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How I'm Handling It

Posted by on Mar. 21, 2010 at 9:45 PM
  • 2 Replies

I'm 52, married to an OTR trucker, with my 3 grown kids, daughter 30, her 10 yo son, and sons 25 & 24 living with us. Each is his/her own special problem, but with my husband's (Mike) help, I can deal with them. He came up with what he calls the "Axiom of Parent", and it goes like this...

"God and parents help those who help themselves."

When you're young, you can ask us for something, and if we have the money, we feel you deserve it, and it's not out of line, we'll try to say yes. After 18, you're on your own. We've tried to teach you to do for yourselves. If it's real important, and you've tried everything in your power to do it yourself, then we'll help as best we can. But we're not going to give up what we need or want for you. 18 years of that is enough. And with that help will come respect earned by trying to handle it yourself first.

I think that last line did more to get our kids off their butts and do for themselves than anything.

 

by on Mar. 21, 2010 at 9:45 PM
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Replies (1-2):
Heidi718
by on Apr. 9, 2010 at 7:25 PM

Love your post. I have a twenty year old son who lives with his father. He prefers to live with him because he can "do what he wants" I see him occasionally, most of the time it's when he wants something.  It hurts, but I always end up giving him money, of lending him a vehicle because I don't see him that much and I'm afraid of making him mad if I say no. And then he would never come around. So what is your advice on that one.  I really don't want to contribute to him not being able to grow up and take care of himself and I guess I use excuses, because I  know how hard it is out there now a days. He has a job and he is a hard worker and most of the time respectable to me. I become this emotional mom that is afraid of upsetting her children. I just need a reference point that I can keep going back to that says I'm not a bad mom if I don't always give in.  

TheMom0217
by on Apr. 12, 2010 at 10:44 PM

I like your philosophy and it sounds like it works nicely for you even though you probably have to keep reminding your kids what's expected of them.

My soon to be 19 y.o. dd lives with me and is welcome to continue doing so while she attends c.c. as long as it's full time. I told her that a long time ago and I'm sticking to it. BUT what I should've done was set up some ground rules for living here. Just this afternoon we had this ridiculous exchange where we "discussed" (okay, I'm the one that was discussing it) how nice it would be if she would wash a dish or two or pick up around the house. This kid has been way too spoiled and indulged....I blew it! I honestly wish she would continue going to school full time but also get a job and have her dad help her pay for an apt of her own. I feel like she'll appreciate things more if she has to work toward it. It's not like she's never worked before....it's just that she squirrels away all of her money and uses my $ for everything. I was so appreciative that she actually remembered my birthday (this is rare) and got me a gift card but then I saw the charge on my credit card account which she has her own card for and my heart sunk. * sigh *

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