  Listen to her opinions on things and let her know what your opinions are. 

Good luck!!  We're embarking on the tween adventure ourselves.  I'm sure we'll make some mistakes as we go.  Each kid is different, so there is no all encompassing answer to any of our questions.  Just use your best judgement as related to your daughter. 

Lisa

DaniL67
by on Sep. 10, 2009 at 11:17 AM

There are 2 things I would do in this situation 1) talk to her let her know your concerns and opinions 2) most importantly listen to her. There must be a reason she is looking for more attention from boys than most girls her age. Maybe she doesn't understand the implications of her actions or maybe she needs one on one attention. Find out what her thoughts are and try to come to an understanding together.

momto3infl
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2009 at 4:16 PM

Sounds about like the average thing with girls in the that age group I see it everyday at my dd's school it is part of growing up. 

   LOVE JOHN BARROWMAN "TORCHWOOD"

NYsoccermom
by on Sep. 10, 2009 at 4:32 PM

If you can't trust her with the cell phone, take it away. My son looses his phone when he is irresponsible.  His is prepaid so he is unable to exceed his time limits. If he can't use it right, he can't have it.

PhillyinFrance
by on Sep. 11, 2009 at 5:05 PM

I agree with by 4oxygen.    At this age, as far as bf's go, I think you need to be very clear about what you expect, and what she is likely to face - boys pushing the limits, reputations, maintaining friendships, sex, etc.   Talk to her about being her own person - focus on her education and other activities - those are qualities that will help her later in life, in all aspects including relationships.   Explain what isn't healthy, and be sympathetic - no matter how smart, pretty, etc., almost all teens lack confidence, have raging hormones, want to express them selves in a certain way, including having a boy friend.   As much as you can, focus on her postive qualities and achievements, and give her opportunties to invite over friends that are postive influence.

There is one message I have drummed into my DD's head and that she is entirely resonsible for her actions - no one can force her to do anything, and she is smart enough to know a bad idea when she hears one.   Tell your DD to think, and think good and hard about what she wants for her future.  Talk to her also about sexting (sexy photos or language) and get her to think through the consequences (like when you break up, bf passing them around to the whole school - there are videos of news stories on this - look them up and show her).  And when you talk to her, allow her to talk - ask questions, and let her answer - just correct or comment when needed - I believe if they say it (rather than hear it and ignore it), there is more of a chance they will mean it.

bamatamimom
by on Sep. 11, 2009 at 5:47 PM

 Or if none of this stuff works, consider locking her in her room Cinderella style. lol I am soooo glad my 12 year old is a boy. Good luck to you!

mommy23great1s
by on Sep. 11, 2009 at 7:30 PM

Thanks all for the advice.  We have decided to take the phone away indefinitely or until she has a job and can pay for it. We explained that giving out her personal info to people she doesnt know is very dangerous. 

 Turns out that the boy who she gave her number to didnt want to give up calling even after I had explained that it was inappropriate for him to talk to her.  He texted and called for 2 days until i threatened to call the police.  Not someone who I think she needs to know.  We tried to explain that it's not about us controling her but trying to keep her safe.  She has made poor choices lately and she was told that bad choices lead to bad outcomes. 

Thanks again Ladies!!  Good to have advice from other moms. 

studentrn143
by on Sep. 15, 2009 at 6:52 PM

I think that is too much! I would turn off the phone with acess only to 911 and your numbers, that what I had to do to my niece who I take care of. I called the phone company and blocked all numbers but mine and her dads and 911. Just something to think about!

Click the tree below! Let's make sure not one of the CM kids go without a Christmas.

runner231
by on Sep. 18, 2009 at 1:47 AM

I don't know what plan you have but I have Verizon and my daughter's phone has parental controls. I can block numbers, put time restrictions on it and limit texting. My daughter has a "boyfriend" and we have discussed what is going to far and not letting him try to talk her into anything. My daughter goes to aftercare so she isn't alone with him and someone is always home. I wouldn't let your daughter go to the mall with that cousin. That is irresponsible to let a 12 year old alone in a mall.

Natalieyellow ribbon

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