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Help me with my 19 yo son

Posted by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 9:34 AM
  • 8 Replies

I saw the post about enabaling your adult kids and was wondering if you have any advice for me.

I have a 19 you ds, he has been in and out of my house since he was 16, when he wasn't here he was living with his gf and her parents. They have since broken up, thank God.

They moved to Kansas several months ago, well my ds calls me one day and tells me he wants to come home. I told him ok. Here was his plan. To work with my dh to earn money for some classes he has to take, he got a dui and has to do the classes, to get a job and go to college.

Here it is a few months later, he works with dh, but hasn't been to many of the classes. He uses the money to hang with his friends and new gf. He goes through money like you wouldn't believe.

The other day he was supposed to work and told dh he was sick and didn't go, well dh said he can't work with him any more.

I told ds he needs to find a job else where and that if he doesn't start going to the classes he will pay rent, one way or another, he will pay something.

I also plan to tell him that come fall if he isn't in school he will pay rent or move out.

The problem is that he has been in some trouble, to me it is minor things that lots of kids do, wrong, yes, but dumb stuff. So I think he will have a hard time getting a job in this economy with so many people looking for work.

Also, I don't think I can really make myself kick him out. He is my baby, lol.

Help mer help him, please.

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 9:34 AM
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Replies (1-8):
CoeyG
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 10:48 AM

First of all why did you tell your son that he can't work for your husband any longer?  Your husband should have been the one to tell him that.  Your husband was the one who hired him and your husband was the one who he worked with.  your son should be paying rent period and should have been paying since he moved back.  So this fall you plan to tell him if he isn't in school to pay rent?  Why can't he pay rent even if he is in school?  He should be working whether he goes to school or not.  It isn't that difficult.  I worked two part time jobs and went to school, my daughter worked a full time job and went to school full time.  It lessens the oppritunity to spend time going out and getting DUIs.  As far as society goes he isn't a baby any longer and either you do what you have to do to wake him up to becoming a contributor to socieity or he will be a moocher and a leech for the rest of his life. 

sacdp29
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 10:55 AM


This is good advice.  My son moved back when he was 19, he paid rent.  If they are over 18 they are "adults"  and should be treated that way.  Babying him will not help him.

Quoting CoeyG:

First of all why did you tell your son that he can't work for your husband any longer?  Your husband should have been the one to tell him that.  Your husband was the one who hired him and your husband was the one who he worked with.  your son should be paying rent period and should have been paying since he moved back.  So this fall you plan to tell him if he isn't in school to pay rent?  Why can't he pay rent even if he is in school?  He should be working whether he goes to school or not.  It isn't that difficult.  I worked two part time jobs and went to school, my daughter worked a full time job and went to school full time.  It lessens the oppritunity to spend time going out and getting DUIs.  As far as society goes he isn't a baby any longer and either you do what you have to do to wake him up to becoming a contributor to socieity or he will be a moocher and a leech for the rest of his life. 


jabs54
by Jeanine on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:05 AM

 It sounds like he isn't going to agree to your demands.  You have to prepare yourself.  You really can't make demands that he work and pay rent if your not willing to kick him out.  If he knows you won't follow through he won't have any incentive to get off his butt.  Good luck.

jennyfrances
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:05 AM

 I wish I had words for you. My son is 20. He hasn't got a job. He's a good kid. He goes to school during the fall, winter and spring but not the summer. Where we live there are no jobs. he was training for one cooking at a wing place. They didnt tell him they where training someone else at the same time. He loved it but the other guy got the job. It's frustrating. If there where jobs floating around I would kick him out but there's not. On top of that our Doc., told us my son has AADHD. Got meds but don't seem to help much. Then there's the fact he's just plain lazy.  I'm praying for you and your son.

michellina124
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:09 AM

BOTH of my kids, 19 and 20 are working my SO said get a job, start paying rent in a month or find different living arrangements.  They have been working almost a month so we'll see if the money comes if not they will have to find a place together, we can't afford them anymore, they are grown boys!  I would just put it that way and you will have to stick to your guns or he will never grow up.

CoeyG
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:27 AM

 

Quoting jennyfrances:

 I wish I had words for you. My son is 20. He hasn't got a job. He's a good kid. He goes to school during the fall, winter and spring but not the summer. Where we live there are no jobs. he was training for one cooking at a wing place. They didnt tell him they where training someone else at the same time. He loved it but the other guy got the job. It's frustrating. If there where jobs floating around I would kick him out but there's not. On top of that our Doc., told us my son has AADHD. Got meds but don't seem to help much. Then there's the fact he's just plain lazy.  I'm praying for you and your son.

 Does he not drive?  Is he not willing to take public transportation?  You know there are "park and ride" places for areas that aren't on public transportation routes, couldn't he do that and get to where there are jobs to work? 

So he needs to go back to the doctor and tell the doctor that the medications aren't helping.  Maybe he needs a differnt medication, maybe the dosage needs to be changed.

And letting him be lazy isn't going to change the situation either.

louannwilkins
by Louann on Jun. 4, 2011 at 1:02 PM

 You will definitely have to stick to what you say.  If you don't make him be responsible he won't.  It is hard to be tough about it.  It has been for me anyway even though I know it's the best thing.  But what I have learned is that things won't get better if you allow it to continue on in the same way.  Good luck!! Just remember that it's what is best for him in the long run.   :)

GypsyRayne
by Member on Jun. 4, 2011 at 1:25 PM

Thanks for the replies.

I did not tell my ds he couldn't work for dh anymore, dh did.

I know I said he is my baby, but I do not baby him. I tell him exactly like it is, but I really don't know if I could go through with kicking him out.

BTW, I have a dd who does work and go to school. She works part time, in the summer she works as much as she can. She lives with a roommate in another city and barely scrapes by. We do help her by doing things like paying her car insurance, cell phone, she is on our plan and buying her groceries when she needs them, etc. She rarely asks for anything but we offer.

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