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Welcome to the Moms with Adult Kids group! Introduce yourself.....

Posted by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 3:02 PM
  • 843 Replies
7 moms liked this

 welcome

Welcome to the Moms with Adult Kids group!
 
Hi everyone!  I'm Amy.  I'm a single mom of 3 living in Colorado.  My oldest son is 23 years old now and living on his own, but he's a huge help with his younger sister (14) and brother (10).  I love meeting moms from all over and hope you'll enjoy this group!
 

Our goal is to get you talking with other moms.

Step 1:   Introduce yourself by replying to this post.   It will help us get to know you a little bit.

Step 2:  Jump right in and reply to any posts that you find interesting.  You may want to start some new conversations, too.

Step 3:  Feel free to invite some of the moms you meet here to be your friendTo send someone a friend invitation, click on the "Invite as a friend" link under their picture on their page.  

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If you have a child in the military, you may want to say hello on this thread, too:
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To share a little more about yourself, add your special days to our group calendar:
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Please feel free to send me a private message if you have any questions or need help with anything. 

We really want you to have a great time here!

Now click reply and introduce yourself:)

 teacoffee

We hope you'll make yourself at home and enjoy!

by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 3:02 PM
Replies (1-10):
sb1958
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 9:28 PM

Long intro (I hope it is OK).

Hi, my name is Sylvia. My son is 27 years old, not married or living at home. I raised him as a single parent and unfortunately, I spoiled him for many reasons but mainly because I really love him (which is a stupid thing to do). He did not finish school or the extremely expensive sound engineering schooling in London which my mom financed twice for him.

So he never really achieved anything, never worked full-time (he does not believe in it), and has no idea what it is like to be independent. He relies on the family's money (mine and my 77 year old mom) with a sense of entitlement.

Unfortunately, beyond being very spoiled and an underachiever, he has also been suffering from Crohn's disease for the past 14 years. He has not worked for the past year or so. Sadly, his health has also recently deteriorated (although right now, he is stable). Unfortunately, he is physically disabled but his mental handicap (poor me, "you owe me" attitude) as always existed and it is even more debilitating than his physical handicap.

Don't misunderstand me. I have always felt very sorry for him and I always tried to "make things very easy" for him (and always took care of everything) but I have unwillingly encouraged him to foster this poor me attitude, mental handicap, and underachievement, and enforce a sense of entitlement).

He is not always that sick that he can't function but never believed in functioning. Of course, when he is sick, there is no question about supporting him and providing the best possible treatments for him.

So now that he has been stable, he is back with these revolutionary ideas again. He always comes up with ingenious business ideas, dreams, and ventures that seem realistically so distant from reality and which require sometimes a pretty large financial investment understated "hoping for a family injection".

He has never had the motivation just to take care of himself. How can we inject large sums of money into something that seems so unrealistic? I feel that if he wants to be an entrepreneur, he needs to build a viable business by sharpening his business and entrepreneurial skills.

I have had numerous arguments with him about this and he tells me that I am unsupportive and negative, that I don't appreciate him. I totally adore him and do appreciate him very much - maybe too much. However, I am worried about him. He has only me (and my mom) to rely on. We will not be there forever. We may be comfortable but even if he inherits my apartment, how long with the money last? (He does not spend money wisely but neither do I or I would have savings/investments on the side. I am not proud of it but at least, I am able to rely on myself and support him).

 

He does not think about the future. In one conversation, he stated that he did not see anything wrong with having women support their partner "out of love". These are his plans. (As an independent woman, I find this utterly revolting).

So, he relies on the hope that mom will invest and justifies it because she has invested my divorced sister's failed businesses and that they have helped her raise her kids. My parents also helped me financially raise my son (because I was alone) until about 15 years ago, when I became fully independent (but support most of my 27 years old son's expenses - so I don't have much left). So to my son, it is justified that the family supports him too and invests in his ventures.

