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Tween Titans Tween Titans

What do you do when you never actually said no to a certain situation.

Posted by on Apr. 7, 2007 at 11:25 AM
  • 10 Replies
My daughter is only 12 (6th grade).... I would love to hear what you all would have done.

Yesterday my daughter was at a friends home.  She called me to see if she could go to the movies with a group of kids (boys and girls).  I was not thrilled with the idea.  First, because it was a Friday night movie at the theater where all the teens hang out; secondly, it would be her first co-ed movie (big step for me); thirdly (most importantly)  the mother who would be chaperoning I didn't trust her to actually sit through the movie or even stay in the same general area - she is rather lax in her parenting.  During our conversation I asked to speak with the mother, my daughter told she would have her call me back because they couldn't get ahold of her on the phone (this woman NEVER answers her phone).  "But wait....aren't you at her home right now?" I asked.  "No, I'm at Michael's house on his balcony."

Who the hell is Michael and what is she doing in his bedroom???!!!!!

"I calmly told her no movie, and I will be picking her up in 10 min, she better be out front of the home where I thought she was."

I was proud of staying calm.  I tend to over react....I think it is a knee jerk reaction, my oldest is spreading her wings,  and it is hard to let them go.  I know when she learns to fly she will soar.......she is an amazing kid!

We had a discussion about going into someones home that I do not know and being some where other then where I thought she was.  Her response was that the parents were home, that it was a group of kids, and the mother (where I thought she was) knew.  My come back was that she (my daughter) had a cell phone and could have let me know the change in plans.  The I explained that under no circumstances is it appropriate to be in a young mans bedroom.......no matter how many kids there are.  This I am old fashioned about and will not budge.  (BTW - these homes are 4,000 - 6,000 sq ft...there are plenty of rooms other then the bedroom to hang out in!!)

So what do you do when they do something you didn't actually say they cant do....I cant foresee every scenario.  I think she should have known better.  But the parent in charge didnt care.  What do you do when this happens???

BTW - she didnt get into trouble.  But we had a talk about what I think is appropriate.  she was mad that instead of just asking/telling her over the phone my thoughts I ran right over and pulled her from the situation.  I told her that being my oldest I would make mistakes too....and that we need to work together with love and forgiveness as we chart a course to adulthood....that we would both screw up and we just need to make sure we can talk it out.

Also - I didnt bother speaking with the parent where I thought she was, or the boy's parent........obviously we have different parenting perspectives.
by on Apr. 7, 2007 at 11:25 AM
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Replies (1-10):
justoneson
by on Apr. 7, 2007 at 12:01 PM
I think you handled it wonderfully.  I had a similar situation with my son.  He was supposed to be riding is bike with friends in the neighborhood.  He knows his boundaries and knows he is supposed to swing by the house on occasion so I know where he is.  Well he was gone for a very long time and I had not seen him.  My husband didn't even see him when he drove out of the neighborhood to run an errand.  Eventually my son came in, he was next door where the mom decided at the last moment to throw her son a bday party.  So she ran out got a cake and some cheap party goods (matter of fact they weren't even party goods - they were for Easter).  Then she even fed my kid and some other kids she had come in.  I was beyond furious, but like you, kept my cool.  I reminded my son that he is to be where he tells me he is going to be and if there is a change he is to call and clear it with me first.  I could not believe another mother would be so insensitive.  I NEVER let a child come into my house without clearing it with the adult and would NEVER feed their kids without getting the okay.  I had planned to feed my son a healthy nutricious dinner that night and instead he was full of cake, hot dogs and chips.  
megdev
by on Apr. 7, 2007 at 4:34 PM
My son tries that all the time. I tell him he has a brain and knows us so that is not an excuse to do something he knows we would not approve of. I think you did the right thing. She had a phone and could have called but didn't becuase she knew you would say "no".
btlsmum
by on Apr. 8, 2007 at 8:15 AM
To the original poster...I think you handled things just fine. You don't owe your daughter an explanation in the moment. That is an invitation for arguing and negotiation attempts. You explained after the fact and in a rational manner. Sounds reasonable to me.

I would also be calling the Mother where she was supposed to be and give her an earful. It's pretty much common courtesy to let someone know that you are taking their child somewhere if it was not in the original plan. Let alone to take them to a boy's house and leave them!
mSrosie
by on Apr. 11, 2007 at 12:07 AM
first i think you need to really think about who's to blame for the miss understanding... if you already allow your daughter to be supervised by someone whom you truly don't believe in the parenting values of that adult you child was in the wrong place to begin with. That could lead your child to believe that it was okay to do what that adult felt comfortable with. She still gets in trouble for not calling first but, she's not at fault all on her own.
sahlady
by on Apr. 11, 2007 at 5:00 PM
point taken rosie, thanks!
Momchipomkids
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:47 PM

I found out my daughter wandered the neighborhood with her friend who lives down the road.  I told her I couldn't trust her over there because of that and my rules here are "no wandering" because of older teenagers and wierdos around town.  If she can't do it here, she can't do it there.  I feel that going over and pulling her not only proves to her you mean business and will not tolerate it but really, eventually it will show her how much you care.  Her other friends will get into trouble of some kind by going to boys rooms or not having adult supervision eventually.  I have two grown kids who say what I did sucked but they appreciate it and feel it's how things should be even with my two younger kids. 

mamarj
by Member on Mar. 17, 2013 at 6:53 PM
You reacted exactly how I would have. I couldn't tell you if it's right or wrong but I do stress with my DD that she needs to communicate with me. It is so hard when they go to a friend's house and their parents have different views about things.
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catngabsmom
by Erica on Mar. 18, 2013 at 11:37 PM

ummm, this post is from 2007!!! her daughter is now almost in college!!!

TwinSoccerMom
by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 9:51 AM

I thought the same thing when I saw this pop up in the listing.  Not sure how it got back in the round of posts. Too funny!

Quoting catngabsmom:

ummm, this post is from 2007!!! her daughter is now almost in college!!!



M4LG5
by Valeri on Mar. 19, 2013 at 12:14 PM

I've been seeing that lately.  I wonder how they are popping up.

Quoting TwinSoccerMom:

I thought the same thing when I saw this pop up in the listing.  Not sure how it got back in the round of posts. Too funny!

Quoting catngabsmom:

ummm, this post is from 2007!!! her daughter is now almost in college!!!




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