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how do I make her leave>

Posted by on Oct. 24, 2009 at 3:53 AM
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I know it's what I should do, but get overwhelmed by the details. We have an 18 yr old daughter. She's a high school drop out with some college credit, got fired/laid off 7 months ago (won't tell us which) and hasn't really looked for a job since. We put her on a bus to NYC last month, she ended up in a homeless teen shelter, but again, refused to spend her days looking for work and either got kicked out or left -- she showed up here, sick and jobless.

The major problems I see are that she's spacey and unable to get herself around; she would have lost her first job sooner if she hadn't been living at home, with someone to remind her to get to work and take her there. I would kick her out again, but can't get past the images of her laying dead somewhere because she doesn't have the sense to stay safe. Also, I don't want her to hate me, I'd like to have a loving relationship with her, but making her leave again...I really am conflicted.  

by on Oct. 24, 2009 at 3:53 AM
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sacdp29
by on Oct. 24, 2009 at 2:09 PM

I can understand your feelings.  You want to be "tough" but you are still mom and our heart doesn't work that way.  When my son was 18 and dropped out of high school, he lied around for a couple of months and then I told him he HAD to go to work somewhere.  And he would pay us rent while he lived at home.  He finally got up and got a job at a nearby pizza place, been working ever since.  But I had to be honest with him and tell him that I wasn't going to put up with it. 

Also, have you checked to see if your daughter has any other issues like ADHD or bi-polar.  Just wondered since she has trouble staying on task and getting things done.  For her to end up in a shelter because she doesn't want to work or can't work.....Just a suggestion. 

Good luck, I will pray for you

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TheMom0217
by on Oct. 26, 2009 at 2:49 AM

I can relate....my only child is an 18 y.o. girl. However, our deal is that she does not have to pay rent and she has use of one car that she had been using throughout high school as long as she's attending college full time. Unfortunately, she is not full time because - guess what? She lagged on registration and missed out on a lot of the classes she wanted to take. She's also only taking online classes so, although she still has deadlines, she doesn't have to physically be in class. Getting to high school on time was always a struggle and I don't think it would've made a difference whether we lived 40 miles away (as we do) or right around the corner.

Mine graduated from h.s. but your girl and my girl are similar in that they need a constant fire under their butts. Sometimes she's off and running on her own, but other times she has to be reminded about everything from family gatherings to doctor appointments. My dd moves on her own schedule and has poor time management skills. She did fine with a job though.....she worked after school (and got there on time because she was already up, dressed and out since she was at school all day). But the city was making cuts and, since she was the youngest and most recently hired employee, she was the first one to get laid off.

I think many parents would disagree but I personally would like my 18 y.o. to remain at home while still learning these life skills. I just don't think that all 18 year olds are automatically armed with the skills for being on their own since they're still going through a lot of changes in their lives. I hope I don't get to the point where I have to give ultimatums as my dd knows she either has to be attending school, working, or both. And around here, most people aren't able to even get a tiny apartment without having two full-time paychecks coming in anyway. While I don't condone riding the couch for a living, I do think most 18 year olds need parental guidance and support to a certain extent. I was fairly independent, working and going to school at this age but I was never asked to leave my childhood home. If I had been, I think I would have felt very lost. I moved out when I got married at age 22.

 

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