The difference is that my parents HELPED us. My son expects us to literally carry him on our back. So not only do we (mom and I) fully support him but demand that he works towards building financial independence despite his disease (which we know he cannot do when he is flaring), he has been trying to get mom to invest in all kinds of unrealistic ventures. I mean, I am all for it, if he was investing HIMSELF and WORKING towards it passionately. Unfortunately, his plans seem to always rely on someone else's investment but his own (referring to the family's money). I am afraid that this is an invitation for failure. He does not know what effort and perseverance mean and has very low tolerance for frustration. Mom has told him many times to prove himself but he does not believe in that, he thinks that we should first invest without commitment on his part (nothing we have every invested in the past has ever shown any result and believe me, we have invested loads!).

Anybody having sound advice ... I am trapped between my love, lack of boundaries I have set to him, feeling sorry for him, and the desire to see my son able to manage after I am gone (I am not planning to go but I have already undergone cancer once and the thought that my son lives in lah lah land despite his 27 years of age worry me very much).

I know that there is no quick fix and I should have practiced tough love. I was never able to do that.  

 

LadySaphira
by Lisa on Jul. 9, 2011 at 8:36 AM

Firt of all, welcome to the group.

It sounds like you did make a hot mess of things and now are suffering the consequences. Like they say, hindsight is 20/20 right? It is never too late to start practcing tough love IMO. It is extremely hard but it definatly sounds like it is needed here. I won't go into to detail or I would be writing a short book myself but my MIL and SILS were the same way with my husbands twin brother. always paying his way, bailing him out of jail, providing  him with housing , ETC. He never worked more than 6 months at a time. He was stuck by a car and killed instantly at the age of 40 and I do beleive  they were indirectly (partialy) at fault for never making him behave like an adult and enabling the lifestyle he chose to have all of his life.

Your situation is so complicated I can't even begin to suggest where you could possibly start but it is clear that you need to do something so that he can live on his own without your help without struggling.

Best of luck to you!

hugss
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by on Jul. 9, 2011 at 9:06 AM

 Welcome to the group,
wow tough, tough ::sigh::
I guess you can just keep trying, talking with him
Make him understand one day you won't be around
I do get the enabling part though ::blush::
Good luck & let us know how things go :)

Quoting sb1958:

Long intro (I hope it is OK).

Hi, my name is Sylvia. My son is 27 years old, not married or living at home. I raised him as a single parent and unfortunately, I spoiled him for many reasons but mainly because I really love him (which is a stupid thing to do). He did not finish school or the extremely expensive sound engineering schooling in London which my mom financed twice for him.

So he never really achieved anything, never worked full-time (he does not believe in it), and has no idea what it is like to be independent. He relies on the family's money (mine and my 77 year old mom) with a sense of entitlement.

Unfortunately, beyond being very spoiled and an underachiever, he has also been suffering from Crohn's disease for the past 14 years. He has not worked for the past year or so. Sadly, his health has also recently deteriorated (although right now, he is stable). Unfortunately, he is physically disabled but his mental handicap (poor me, "you owe me" attitude) as always existed and it is even more debilitating than his physical handicap.

Don't misunderstand me. I have always felt very sorry for him and I always tried to "make things very easy" for him (and always took care of everything) but I have unwillingly encouraged him to foster this poor me attitude, mental handicap, and underachievement, and enforce a sense of entitlement).

He is not always that sick that he can't function but never believed in functioning. Of course, when he is sick, there is no question about supporting him and providing the best possible treatments for him.

So now that he has been stable, he is back with these revolutionary ideas again. He always comes up with ingenious business ideas, dreams, and ventures that seem realistically so distant from reality and which require sometimes a pretty large financial investment understated "hoping for a family injection".

He has never had the motivation just to take care of himself. How can we inject large sums of money into something that seems so unrealistic? I feel that if he wants to be an entrepreneur, he needs to build a viable business by sharpening his business and entrepreneurial skills.

