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Adult children but still my house - your thoughts?

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2010 at 8:39 AM
  • 6 Replies

I  have two adult children.  One (21) lives with us along with her 2 year old son.  The other (20) is in the Army and set to deploy in the next 60 - 90 days.  He'll get a date next week.  He's stationed close enough to home that he is often here.  The 21 year old works, attends college and has no issue abiding by the rules of this house.  The 20 year old, even after several discussions, continues to disrespect our home by refusing to follow the rules.  And the rules are not unreasonable.  I do not want my son stumbling in here unannounced, after he's told us he will not be home, so drunk he can barely walk.  I don't want to create bad blood between us knowing he is going to deploy any time but I'm fed up.  I didn't raise him this way.  He didn't see this kind of behavior out of us and it isn't acceptable.  I'm conflicted and would appreciate knowing someone else's thoughts on the subject.

by on Feb. 6, 2010 at 8:39 AM
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by on Feb. 7, 2010 at 12:27 AM

i know where you are coming from my daughter and husband and 6 children live here. my husband and her got into it tonight she said that we were lazy ass and don't do anything. well our health isn't the best and we don't do the shopping for groceries she does and we have to say something every night about dinner. my husband got so mad he told her that we weren't baby sitters her husband jumped right in and told her she is in the wrong. her husband is wanting for us to kick them out but we wont do it because of the grandchildren. we don't ask much of her and she fills we do. 

by on Feb. 8, 2010 at 1:50 PM

Hello genwill, 

I feel your frustration.  My husband and I struggle with the similar issues.  The stress works on our relationship as well, not to the extent of divorce or anything remotely close, just conflict.  We have two girls, 23 and 19 (20 in March of this year) and they are both coming and going at all hours.  They have many friends and busy schedules while I am at home most of the time.    We have told both of our daughters that we love them with all of hearts and at this stage we must have some rules.

My oldest is still in college and is not much trouble with the exception of cleaning up after herself.

My youngest is working (I Thank The LORD) but she is going through a stage in her life where I feel her partying and friends are more important than our concerns of here where-abouts and her welfare.  She doesn't spend much time with the family anymore.  When she is not working she is usually upstairs in her room or out with her friends.  We have been dealing with much disrespect with friends over unannounced, loud music, drinking, smoking (no one in our entire family smokes so I am VERY sensitive to the smell and I just HATE IT), she is coming home at all hours of the night/morning, taking things that don't belong to her without asking... Well you can see where this is going.

It is so hard.  We have always lived a peaceful, happy family lifestyle.  I am finding the older years are SO hard.  I have cried more times than I can remember.  It has been a big issue for about 2 years now and SO hard!!!  I don't want to kick her out, so to speak, but we have HAD to be hard on my youngest.  On several occasions we have had to:  (1) ask for her house keys, (2) tell her that if she can't live by the rules then she can find another place to live, (3) pack your bags if the rules don't work for her (ALWAYS prefacing the statements with we love her very much) but I cry all of the time.  I DON'T want her to move out!!!  I let her know this but I also let her know that we need to feel that she cares about us (including her sister) and her actions are destroying the family.  I have found that the right time is important for us.  It may take a day or two after the next incident, but we do find time to ask her to come and set down in the living room with her father and me so that we can talk.  So far, she did move out in an angry fit once (I cried and eyes were swollen into the next day) but the next day she called us to ask if she could spend a couple of nights until she could get all of her things together so she could work things out to move in with a friend.  Of course we said yes and repeated that we loved her so very much and that we didn't want her to move out but it was her decision.  We wanted everyone the share the same rules and be treated with respect.   

 In closing, it is getting so much better now.  She has not moved out, as been more respectful, always ASKS us if she can have her friend/s over and she doesn't slam the doors anymore!!!  She still smokes her cigarettes (yuck) but it is now allowed in the house and we have provided her a small purse size can of Febreze to use before she enters the house :)    

I don't have the answer.  The only thing I have learned is that we love our children so much.  We want the best for them and when they are little we have that control.  When they are adults, we lose the control but never lose the love and concern and that is where it is hard.  We have to trust that we have raised them the best we could and hope that with tough love (always letting them know "verbally" as well as "emotionally" that we love them with every inch of our being) that they will see the love and want to share it.

I wish you the best.  I realize this is a very hard time. 

Marla, Californiagroup hug

by on Feb. 9, 2010 at 12:05 AM

maria you hit it on a nail. its a shame with the way we as parents fill like we let the children down but we do what we can. if my daughter was just her we would have kicked her out but we have to think about the 6 little ones that would be kicked out also and my daughter knows it. its like her husband said to her just bite your tongue and be happy she has a place to live. hes afraid we will kick them out and its like he says to her don't you think your parents want you  out of here any more than what we want

by on Feb. 10, 2010 at 11:00 AM

I wish I had answers for you.  Please know I feel your concern and discontent and disappointment.  Your situation sounds like something that you would see on Dr. Phil.  And I'm sure he would try to put your children in their place.  But he also says "we teach people how to treat us".  I pray for your situation to become better for your sake.

by on Feb. 10, 2010 at 11:07 AM

I have my son staying with us also and he knows better of the things he is doing.  I told him to get out.  He had no where to go and no money.  He works full time and has a daughter but is always broke.

These kids need to get out on their own.  I had 2 kids and on my own by the age of 20 and no one helped me, not even the government.

There comes a time when you have to say goodbye.


by on Apr. 2, 2010 at 4:43 PM

 i feel your frustration, my son and his girl were going to move in with us a few months ago, we told them the house rules and they didnt like it much. The way i see it is... its your house and your rules and if they dont like it then they can get a place of their own.

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