I have had numerous arguments with him about this and he tells me that I am unsupportive and negative, that I don't appreciate him. I totally adore him and do appreciate him very much - maybe too much. However, I am worried about him. He has only me (and my mom) to rely on. We will not be there forever. We may be comfortable but even if he inherits my apartment, how long with the money last? (He does not spend money wisely but neither do I or I would have savings/investments on the side. I am not proud of it but at least, I am able to rely on myself and support him).

 

He does not think about the future. In one conversation, he stated that he did not see anything wrong with having women support their partner "out of love". These are his plans. (As an independent woman, I find this utterly revolting).

So, he relies on the hope that mom will invest and justifies it because she has invested my divorced sister's failed businesses and that they have helped her raise her kids. My parents also helped me financially raise my son (because I was alone) until about 15 years ago, when I became fully independent (but support most of my 27 years old son's expenses - so I don't have much left). So to my son, it is justified that the family supports him too and invests in his ventures.

The difference is that my parents HELPED us. My son expects us to literally carry him on our back. So not only do we (mom and I) fully support him but demand that he works towards building financial independence despite his disease (which we know he cannot do when he is flaring), he has been trying to get mom to invest in all kinds of unrealistic ventures. I mean, I am all for it, if he was investing HIMSELF and WORKING towards it passionately. Unfortunately, his plans seem to always rely on someone else's investment but his own (referring to the family's money). I am afraid that this is an invitation for failure. He does not know what effort and perseverance mean and has very low tolerance for frustration. Mom has told him many times to prove himself but he does not believe in that, he thinks that we should first invest without commitment on his part (nothing we have every invested in the past has ever shown any result and believe me, we have invested loads!).

Anybody having sound advice ... I am trapped between my love, lack of boundaries I have set to him, feeling sorry for him, and the desire to see my son able to manage after I am gone (I am not planning to go but I have already undergone cancer once and the thought that my son lives in lah lah land despite his 27 years of age worry me very much).

I know that there is no quick fix and I should have practiced tough love. I was never able to do that.  

 

 

Cafe AmyS
by on Jul. 9, 2011 at 12:43 PM

 

Quoting sb1958:

Long intro (I hope it is OK).

Hi, my name is Sylvia. My son is 27 years old, not married or living at home. I raised him as a single parent and unfortunately, I spoiled him for many reasons but mainly because I really love him (which is a stupid thing to do). He did not finish school or the extremely expensive sound engineering schooling in London which my mom financed twice for him.

So he never really achieved anything, never worked full-time (he does not believe in it), and has no idea what it is like to be independent. He relies on the family's money (mine and my 77 year old mom) with a sense of entitlement.

Unfortunately, beyond being very spoiled and an underachiever, he has also been suffering from Crohn's disease for the past 14 years. He has not worked for the past year or so. Sadly, his health has also recently deteriorated (although right now, he is stable). Unfortunately, he is physically disabled but his mental handicap (poor me, "you owe me" attitude) as always existed and it is even more debilitating than his physical handicap.

Don't misunderstand me. I have always felt very sorry for him and I always tried to "make things very easy" for him (and always took care of everything) but I have unwillingly encouraged him to foster this poor me attitude, mental handicap, and underachievement, and enforce a sense of entitlement).

He is not always that sick that he can't function but never believed in functioning. Of course, when he is sick, there is no question about supporting him and providing the best possible treatments for him.

So now that he has been stable, he is back with these revolutionary ideas again. He always comes up with ingenious business ideas, dreams, and ventures that seem realistically so distant from reality and which require sometimes a pretty large financial investment understated "hoping for a family injection".

He has never had the motivation just to take care of himself. How can we inject large sums of money into something that seems so unrealistic? I feel that if he wants to be an entrepreneur, he needs to build a viable business by sharpening his business and entrepreneurial skills.

I have had numerous arguments with him about this and he tells me that I am unsupportive and negative, that I don't appreciate him. I totally adore him and do appreciate him very much - maybe too much. However, I am worried about him. He has only me (and my mom) to rely on. We will not be there forever. We may be comfortable but even if he inherits my apartment, how long with the money last? (He does not spend money wisely but neither do I or I would have savings/investments on the side. I am not proud of it but at least, I am able to rely on myself and support him).

 

He does not think about the future. In one conversation, he stated that he did not see anything wrong with having women support their partner "out of love". These are his plans. (As an independent woman, I find this utterly revolting).

So, he relies on the hope that mom will invest and justifies it because she has invested my divorced sister's failed businesses and that they have helped her raise her kids. My parents also helped me financially raise my son (because I was alone) until about 15 years ago, when I became fully independent (but support most of my 27 years old son's expenses - so I don't have much left). So to my son, it is justified that the family supports him too and invests in his ventures.

The difference is that my parents HELPED us. My son expects us to literally carry him on our back. So not only do we (mom and I) fully support him but demand that he works towards building financial independence despite his disease (which we know he cannot do when he is flaring), he has been trying to get mom to invest in all kinds of unrealistic ventures. I mean, I am all for it, if he was investing HIMSELF and WORKING towards it passionately. Unfortunately, his plans seem to always rely on someone else's investment but his own (referring to the family's money). I am afraid that this is an invitation for failure. He does not know what effort and perseverance mean and has very low tolerance for frustration. Mom has told him many times to prove himself but he does not believe in that, he thinks that we should first invest without commitment on his part (nothing we have every invested in the past has ever shown any result and believe me, we have invested loads!).

Anybody having sound advice ... I am trapped between my love, lack of boundaries I have set to him, feeling sorry for him, and the desire to see my son able to manage after I am gone (I am not planning to go but I have already undergone cancer once and the thought that my son lives in lah lah land despite his 27 years of age worry me very much).

I know that there is no quick fix and I should have practiced tough love. I was never able to do that.  

 

 Welcome!  I wish I had some advice for you.  (((hug)))

Why123
by Nancy on Jul. 11, 2011 at 1:41 PM
1 mom liked this

I totally understand about the crohn's thing because my youngest daughter has it.  She, however, works.  I had 4 children so none of them ever felt entitled.  There were just too many of them. 

Quoting sb1958:

Long intro (I hope it is OK).

Hi, my name is Sylvia. My son is 27 years old, not married or living at home. I raised him as a single parent and unfortunately, I spoiled him for many reasons but mainly because I really love him (which is a stupid thing to do). He did not finish school or the extremely expensive sound engineering schooling in London which my mom financed twice for him.

So he never really achieved anything, never worked full-time (he does not believe in it), and has no idea what it is like to be independent. He relies on the family's money (mine and my 77 year old mom) with a sense of entitlement.

Unfortunately, beyond being very spoiled and an underachiever, he has also been suffering from Crohn's disease for the past 14 years. He has not worked for the past year or so. Sadly, his health has also recently deteriorated (although right now, he is stable). Unfortunately, he is physically disabled but his mental handicap (poor me, "you owe me" attitude) as always existed and it is even more debilitating than his physical handicap.

Don't misunderstand me. I have always felt very sorry for him and I always tried to "make things very easy" for him (and always took care of everything) but I have unwillingly encouraged him to foster this poor me attitude, mental handicap, and underachievement, and enforce a sense of entitlement).

He is not always that sick that he can't function but never believed in functioning. Of course, when he is sick, there is no question about supporting him and providing the best possible treatments for him.

So now that he has been stable, he is back with these revolutionary ideas again. He always comes up with ingenious business ideas, dreams, and ventures that seem realistically so distant from reality and which require sometimes a pretty large financial investment understated "hoping for a family injection".

He has never had the motivation just to take care of himself. How can we inject large sums of money into something that seems so unrealistic? I feel that if he wants to be an entrepreneur, he needs to build a viable business by sharpening his business and entrepreneurial skills.

I have had numerous arguments with him about this and he tells me that I am unsupportive and negative, that I don't appreciate him. I totally adore him and do appreciate him very much - maybe too much. However, I am worried about him. He has only me (and my mom) to rely on. We will not be there forever. We may be comfortable but even if he inherits my apartment, how long with the money last? (He does not spend money wisely but neither do I or I would have savings/investments on the side. I am not proud of it but at least, I am able to rely on myself and support him).

 

He does not think about the future. In one conversation, he stated that he did not see anything wrong with having women support their partner "out of love". These are his plans. (As an independent woman, I find this utterly revolting).

So, he relies on the hope that mom will invest and justifies it because she has invested my divorced sister's failed businesses and that they have helped her raise her kids. My parents also helped me financially raise my son (because I was alone) until about 15 years ago, when I became fully independent (but support most of my 27 years old son's expenses - so I don't have much left). So to my son, it is justified that the family supports him too and invests in his ventures.

The difference is that my parents HELPED us. My son expects us to literally carry him on our back. So not only do we (mom and I) fully support him but demand that he works towards building financial independence despite his disease (which we know he cannot do when he is flaring), he has been trying to get mom to invest in all kinds of unrealistic ventures. I mean, I am all for it, if he was investing HIMSELF and WORKING towards it passionately. Unfortunately, his plans seem to always rely on someone else's investment but his own (referring to the family's money). I am afraid that this is an invitation for failure. He does not know what effort and perseverance mean and has very low tolerance for frustration. Mom has told him many times to prove himself but he does not believe in that, he thinks that we should first invest without commitment on his part (nothing we have every invested in the past has ever shown any result and believe me, we have invested loads!).

Anybody having sound advice ... I am trapped between my love, lack of boundaries I have set to him, feeling sorry for him, and the desire to see my son able to manage after I am gone (I am not planning to go but I have already undergone cancer once and the thought that my son lives in lah lah land despite his 27 years of age worry me very much).

I know that there is no quick fix and I should have practiced tough love. I was never able to do that.  

 

 

Justme1352
by on Jul. 12, 2011 at 9:24 AM
2 moms liked this

 Hi my name is Debbie and I have 5 children - 3 from my first marriage that are older and moved out and 2 from my current marriage that still live at home. I am looking forward to talking with moms with similar situations as I have. I am having a difficult time dealing with the adult problems my older kids are running into... the same ones I went through ;-) and made it though just fine, but for some reason I am not so optomistic about them - don't really know why.  I guess I am going through what my mom went through. I think I am a worry wart and I have to figure out how to deal with that. Hope you ladies can help.

LancesMom
by on Jul. 12, 2011 at 11:23 AM
1 mom liked this

welcomeGlad you're here ladies!

Cafe AmyS
by on Jul. 12, 2011 at 11:54 AM

 

Quoting Justme1352:

 Hi my name is Debbie and I have 5 children - 3 from my first marriage that are older and moved out and 2 from my current marriage that still live at home. I am looking forward to talking with moms with similar situations as I have. I am having a difficult time dealing with the adult problems my older kids are running into... the same ones I went through ;-) and made it though just fine, but for some reason I am not so optomistic about them - don't really know why.  I guess I am going through what my mom went through. I think I am a worry wart and I have to figure out how to deal with that. Hope you ladies can help.

 Welcome Debbie!  I think most of us are worry-warts at times. ;)

LadySaphira
by Lisa on Jul. 12, 2011 at 12:48 PM

Wwelcome to the group Debbie!

bbix84
by on Jul. 12, 2011 at 6:03 PM

 Hi,

My name is Becky.  I can't remember if I introduced myself or not, but I haven't been here a lot so I thought I would introduce myself now.  I am 46, have been married for 27 years and have 2 adult children.  My daughter is 24, married to a great guy and has 2 adorable little girls ages 4 and 6. They live not far from us so we get to see them often.  My son is 21 and is in the Army.  He is currently deployed to Afghanistan.  I am a stay at home mom right now.  I lost my job of 12 years about a year and a half ago.  I have been enjoying my time off, but have been looking for a new job.  And just wondering if there are any of you who live in or near the Columbia Gorge. 

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